


Veering Left

by RedDestroyer1361



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Atonement - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Heartbreak, Heartwarming, Misdirected anger, Misunderstandings, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Physical Abuse, Regret, Remorse, Sexual Tension, Surreal Imagination/Dream Sequences, Unreliable Narrator, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Violent Thoughts, silver linings, tender moments, traumatic memories, vengeful thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-08-21 06:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16571480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedDestroyer1361/pseuds/RedDestroyer1361
Summary: One mid-October evening, Asuka, tired of her conflicted emotions towards the Third Child, convinces a reluctant Shinji to kiss her. He in turn, deciding to take a chance for once, reciprocates. But even the joy of the happiest moment in her life cannot overcome her fears. Her cruel words leave not one, but two hearts broken. Can she be forgiven? And how will everything else change?





	1. Overture 10/14/2015 (5:41 AM)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I had this posted as a series, with the story’s chapters as individual works. I did that, because this story will likely surpass the 200 chapter limit. But, I decided that would probably just confuse readers...especially if they didn’t read the pieces in order. So...I’ve decided to cross the chapter-limit bridge when I get there. So, without further ado, let us begin :)
> 
> Though he is not the main character of ‘Veering Left’, we begin with Ryoji Kaji. He has much on his mind this October morning...

_ "'Too late for us now?' _

_ I sat alone, and I spoke out loud _

_ On this darkened afternoon _

_ The windows to my room _

_ A solemn shutter on the world _

_ Where I used to laugh and dream _

_ For the first time in so long _

_ I make my way down to the street _

_ And watch the people as they pass _

 

_ Outside, I breathe the air _

_ And all around fall shadows of despair _

 

_ I wonder, 'Is there hope for us? _

_ A place where we can all be free?' _

_ I wonder, 'Is there life inside a soul that dies?' _

_ I wonder, 'Is there hope for us to lift me up?' _

_ I don't know when I'll see the sun again _

_ I'd like to feel alive just one more time..." _

 

 

 

-" **Hope For Us? **" by Shadow Gallery****

**  
**

https://youtu.be/H8sCh_qcicw

 

 

** Chapter 1-Overture **

 

•5:41 AM, Wednesday, October 14, 2015

 

My day starts normally enough...

 

Upon first awakening, I use the necessary, shower, get dressed, and after being too tired to do so last night, check my voicemail messages.And as I play the new message from yesterday morning, I am greeted by the sound of screaming.

 

**"AAAAHHHH!Help me Kaji!Don't touch me, you pervert!AAAAHHHHHHHH!"**

 

In sharp contrast to the 'frantic' voice of the girl in the last message, the 'female' voice of the answering machine is cool and deadpan as it states, **"End of messages.You have no new messages."**

 

I grind my palm into my face.

 

"That girl is going to put me in an earlier grave than my job," I sigh to myself.

 

At one time, I might have been genuinely frightened and run to her aid...but Asuka's done this before...with disturbing frequency.Luckily, part of my job is being able to determine deceit from truth when dealing with liars far more experienced than Asuka will ever be.

 

So, it's easy for me to know when she's merely trying to get my attention, though I really do wish that she'd stop crying 'wolf'.

 

If I were wrong that 'one time' she actually needed me, I'd never forgive myself.And when one considers how many things I already will never forgive myself for...

 

No...mustn't think like that right now...

 

Again, I sigh as I delete the message and make my way down to the street to find something for breakfast.

 

"I may need to sit down and have a talk with Asuka next time I see her."

 

Hopefully, she'll listen and I won't have to be too harsh. After all, despite the way she often acts towards other people, she really is a good kid at heart.

 

But right now, I have something bigger and much more troubling on my mind.My quest for the truth behind NERV, and of lesser importance, my assignment for the Japanese government, is on the verge of a breakthrough, and I am now certain that NERV's greatest secret lies within the deepest level of the base...known as Terminal Dogma.

 

If the information I have obtained is correct, Terminal Dogma is a gargantuan, hollow chamber, and that makes me wonder...what could they be keeping in a space large enough to accommodate an Evangelion, or multiple Evangelions, or...an Angel?Possibly even...multiple Angels?I do not know for certain.

 

However, it was I who delivered to NERV, or more specifically to NERV's Commander, Gendo Ikari, the remnants of the First Angel; Adam.

 

Adam...the creature responsible for the Second Impact, the death of half the planet, and subsequently, the creation of the Evangelions.

 

Some time ago, I learned that Adam is one of the keys for the Human Instrumentality project.Exactly what the project involves, however, is still a mystery.

 

Naturally, I am quite eager to uncover this 'project's' goal.Eager enough that I took a third job with SEELE to find out.I want to know the truth about all of this; the Second Impact, the Angels, the Evangelions, NERV, SEELE, the Human Instrumentality Project...

 

Why did the Second Impact happen?I found out when I first offered my services to NERV that it was Adam who caused it.

 

Adam...a giant, seemingly made of light, destroyed the continent of Antarctica and had some kind of aura that instantly extinguished almost every life form that made contact with it, right down to microbial life...with one miraculous exception...

 

And yet, both NERV and SEELE would willingly keep such a creature in close proximity to their organizations?

 

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I mutter to myself, drawing the curious attention of the person standing in front of me in line at the pastry shop.

 

Igorning him, though covertly eyeing him once he's turned his back, I return to my ruminations.

 

'When I first found Adam in NERV-Berlin, it appeared to be a tiny, embryonic creature.Hard to believe such a creature could be possible of such deadly power.'

 

Once I had freed it, however...

 

It began to regenerate rapidly, before I imprisoned it a solid block of bakelite.I'll never forget the thrill of terror I felt when the creature opened its eyes as it was growing...

 

And that moment...when the eye facing me swiveled frantically around the room, only to fix itself...staring unblinkingly...upon me...

 

**_ 'What is this?Who are you?!' _ **

 

Those had been the words I had thought to myself in that horrible moment..

 

And yet...did I...

 

'Was it...MY inner voice that spoke to my mind in that vault?'

 

The words seemed to erupt into my thoughts almost...automatically.Almost...too quickly for my own brain to have formed the question consciously...

 

'And something about that particular thought felt...unfamiliar.As if...as if...'

 

But, forgetting about that unsettling moment, and back to more important and urgent questions...

 

'I wonder...is it possible, that once I delivered it here, it was allowed to regenerate further until it had regained it's original size, but was sealed in a prison tailor-made for it from the start?Or was what I took from SEELE only a small part of the whole?'

 

Has NERV been keeping another part of Adam locked away in their base this whole time? If their goal is to destroy the Angels, and protect the world, why not simply exterminate it?I do know that Adam's flesh was cloned to create the flesh of the Evangelions...but...do they need the living creature for that? I strongly suspect they do not.

 

'This Human Instrumentality Project is apparently why the creature is still alive, but...what IS this project?How does it involve Adam?My understanding is that the Angels are Adam's progeny, and are attacking us in an attempt to contact him.'

 

I make my purchase, and thank the female clerk, giving her a winning smile...at which she blushes.

 

'Cute girl', I think to myself.'No Katsuragi though.'

 

And for a moment, I allow my mind to shift to more pleasant thoughts...rose-colored memories of eight years past...

 

Before shaking my head to clear it.

 

'After all...no rest for the wicked...or me...until the reaper comes knocking...'

 

The Angels...just what are these bizarre and deadly creatures?

 

They seemingly appear out of nowhere, and except for the one code-named Gaghiel, have always targeted Tokyo 3.

 

Once I discovered the existence of Terminal Dogma, I began to understand at least one reason why they would attack Tokyo 3...and only Tokyo 3.

 

But why did the ones code-named Sachiel, Shamshel, and Ramiel attack before I brought Adam...unless part of Adam had already been there the whole time.

 

Gaghiel's attack seemingly confirmed what I had been told about the Angels' motive, though it raised the aforementioned question of why Tokyo 3...and not Berlin, where Adam was being kept...was the target of the Angels.

 

It's my understanding that if an Angel makes contact with Adam...then all the remaining life on Earth will be destroyed.

 

So why not destroy it?

 

I almost wish I had betrayed NERV as well, and destroyed Adam myself.I nearly did too, but the rate it was regenerating at made it necessary to contain it.

 

Though, and it disgusts me to admit it, I was also...curious.

 

And all because I was curious, the kids who pilot the Evangelions will continue to have to fight...when I could have ended it for them.

 

Well maybe...

 

Maybe I couldn't have destroyed it...maybe I could have.But if I had, the question of why NERV wanted it...and why SEELE was already keeping it would never be answered.I'd eventually be executed by one betrayed party or the other...never knowing the true reason for the Second Impact.

 

I sigh bitterly."I suppose that in a way, by letting Adam live, I've sold my own soul in this search for the truth...if I even had a soul to sell after-..."

 

Sitting down on the train already beginning to fill up with glum and irritable early morning commuters, I find myself thinking about the Eva Pilots...

 

'I've sold my soul...but I don't care about living any longer than it takes to get some more answers...'

 

No, it's the Pilots...Katsuragi...they're the ones who are going to be footing the bill for my ongoing quest.

 

I suppose at least Asuka would have forgiven me.Hell, she'd have probably hated my guts if I made the war that she'd been training her whole life to fight end before she could participate...

 

'Though considering her current feelings towards me...maybe that would have been better...'

 

Then...there's the other two; Shinji and Rei.

 

Rei at least seems like a natural born soldier...moreso than Asuka, due to her unquestioning and rigid obedience...something that I find horribly unnerving for a girl no older than fourteen.At least Asuka still acts like a child...no matter how much she would try to say otherwise.

 

But then there's Shinji...

 

'Why?' I think to myself, 'why would anyone in their right mind pick him to be a soldier?'

 

He's certainly got a strange aptitude for it...but in attitude and mentality, he's anything but a soldier...

 

'If this war doesn't end up killing him someday...it'll probably do something worse...'

 

I already worry about what it will do...and perhaps IS already doing...to Asuka, though...at least she's doing this with wholehearted enthusiasm.

 

'Somehow, I don't find that to be much more comforting though...'

 

I can only hope Katsuragi might be someone who can guide all of them through this...

 

Katsuragi...

 

'I could have spared her the curse of her own obsession.I could have avenged Shiro Katsuragi...and three billion more besides...'

 

I don't know that she'd have thanked me for taking her vengeance from her...but...maybe I could have saved her soul from the damnation that surely awaits mine.

 

Obsession...a devil if ever there was one...

 

But perhaps...with others under her care to protect, her priorities will change...perhaps they can help to keep her soul intact...

 

I snort wryly at that last thought.'Such optimism from one already condemned...and no longer bearing the burdens of those willing to go on living.'

 

The extent to which I can sicken myself sometimes still surprises me.

 

'Well, since the Pilots and Katsuragi are going to be stuck with this mess...I might as well use this time I spend rebuking myself for something more constructive...like trying to wrap my brain around the matter at hand.So...returning to the subject of Adam...'

 

It's not surprising that Adam's awakening was covered up, but between Gendo Ikari's stroke of 'luck' in having departed Antarctica on September 12, 2000, the day before Second Impact, and now the fact that first SEELE and now NERV are holding Adam within their facilities...and thus risking a likely Third Impact...one has to wonder...

 

'Did they know?'

 

Were they...expecting the events of the Second Impact?And if so, did they know how to avert it, or...was that never even part of their plan?

 

'Could those who claim to be saving the world...be the same monsters that damned it?'

 

The train reaches my stop and I exit, whistling 'cheerfully' as I continue to ponder...

 

It seems unfathomable, that humans would be callous enough to willingly orchestrate the death of half or their own kind for...any reason.

 

'But in the wake of Second Impact, I saw...'

 

I saw humanity at it's absolute ugliest.The catastrophe brought out the best in some, but...when it brought out the worst in others...

 

I feel myself shiver slightly as...memories...claw faintly at the inside of my skull...scratching at the veil severing them from my waking mind with a sort of...perverse playfulness...

 

'Sometimes...it's so hard to remember...that there were saints among the monsters around me.'

 

Once things had begun to return to some degree of normalcy, the time came to dig for answers.

 

'I wasn't alone of course.After Second Impact, there were more conspiracy theories than there were pre-Impact religions...and conspiracy theorists weren't considered all that unusual anymore.'

 

Eventually, I graduated to espionage.And when my digging became overly troublesome, I was 'offered' an official career in the business.It wasn't necessarily by choice...nevertheless, I decided to jump at the chance.But knowing that I could only learn everything I wanted to know by playing for and against all the different players in this game, I ended up becoming a triple agent.

 

Naturally, I've long since accepted that I will not leave this 'triple career' alive, and that said career will also likely be a short one.

 

By stealing Adam alone, I have all but signed my inevitable death warrant.They'll find out eventually, and SEELE has killed better men than me for far less.

 

Still...I've devoted my existence to uncovering the truth...and there's no going back now.

 

But maybe, if I can find the truth, even if it costs my life and my soul...maybe then my life will have some actual meaning.

 

'Maybe I'll have earned the right to have survived the living hell that followed that events of that September day when all is said and done.'

 

After all, one of the monsters I knew in the wake of Second Impact...the one I know best of all...was me.

 

Just ask my brother, and all our friends.

 

Not that you could...I saw to that.

 

I sigh, "And yet, I'm taking time out of all this important business to go to a wedding reception this afternoon."

 

'Well, everyone needs a day off sometimes, I guess.Even the not-quite-yet-dead.'

 

At least I'll be able to spend some time with Ritsuko and Katsuragi today."Might be just like old times," I laugh with just a hint of bitterness.

 

\-------------------------------------


	2. Overture (pt.2) 10/14/2015 (4:49 PM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, we introduce one of our lead protagonists...perhaps THE lead protagonist of the story, depending on your viewpoint.

_ "The ice in your veins makes you strong _  
_ The hole in your soul, tearing onward _  
_ You're breaking your back everyday _  
_ The sin and bones lead you astray" _

_ "If you want it, you must take it _  
_ If you believe it, you can't fake it _  
_ If you have it, you must use it _  
_ If you find it, you can't lose it again" _

https://youtu.be/6jTqGgBk890

-" **Sin And Bones** " by Fozzy

 

•4:49 PM, Wednesday October 14, 2015

The sun hangs low in the western sky, bathing the city of Tokyo 3 in a deep, warm orange light. To the right of me, my shadow dances across the facades of buildings, stepping in time with my quick, purposeful strides as I make my way home.

"Why?" I ask myself bitterly. Why did I agree to that stupid date? Mein Gott, that twit, Yosihiaki, was a sad case. And I thought Shinji was pathetic; at least he knows how worthless he is. But that moron back there...

He seemed to think he was God's gift to women or something; bragging on and on about his accomplishments and about his lofty ambitions, like he actually expected to impress me. Hah! No mere boy like him could ever hold a candle to a real man like Kaji!

Not to mention, his bright idea of a 'date' was taking me to an amusement park...a fucking AMUSEMENT PARK! As if I were still a goddamn kid or something...I may be only thirteen biologically...but mentally, I might as well be an adult!

'I mean, hell,' I think to myself, a certain purple-haired woman coming to mind, 'I'd even say that I'm a few cuts above the average adult.'

I've gone to college already...and I'm an Eva Pilot; you know, part of the elite force tasked with protecting the world from the Angels; weird, giant monsters that are by far the greatest threat humanity has ever faced? And he takes me to an AMUSEMENT PARK?! What a fucking joke...

Not to mention...the way he was eyeing me up. His attitude was one thing, but when he would look at me...

I felt like I was a fresh steak being dangled in front of a starving dog. He made Shinji seem suave and subtle by comparison! I'm actually kind of glad now that Misato refused to allow me to use her lavender perfume. It would have been a waste...and maybe worse...to use it on this lousy misadventure.

I sigh, feeling a twinge of guilt at the thought that this may come back to bite Hikari. I really hope her older sister, Kodama, who is a friend of that bipedal turd, won't give her any trouble because of me blowing off the date.

I know neither of them are going to be happy about it. Not only did I leave without saying anything, I left while Yoshiaki was standing in line for the roller coaster. It was cruel of me, I suppose, but I just couldn't stand him a moment longer.

Besides, his ego needed a bit of deflating anyway; I'm surprised he was able to walk through the amusement park gate with that fat head of his. Ah well, just another stupid, arrogant pervert in a world full to the brim of them.

Again, I sigh, as I think of Kaji. Not even the man of my dreams is completely innocent of that behavior, though. I see the way he acts around other women, and especially...I see how he looks at Misato.

I hate her for that. I mean, I AM grateful, albeit grudgingly, for how she took me in and takes care of me...

Sometimes she's like the big sister I never had, but still...

Damn it, I want Kaji to look at me at me the way he looks at her! She's a drunk, a slob, she dresses like a slut half the time, she has the gall to act like she doesn't even want him...even though I KNOW she does!

'After all, what sane women wouldn't?'

And despite all that, she's the one he looks at?! Why not me...what's wrong with me? Why won't he look at me...I mean REALLY look at me?! Why is Misato, an adult who acts like Gott damned child herself, so much more appealing than me?

_Maybe because Ryoji Kaji isn't a pedophile?_

'Quiet you! A-and besides, age is j-just a number dammit!'

_Not to him it isn't. Not to anyone with a healthy and sane idea of what constitutes a proper relationship._

'So what, I'm insane now?! I'd prefer to use that word for someone who thinks a certain idiot, who shall not be named, would be more suitable for-'

_So then...Kaji himself would fall under that banner?_

'Th-that's not what I-'

_And have you forgotten who I am?_

That ever-annoying voice at the back of my mind sounds even more infuriatingly smug than ever.

_Calling me insane is to admit insanity yourself is it not?_

'Grrr! Enough of this!'

Still, I have to admit this much at least...

Not for the first time, I'm beginning to think I'm fighting a losing battle. Kaji must know how I feel about him; he is quite intelligent after all. I've gone out of my way to make it obvious to him, even to the point that I've told him that he truly is the only one for me! What more can I do that I haven't tried?

I literally threw myself at him the night before we arrived in Japan! But all he did was brush me off and tell me that I'm still a child. He even seemed uncomfortable when I got too near to him. I think he tried to be nice and hide it...but I could tell. He even tried to divert my attentions elsewhere; to the Third Child!

Admittedly though...despite clearly seeing what Kaji was doing, I had been...rather curious. And I did think to myself that maybe...if someone, anyone were to take Kaji's place...this 'hero' who had apparently saved the world three times in a row would at least be the closest second achievable.

Then, of course, I actually met Shinji Ikari in person, and...

Hmm...now that's odd...

Normally, right now I'd be scoffing the idea of even considering the Third a suitable replacement, just as I did that night back in August, and the next day when I actually met the 'Invincible Shinji'.

Normally, I'd be remembering how when I first saw Shinji Ikari in the flesh, I thought to myself, 'THIS, is the Third Child?! I wouldn't give this scrawny dork the time of day!'

And normally, I would be able to ignore any dissenting opinions from the errant parts of my mind. But alas, even in the brilliant mind of the 'Great Asuka Langley Sohryu', there are foolish thoughts and feelings.

Like the thought that Shinji's timid and awkward nature is...kinda cute in a way. That his tendency to apologize for no reason and stumble over his words is almost...endearing, if also somewhat annoying as well. The thought that, despite the first words I directly spoke to him, he actually is...something to look at...once you've taken a closer look at his deceptively plain exterior.

And most of all, I'd normally find ridiculous the idea that because he has actually put himself in harm's way to save me, that he's somehow braver than he lets on...that perhaps there is genuine strength and character beneath the shield of whimpering cowardice and teenage idiocy...and that maybe, he actually cares abou-

Gaaahhhhh, there I go again! All my worrying about Kaji is making me insane! To think there are brief moments where I actually believe any of this nonsense about Shinji! It's infuriating! He's infuriating!

I mean...I do occasionally try to reach out to him to indulge my inner stupidity just to shut it up...but he always blows it off, ignores, or just flat out seems to miss the point because he's such a fucking dummkopf!

Example? I rubbed my goddamn breasts in front of him that day at the pool! While wearing a bikini! And talking about thermal expansion!

Well...to be fair, I was mostly doing it to tease him for my own amusement. You know, fry his brain a little, and watch him squirm. But still...he could have shown at least a little more interest!

Instead, what does he do? He just goes and gets all huffy and says 'he doesn't think about things like that'. Utter bullshit! I know the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. And it's not really hard to guess what's on his mind.

'It just proves that he really is yet another stupid pervert, who wants to ogle me from the shadows, too cowardly to openly show his interest.'

That thought however, far from setting the matter to rest, simply opens up another troubling question.

Since I normally don't mind boys who are infatuated with me keeping their distance, as those who do openly display their interest are in grave danger of being emasculated verbally, or perhaps physically, depending on my mood and how 'lucky' they happen to be feeling...why then, do I want Shinji to express his obvious interest in me, even if I know that it's just the same shallow lust any other stupid boy would feel towards me?

Returning to reality, I pull away from these vexing thoughts. Looking around, I see that I've arrived back at the apartment building that I share with the aforementioned Shinji and Misato and, to my knowledge...no one else.

Before stepping inside and heading to the elevator, I decide to take a moment to admire the sunset.

Normally, a nondescript, white concrete building, the October sunset has painted the apartment block the lovely color of flame and autumn leaves.

The whole city, I notice, looks so breathtaking in this light. The way the sun and illuminated clouds reflect off of the glass skyscrapers...they look like towers of gold.

In spite of my earlier frustration, I now find myself feeling calm...happy even. Happy that even in a world as empty and broken as this, where such terrible things happen to the deserving and undeserving alike, that there can be moments like this; where a lovely sunset can, at least for a moment, make even a cold heart such as mine, feel warm.

And yet, even as I turn around to make my way to the elevator, ascend, and begin to walk towards my door, the warmth does not ebb away, but seems to rise...filling my soul like beautiful music. And if I had to name the instrument that came to mind, I'd have to say it was the...cello?

I pause...listening intently. That's not just my imagination...I'm actually hearing a cello playing.

As I continue towards the door, the music grows louder. So it's coming from my apartment then...a recording perhaps?

I know Misato's a pure rocker who'd probably start snoring if she so much as looked at a cello...so it must be Shinji's.

I do remember that when I unceremoniously evicted him from what is now my room, I found an SDAT player with a single battered mixtape inside of it. In spite of myself, I had at that time...and afterwards, during the countless number of times I had seen him listening to the the tape on his headphones, found myself wondering what sort of music the Third Child had on it...

I guess this finally answers my que-

No, wait...I know this piece. Bach's Cello Suite no.1...and it's played faster than this. Whoever is playing it now knows all the notes perfectly, but is likely still trying to master the tempo...that would explain why the cellist is playing the intro segment over and over again instead of going on to the next part.

Still, in a way, I think it actually sounds...better...when played slower like this...

I open the door and walk down the entrance corridor, the music now reverberating off the narrow walls of the passageway, wondering who the cellist could be; and reaching the end at last, find myself transfixed by what I see.

There, sitting in the kitchen with his back to me, and playing the cello, is Shinji Ikari. I step quietly forward into the room, not taking my eyes off of him...and I watch, amazed.

While indeed playing slower than the actual composition, he doesn't miss a single note, and...if anything, the slower tempo gives the already somber piece more gravity...a gravity that resonates well with the morose personality of the young man I've come to know.

Although I can't see his face from where I'm standing, he somehow seems...perhaps not happier, but more...at peace...than I ever remember seeing him. And with that thought, I feel a rare smile work it's way across my face. Not the predatory grin or cold smirk more typical of me, but a warm smile I can feel reaching my eyes.

I know he's an idiot and a loser, but there are times that I just can't help but feel a bit of affection for the Third Child...and the realization that Shinji has an unexpected hobby...and a surprising amount of talent for it...only makes those feelings stronger in me.

Maybe...there really is more to him than meets the eye. It's not the first time I've thought that about him...but it is the first time the thought hasn't been immediately suppressed by scornful derision.

Indeed, if I have to be honest with myself, I've been feeling less of that around him lately. I, almost...feel like I'm starting to admire him, maybe even care about him a little...and perhaps I'm even beginning to-

He stops playing, wavering the final note dramatically. And I decide to at last reveal my presence to him, as I put my hands together and applaud his work. Shinji turns around, looking thoroughly surprised to see me, and perhaps even more so, to see me clapping.

Given my usual treatment of him, I suppose he might think I'm being sardonic. But I look him in the eye, and allow myself to smile at him to show that I genuinely mean it as I say, "that was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

He gives a small, wistful smile in response. "I started when I was five, but I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all." He looks like his old dejected self again, and I feel a stab of annoyance.

Seriously? I give you an actual compliment, and you still find a way to put yourself down? What are you, stupid?!

But, I do bear in mind, with a little pang of guilt, that this IS the only time I have EVER paid him a compliment that wasn't sarcastic or backhanded, and that he's probably just choosing to put himself down before I can.

So, keeping my tone friendly, I reply "well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!"

He looks pleased...for all of two seconds before drooping again. "I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit any time."

I don't let him see me roll my eyes. "So why didn't you?"

With a wry smile, he says, "Huh, well nobody to me to stop, I guess."

"Ugh," I groan, as lay down on the floor of the adjacent room, unable to conceal my disappointed exasperation any longer. "I should have known."

Of course he would only have an impressive talent because someone had to talk him into taking it up. Why did I expect anything different? Still, I guess at least he hasn't given it up, even though he could...even if it's only because no one told him to stop. Ah well, so much for trying to be nice. Now he'll probably just sulk all night.

"Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too." His voice actually sounds slightly cheerful at these words.

Strange...he almost seems happy to see me home early.

Unsure of what to make of it, and not really wanting to play twenty questions with the idiot, I casually skim over the details of what happened. "No, my date was even more boring than you. So while he was standing in line for the roller coaster, I took a train back here."

"That seems kinda cold," he says with a twinge of disapproval. Deciding not to elaborate on how insufferably smug and lecherous the arschloch had been, I simply sigh dismissively, and remind him that Ryoji Kaji is the only real man in my life.

"Oh. Okay," is his only response before falling silent.

I'm not sure how long it is that the quiet calm lasts...before he begins to play again...and in spite of myself, and unseen by Shinji, I smile peacefully...

Stupid Shinji should stop selling himself short. By the sound of what he's playing, he's improvising all of it. And it's...wonderful....

The music he plays...for me? I wonder...it's like an extension of himself; calm, yet somber...morose, yet...with a hidden strength.

Oh...this feeling is...intoxicating...

Every melody, every note, seems to fill my soul, and resonate with a gentle, pulsating warmth and light.

And, I find myself drifting away...away from my worries about Kaji...my annoyance at my irresponsible floozy of a guardian...Yoshiaki's droning voice and unnerving, hungry eyes...the tedious chore of having to work alongside that stupid doll, Wondergirl...the infuriating indignity of having to attend middle school all over again, coupled with the struggle to learn the kanji...the general pressures of being an Eva pilot, the homesickness for Germany, and even the confusion and frustration I feel because Shinji won't look at me the way he looks at Wonderg-

"No! Stop that! Shut up, damn you!" The music dies with the ghastly squeal of the bow scraping against the strings, and I hear Shinji fumble for a moment, then he bursts into the room, looking frightened. "A-Asuka! What's wrong?!"

I'm beginning to realize that in yelling at my own mind to stop thinking such stupid thoughts, I must have actually shouted out loud. As I turn to look at the boy, I see the fear and concern in his eyes...

And feel a rising heat in my face, completely at a loss of what to say to explain myself.

"A-Asuka?" Shinji takes a tentative step forward, reaching out a cautious hand.

And with a jolt, I snap back to life, pushing his hand away. "What, idiot? What do you want?"

He recoils, backing away, looking slightly hurt, though somewhat less worried. "I-I heard you screaming just now. I-I just w-wanted t-to make sure you were okay."

"Oh? Is that so?" I sneer at him, as I rise to my feet.

Pity? From the likes of him?! That's just wonderful. Really fucking great. "Not that I'd ever need YOUR help anyway, Third Child, but as you can see, I'm fine! So just get out of my sight already! And put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache."

He does so, but not before I see his deep blue eyes become downcast and lose the light that had shone there when I had praised his playing earlier...a light I hadn't even noticed...

Until now...

A wave of regret at my outburst overtakes me as I hear the door to Shinji's room slide open and then shut....

And I start to realize that after such harsh words, my emotionally fragile roommate might never again grace my ears with his talent. And it's not like I can just ask him to play for me...

I mean, he'd do it...I'm sure he would, but then, he might get the wrong-

Ugh, I just need to be alone right now. Maybe in a little while, I'll go and take a shower...

Forget all about this stupid day...

\-----------------------------------------------


	3. Overture (pt.3) 10/14/2015 (4:57 PM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is right on the heels of my previous update...but I’ve decided to at upload as quickly as possible the material that had already been uploaded in the original ‘series’ format I initially used, which consisted of ‘Chapters’ 1-5 (or...as they will appear here in the AO3 version, Chapters 1-19). After that, from Chapter 20 onward, I’ll probably reduce the upload pace to about once, maybe twice a week.
> 
> Anyways...here’s our other main protagonist, enjoying a quiet evening to himself...or not.

_ "This is so hard for me _  
_ To find the words to say _  
_ My thoughts are standing still _

_ Captive inside of me _  
_ All emotions start to hide _  
_ And nothing's getting through _

_ Watch me fading _  
_ I'm losing all my instincts _  
_ Falling into darkness _

_ Tear down these walls for me _  
_ Stop me from going under _  
_ You're not the only one who knows I'm holding back _

_ It's not too late for me _  
_ To keep from sinking further _  
_ I'm trying to find my way out _  
_ Tear down these walls for me now" _

https://youtu.be/MzovR0s7EbI

-" **These Walls** " by Dream Theater

 

•4:57 PM, Wednesday October 14, 2015

The view of the sunset through the balcony window provides a glorious setting for the next piece I decide to play, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1.

I'm still trying to learn the piece and perfect it though, so I settle for repeating the intro to the Prelude section several times, in a loop, at a reduced tempo, until I get it right. It's been too long since I've picked up my instrument. So long, that I hadn't remembered, until now, just how much of a release it is.

For a moment, I'm no longer the Third Child, pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. With my cello in hand, I am just, Shinji Ikari. No one special or important, but I like it that way.

It's safer to be someone invisible. There's no responsibility, no crushing expectations to save the world from monsters. There is only me, in my quiet corner of life, where no one can yell at me, reject me, or force me into something way over my head.

It helps, of course, that I am alone at home right now, having just recently returned from visiting my mother's grave with father.

Father...

I was actually able to hold a brief conversation with him today. I still don't understand him, and he's still so distant that it's difficult to even talk to him at all. But today seemed like....maybe...just maybe a step in the right direction. At least I didn't run away like I did this time three years ago.

Maybe after this war with the Angels is over, there'll be time to get to know him. Maybe then, he'll actually want to see me. I sigh. I'm still not sure if I hate him or not, but...I guess after today, maybe I don't.

Ah well, back to the music. This piece has been giving me a devil of a time, but I refuse just to give up on it, like I do on so many other things.

To be fair, I've been practicing this piece from memory, as I don't currently own any notation books, so my progress with this very complex Bach composition has been limited. But I've at gotten the intro nailed down now.

Even so, I play it one last time to make sure I've mastered it. Still playing at a slower tempo than the actual composition, I let the music fill me, and carry me away...away from Tokyo 3, away from Japan, away from the world, if only for a moment...

I let the last, doleful note of the segment waver dramatically as I at last decide to conclude my practice for the day. But before the music has entirely faded away, I hear another sound from behind. Applause? Surprised, I turn around to see...

Asuka?!

My roommate, Asuka Langely Sohryu, stands in the doorway. She's clapping and...smiling? "That was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

Am I seeing and hearing this, or am I dreaming? Or did the last Angel actually kill me and send me to the Great Beyond?

Well, I guess even Asuka can be nice sometimes. Still, knowing her, she's probably just trying to set me up for another insult. "I started when I was five. But I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all."

"Well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!" She still sounds genuine in her praise. What is this? Ugh, I don't know what to say...

I've never been good at knowing what to say when someone praises me. Especially when that someone is your beautiful, exotic, and fearsomely temperamental roommate.

"I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit anytime."

"So, why didn't you?" Asuka sounds a bit...disappointed? At my refusal to take the bait like I usually do? Or at what I said?

But to answer her question..."Huh? Nobody told me to stop I guess."

"Ugh," she sighs, sounding a bit exasperated as she lays down on the floor of the next room, "I should have known."

It's not unlike her to say something dismissive like that to me, but I definitely sense a hint of disappointment. I guess my reason for playing cello is pretty lame.

As I watch her lay down, until only her sock clad feet are still visible through the open door, I remember that she should still have been on her date at this time. "Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too."

The words come out in a cheerful tone that surprises even myself. I expect her to comment on it, but instead she merely replies, "No, my date was even more boring than you."

I might normally have taken offense to the insult to me...despite knowing that's it's true. But instead, I feel...strangely buoyant...at the sound of her referring to her erstwhile date so derisively.

In that moment, I remember back to when she had first mentioned that she was going on a date...

In addition to my surprise, I had felt a stab of...was it...jealousy?!

I pull back from the questions starting to cloud my mind as I hear Asuka saying that she had left the boy standing in line for the roller coaster while she stole away and headed home. Despite my strange jubilation at Asuka dumping him, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him...easily able to imagine the humiliation and emptiness I would feel if it were me that had been in his shoes.

"That seems kinda cold," I say, not bothering to disguise my disapproval.

She sighs. "Kaji's the only real man in my life."

"Oh. Okay," is all I say.

But inside, I can't help but feel a a. It of rising exasperation.

'Ugh, of course...Kaji this, Kaji that! Nongoddamn stop! Kaji! Kaji! Kaji! Oh Kaji-san, kiss me beneath the light of the full moon! Walk with me through the cherry blossoms Kaji-sama! Please notice me Kaji-senpai! Baka Shinji-kun, you should be more like Kaji-senpai san sama! Kaji-senpai san sama is the standard by which all men should judge themselves! Like a broken...fucking...record!'

Her obsession with a man nearly old enough to be her father is sometimes genuinely disturbing...sometimes, usually when I've had enough of her bullshit, rather hilarious (though I'd never laugh at her about it to her face...after all, if wanted to die, I'd rather take my chances with letting an Angel kill me)...and other times, it's just sad.

But today...it's just infuriating!

When will she realize that Kaji would never be with someone less than half his age? Ryoji Kaji acts like a Cassanova, but even I know that he wouldn't take advantage of a thirteen year old girl. Why can't she see that?

And of course, there's Misato. She may act like she hates Kaji, but sometimes, I can see her smile when someone mentions him....only when she thinks no one can see it though.

And I know he likes her.

He always seems to brush off her insults and continue flirting shamelessly as if she weren't always glaring and shouting at him.

Of course, Kaji hits on alot of the women here at NERV, but...it's different when he's with Misato. I can tell he actually means what he says to her.

I sigh...adults are confusing.

And so is Asuka, for that matter...

You know...I really can't tell if she hates me or not.

I know she doesn't like me, even if...she does act friendly sometimes...like she did just now. I guess she's just trying to be civil, even though she can't stand me.

Sometimes, though, she'll drop all pretense and become so hostile that I begin to fear for my life...lest I say the wrong thing in front of Her Highness.

I just wish...that she wouldn't always yell at me for every little thing...

I wish...we could just learn to get along...

It would make this awful job a lot more bearable if Asuka was nicer to me and Rei. If she was, we might actually all be friends as well as comrades, and maybe even...well, it's no secret that Asuka is gorgeous, and that she's attracted the attention of nearly all the boys at our school...and I'm no exception.

Indeed, I constantly have to stop myself from gawking at her.

Just like anyone with a healthy sense of self-preservation, I live in fear of the wrath she displays to anyone she decides is being a 'pervert'. Lately though, I've gotten better at just stealing looks when she isn't watching.

It's like looking at the sun...bright, shining, beautiful...yet will probably decide to blind you if you look too long.

Though, I've also noticed that when she does catch me looking, she doesn't get as angry as she did at first. Actually, she hasn't even gotten angry about it recently. She just sees me looking, then turns away...like a normal person would.

Also, now I think about it, she actually HAS been acting nice more often than before. She even made sure to bring Rei along to our celebratory 'steak' (which ended up being ramen) dinner after we beat the Tenth Angel...and I know she dislikes Rei as much as she dislikes me...if not moreso.

If only she could be like that more often...then maybe...I wouldn't be too afraid to tell her...

I know she could never feel the same way about me. But, she...ignites me.

I don't mean in the dirty sort of way! Well, uh...not ONLY in that way, at least. I mean...she makes me push my boundaries...my limits. And it's that...more than her looks even...that have made her the forefront of my dreams; nighttime and daytime fantasy alike...as well as a few nightmares.

The mere thought of her lights a fire both underneath and inside of me that makes me want to be a better Eva pilot...a better person, even. Kind of weird when you consider that she herself isn't exactly...well, she's not a bad person, I guess...

But, you wouldn't think she would inspire anyone to better themselves...unless, of course...you've lived with her as I have been...

But then...there's also the simple reality that she views me as worthless...seemingly no matter how much I try to do better...

Still, for some reason, I keep trying anyway...

And even if she never thinks me worthy of her approval...and even though I know it's a humiliating waste of time to even try, I just can't help...but try anyway.

It's not all bad anyway, really. My cooking, previously rather lackluster, has improved to the point that Asuka has actually complimented me on the quality.

And, it was only after that day that I thought about seriously playing the cello again. I never had the courage to play in front of her, though, figuring she'd just tell me that I was terrible at it. I was even afraid to play it when she was out, fearing that she'd walk in before I had time to put the instrument away, and either yell at me or laugh derisively.

But today, I had just faced my father without running away, and I knew (or rather had been told), that she'd be out late. So, high on my earlier...erm...success in speaking to Father (by which I actually mean not running away)...and figuring I'd have some time, I decided I'd test my luck and get some practice while I could.

As it turned out, of course, she came in far earlier than expected.

But she neither yelled at me, nor mocked my, until now, secret hobby.

She...applauded me. And I'm now beginning to feel that maybe...just maybe...no matter how crazy or irrational it may seem to think so, that she...might have...really meant it...

Maybe, for once...she was really being genuine when she praised me...

If so...I can scarcely believe it. But I want to...

Well then...there may be one way I can be sure it's true...

So...here it goes...

With a great deal of trepidation, I lift my bow, placing it gently against the strings, and begin to play once more.


	4. An Unexpected Left 10/14/2015 (5:20 PM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the few times that any character will have two consecutive POVs.
> 
> So, once more, here’s Shinji :)

_ "To pass beyond is what I seek _   
_ I fear that I may be too weak _   
_ And those are few who've seen it through to glimpse the other side _   
_ The promised land is waiting like a maiden that is soon to be a bride _

_ The moment is a masterpiece, the weight of indecision's in the air _   
_ It's standing there _   
_ The symbol and the sum of all that's me _   
_ It's just a travesty, towering, blocking out the light and blinding me _   
_ I want to see" _

https://youtu.be/wKY_Bh53YDE

-" **The Wall** ” by Kansas

 

** Chapter 2-An Unexpected Left **

•5:20 PM

Electricity...that is how I describe it...

A circuit of vibrating energy flowing from the bow to strings, from strings to fingertips, from fingertips to soul...

My soul...so often just a lonely candle flickering in the rain, is now a mighty pyre crackling with life and vitality, pulsating with every note.

Only when I've been near death in the battles with the Angels have I ever felt so alive; aware of myself as living, breathing entity.

But this...this is different...

In this moment, I am not a frightened creature backed into a corner, forced to fight with an unexpected savagery in order to survive. I feel this way now, because...that is how I have chosen to feel.

I could allow myself to feel worthless and insignificant like I always do...let uncertainty paralyze me, allow despair to fold it's wings around me. But that is not what I choose in this moment...

I choose to let this power fill my every bone, my every nerve, until my flesh sings with it. I choose to bask in the light and warmth of the rising tongues of flame, as they climb higher with the building crescendo resonating within the polished wood.

How, I wonder, is it that I can feel this way?

Is it the music itself?

I never felt this way when playing for my teachers.

So, could it be....

The answer begins to take shape in the glowing inferno now roaring with unquenchable strength before me.

There, in the midst of the dancing flames, is a familiar figure...female, slender, beautiful; long hair streaming down past her shoulders...Asuka. My eyes are wide as I see her turn about within the flames; unwinding, unfurling, dancing within the bright light as it sways and bends with her movements.

She is of the flame...she is the flame...born of the fire...as well as the source from which it radiates.

I understand now...

I-

"No! Stop that! Shut up, damn you!"

Suddenly, the fire dies...the warmth and light evaporating into the cold, uncaring darkness...

And to my horror, the Asuka within the flames emits a horrible shriek of agony as she is extinguished; a hellish sound reminiscent of the scraping of a bow against cello strings.

Coming back to reality, I realize the yelling had come from the next room...

Asuka!

I hurriedly lay the cello on the floor, throwing aside the bow, and run through the open doorway. "Asuka! What's wrong?!"

I see her sitting on the floor, and...

It's unnerving...

I've never seen her like this. I've seen her arrogance falter at times, but never like this...

She looks...frightened and confused?

That's not like her at all...

Then, she turns to look at me. Her face begins to redden visibly with...not anger, exactly, but...embarrassment?

She seems lost for words. I'm not sure what to do or say right now...or even what's wrong with her, but...I'm determined to help...somehow.

After all...

I mustn't run away...

"A-Asuka?" I reach out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

But just before my hand makes contact, she seems to jolt back to reality...and roughly pushes my hand away.

"What, idiot?" she snarls at me. "What do you want?"

Retreating fearfully from her anger, I'm at least grateful that she seems back to normal.

"I-I heard you screaming," I stutter pathetically. "I-I just w-wanted t-to make sure you were okay."

Her lip curls nastily as she responds, "Oh? Is that so? Not that I'd ever need your help anyway, Third Child, but as you can see, I'm fine! So just get out!"

I immediately move to leave, but not before I hear her add, "and put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache!"

The words pierce me like a white hot poker to the stomach.

So, that's how she really feels about my playing...

I should have known from the start...

I really am no good at all!

Her whole 'nice Asuka' act must have just been to throw me off, so she could put me down at the right moment.

Or maybe she was trying to be nice, but couldn't keep up the charade. Not that it matters anyway...

I'll never play the stupid fucking instrument again! Not in front of her anyway!

It's all I can do not to cry as I turn away and leave the room. Tears begin to spill down my cheeks as I gather up the cello and make my way back to my room; I just pray Asuka didn't see them fall.

Leaning the cello against the wall, I turn my back to the door, and sit resting against it, burying my head in my knees, and wrapping my arms around them...trying to control the emotions surging through me.

With some effort, I choke back the sobs, and allow the pain to recede into a dull ache in my belly.

"Put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache!"

I keep hearing those words over and over...each word punctuated with another blunt stab of pain and humiliation.

My insides feel as if they are doused in acid...wilting and crumbling away from the memory of Asuka's sneering derision.

Trying to forget the contemptous look in her cold, blue eyes, I curl into myself more tightly until my arms are numb.

Just when I thought I might impress her for once...

I really thought she had meant it when she applauded me, she even smiled at me.

She smiled at me...

She's beautiful no matter what, but when she smiles...

It's like...she's a completely different person...as if the vain, cruel, arrogant girl she usually is doesn't exist. Even if she was only pretending to smile at me, she still seemed to glow for that one moment.

I...I'd give anything to see that again.

To see her smile...at me...

Even if she never stops hating me, I could at least hold on to the memory of her smile from time to time...and remember how wonderful it feels to see her that way.

But...I just don't know how...

When nothing I do is right...nothing I do is good enough...

It turns out that my cello playing is a bust. What else could I do?

Then again...she did say my cooking has improved recently.

Maybe I could try to improve my skill at cooking Western food for her.

I did once make a German dinner for her as an apology...for the time I...uh, almost kissed her while she was sleeping. She hadn't spoken to me for a week after that incident. But when I made that meal, she seemed....happy...and things went back to normal immediately afterward.

And...well now that I think about it...even though Asuka did criticize some of the food...it didn't come across as being mean spirited. It's almost like...she was actually giving me tips on how to improve.

If I want to make something like that for tomorrow though...I don't think there's time to gather all the ingredients I need...

I could maybe do a simple Western breakfast though...

Perhaps tomorrow I can go shopping for eggs and sausage, and surprise her tomorrow morning.

I look up, staring hard at the opposite wall. "I really am an idiot, aren't I?"

The wall does not answer.

Why should I bother? What good will it do?

Sure, she seemed to like the dinner I made her awhile back....

But ultimately...even though she stopped giving me the silent treatment, nothing else changed after that.

I mean...am I so desperate for some kind of praise from her that I'd be willing to risk a repeat of what happened today?

Sure, she decided to be nice and compliment me on my cello playing...but it's not like she really meant it...

Or have I forgotten why I'm cowering in my room right now...

Who's to say the same thing won't happen if I try to get better at cooking?

Maybe she only pretended to like what I made...

Maybe she did appreciate the gesture for what it was...but that doesn't mean it will work again. It was probably a one-time thing, and nothing more...

Just accept it...she's NEVER going to feel the way I do! She doesn't even like me, damnit! She hates me, or at the very least thinks I'm worth less than the dirt on her shoe! And she's not afraid to show it, either, so why continue to delude myself into thinking any of that could change?

To her, I'll always be nothing more than the worthless, stupid, ugly, inadequate, cowardly Third Child...and I'm a damn fool if I think...or even just hope...that cooking her a nice meal will suddenly change that!

I sigh...resigned to the truth..."I guess I'm a damn fool then."

And, I begin to wonder how much link sausage costs and where I could find it.

\-------------------------------------


	5. An Unexpected Left (pt.2) 10/14/2015 (10:47 PM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty then...this is where our major divergence from canon Evangelion occurs.
> 
> This is where the titular 'Unexpected Left' takes place :)

•10:47 PM

After about an hour of standing in the steady curtain of hot water, I actually start to wash myself. Here, in the blissful privacy of cleansing steam, away from the prying eyes of the public, Hikari, Misato, stupid Shinji, and all of NERV, I can think more clearly, without fear of being questioned, should my face betray any weakness or uncertainty.

So...now that I'm away from the commotion and judgment of the world outside, I can finally ask myself...why?

Why did I explode at Shinji earlier? Me being mad at Shinji is nothing new, but this time was different. Usually it's because he's being an idiot or a pervert, or apologizing for no reason.

But this time...he was just peacefully playing his cello. I was even enjoying it! And when I randomly freaked out, he was just worried. Damn it! I actually...feel bad now...

Well...I don't know how...but I'll make it up to the idiot, at some point.

Maybe I could tell him that I was kidding about having the headache, or something...and allow him the honor of serenading me from time to time. That'll probably cheer him up.

Perhaps...if I'm ever able to win Kaji over someday and coax him into a candlelit dinner, maybe Shinji could play for us; set a lovely mood. Although...that's probably not going to happen for quite some time yet...and there's also Shinji's own feelings to consider...

Though...come on, surely he must know by now that it just isn't going to happen...ever...

Shinji's an idiot, yes...but surely not THAT much of one...

Still...maybe the least I could do is help hook him up someday. Certainly, I wouldn't ask him to entertain Kaji and I if he were still hung up on me like that...I'm not a cruel person, after all.

For some reason though, the thought of trying to divert the Third Child's attention elsewhere makes me feel weary...sad even.

Eh...probably because I know it'll be a chore. After all, this is ME that I have to find a substitute for.

And, of course...Shinji himself IS rather hopeless when it comes to relating to others...and I both pity and admire the poor, unfortunate girl that decides to try her luck with it.

But, truthfully...I do kind of owe him for a lot of the crap I've put him through, since he hasn't always deserved it when I've gotten angry with him...so, this could be my way of making it up to him, since he's almost always been nice to me, no matter what.

And I'll give it my best shot...after all The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu never half-asses anything...not even if it's for someone else!

I smile to myself, satisfied with this plan, as I shut off the water and reach for a towel.

Several minutes later, dressed, but still toweling off my hair, I make my way into the kitchen, where I can hear Shinji holding a one-sided conversation. Misato's calling, I think to myself. She's out drinking with MY man as we speak, and she'd better not be calling for the reason I think she is.

"Right. Yeah. Sure," Shinji says into the receiver and ends the call as I walk in to the room.

"Hmm, Misato?" I ask, as Shinji turns to face me. "Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."

Those words make my stomach drop like a stone in a well.

"What?! You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"

'No no no! This can't happen!'

Alright, just calm down; maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe Kaji already went home, and Misato and the bottle blonde, Akagi, are going bar hopping, or something. Hell, maybe if Misato spends the night at Akagi's place, she'll even send Kaji here to look after us. That's still a possibility, right? And maybe...Kaji will prove more persuadable when-

That hope lasts a split second before..."I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji," Shinji replies, and a wave of horror rises inside of me.

I'm vaguely aware of myself saying something along the lines of, "are you dense?! That guarantees it!"

But my mind is rapidly filling with images that make me want to run and scream and cry.

My beloved Kaji holding Misato in his arms beneath a cloudless, starry sky; Kaji's eyes gazing lovingly into hers...their lips meet as that purple-haired slut giggles lasciviously and moans with pleasure...

Next...I see Kaji opening a bedroom door for the two of them, a mischievous glint in his eye...her expression positively ravenous...as the door closes, and-

I don't know how long ago I moved to sit at the table...how long ago I put my head down into my folded arms....and began to shut out the world around me in a dark haze. I seem to recall Shinji timidly asking me what was wrong, to which I groaned a non-articulate response. He then muttered something about hoping I'd feel better, then walked away.

It's strange though...knowing that Kaji has chosen Misato over me should hurt more...but it doesn't.

I mean...I do feel angry, sad, and disgusted...but not as much as I expected to feel.

I thought being rejected by the love of my life would utterly destroy me...leaving me a hollow shell. But, despite how I feel now...somehow, I know that I'll get by.

And maybe...no definitely, I knew this day was coming. Deep down, I think I always knew Kaji would choose Misato; and I think I've known it since the day when they reunited on the Over The Rainbow. I've just been...deluding myself this whole time...that Kaji would come to love me back.

Far from feeling simple acceptance of the facts, however...I feel a dawning sense of hopelessness...

Who could EVER love me?

Kaji was the one person I thought might be able to do that impossible task....

It's not like I need anyone, but still...

Maybe it's better this way, for Kaji and me both.

As loath as I am to admit it, Misato really does care about him, and maybe...she'd be better for him.

That's what it really means to love someone, doesn't it? To want what's best for them?

Ugh! The thought of just forgetting about Kaji and leaving him to Misato makes me ill just thinking about it! But I know I must, if I really do love him. And I do...don't I?

After my good for nothing father walked out of my life, Ryoji Kaji was the one man in my life to actually treat me the way I'd always been taught to expect a man to treat me...despite the fact that I made his early days as my guardian an utter hell on earth for him, simply because I thought he was just another worthless adult foisted on me by NERV to make me behave; one who would, like all the others had, just give up and throw me away when I caused too much trouble...and also, just because he was a male...the first and only one of my guardians to be so...

For the crime of having a Y chromosome, I gave him a worse time of it than any of the others before him. And yet...he never gave up, he didn't run away, and always tried to be kind to me. And eventually, I let myself trust him.

I've always loved him for that...for putting up with me, and still genuinely caring about me...even though he knew, better than anyone, how horrible I could be...

As I got older, I began to take note of just how attractive the man was. I had seen men who were better looking, though not many were, but this was more than lust.

I could trust him, open my heart to him...I felt that I could share myself with Kaji in ways that I could not with anyone else. He knew my past, knew from the start how worthless I actually am...yet willingly stayed by my side.

This zenith of manhood somehow found something to value in me...when my own parents couldn't.

No one else could be worthy of me after that...

No one in this wretched world could stand beside my beloved Ryoji.

However, my attraction to him was not without its shallow and selfish facets as well, I'm ashamed to say. Even as I was falling in love, I thought that I could never be worthy of the man, but was resigned to live in celibacy rather than settle for anyone else. Then, the passing years morphed my body into the lovely specimen seen today; and all those around me...began to take note.

Naturally, I rebuffed all of them. Utter peasantry compared to the king who had my heart.

That said, I DID take their admiration to heart...

And I began to realize that as long as I could dazzle the world with my mere presence in a room, no one would ever see the real me...the worthless, abandoned child.

Seeing how many people, such as celebrities, used their relationships to raise their public status intrigued me. If I could publicly display that a man like Kaji had fallen for me...

On top of my status as one of the elite pilots for the Eva Program, and my reputation as a prodigy who was attending college at age 11, I knew that my status in the world would be all but unassailable. Given that I was such an extraordinary individual, I was sure that, eventually, most people would come to see me as an adult anyway, and thus the usual age difference taboo that stood in my way wouldn't matter to anyone who had the power to separate us.

Of course, the boost to my social standing would merely be a bonus, since I knew I really did love him, and that he cared for me in turn.

But when I made my move, I couldn't make him look at me, no matter what I did. Not the way I wanted him to...not the way he looks at Misato...not the way my father looked at that whore of a doctor...not the way Hikari and Jock Stooge look at eachother when they think no one's watching...not even the way stupid Shinji sometimes looks at fucking Wondergi-

Huh...now where did that come from?

Aside from being unable to complete any train of thought the moment I think of Shinji and Wondergirl togeth-

'Okay, seriously...what the shit is happening here?!'

Whenever...THAT thought...crops up, I start getting angry to the point that I visibly lose my composure.

It's almost like...

If I didn't know better...

Am I feeling...jealous?

'Jealous?' a part of me thinks incredulously. 'Of what....of who? Wondergirl?! Don't make me laugh! So what? Stupid Shinji wants to gawk at the creepy doll bitch? Fine with...'

Fine...with...

F-fine...w-

But no sooner do I think those words...

A crashing wave of revulsion makes me clench my fists and grit my teeth in unbidden fury.

'What's happening to me?'

Looking up at last, I look around to locate Shinji, and find him sitting against the doorway of the adjacent room, placidly reading a manga, and listening to his SDAT player.

'Jealous? Come on! Wondergirl could be here in this room right now, and it wouldn't mean a thing to you...'

Mentally, I envision the pale, blue-haired girl sitting next to stupid Shinji...her arms draped lazily about his narrow shoulders, eyes drooping as she rests her head against his neck.

And again, my stomach burns and clenches with loathing at the thought.

'W-well...of course you find it repulsive! A-after all...if they want to be all disgustingly lovey-dovey, they could at least have the decency to take it to somewhere more private and-'

But the image of that last thought does nothing to reassure me in the slightest...

Could it be...?

There's one way to know for sure...

'Ugh! I hate having to give in to you like this, you know? Fine, let's get this over with...'

I imagine the same scene as before...except that I've replaced Wondergirl...with myself...

And I wait a moment for the expected wave of disgust...

...and wait...

But...it doesn't come...

Instead I feel...a pleasant jangling of the nerves where I imagine myself making contact with Shinjii...

And I begin to envision his own arms encircling my waist...

My eyes are widening as my face starts to feel faintly warm, and my heart begins to pound faster...

I've only ever felt this way...around Kaji.

'This...this isn't right! No one but Kaji can do this to me, dammit! Nobody! Especially not the Third Child! The whiny, sniveling, weak, stupid Third Child...

_...who mastered that stupid dance program with me, despite all the abuse it got him, to defeat the Seventh Angel...who jumped his Eva into a volcano, without the protection of the diving gear my Eva had, to rescue me after I fought the Eighth Angel...and, even if it didn't involve rescuing or helping me directly, it WAS pretty impressive how he caught and held up by himself, for a moment at least, the gargantuan Tenth Angel; not only the largest Angel we've yet seen, but also one who's very SPECIALTY was hurling itself to the Earth in a suicide attack..._

I wonder to myself...

Have I been wrong this whole time?

Misjudged him? Perhaps...purposefully so...by downplaying his achievements while trying to convince myself that he is second rate to bolster my own ego?

I frown slightly, laying the left side of my head against the table, glaring at Shinji.

'This is stupid! All this uncertainty buzzing around in my head is ruining my focus! I am the Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02 goddamn it! I'm the best in the world at what I do, and this petulant, childish nonsense is beneath me!'

I begin to develop a bold new strategy to deal with this...insanity...inside of me.

'And on the subject of romance...Kaji may be 'spoken for'...at least until that bitch runs out on him again...but he is the ONLY man worthy of my affections! I'd sooner die waiting for him, than replace him with ANYONE! And to prove that stupid Shinji could never take his place, I'll go ahead and kiss the idiot...here and now!

I let none of these furiously churning thoughts show on my face...keeping my expression at a pensive frown as I put an arm under my head to cushion it...and continue to stare at the boy across the room.

'If part of me wants to fawn over the Third Child so damn much, fine! I'll make sure that part of me is in for one hell of a rude awakening! Surely, I'll be so disgusted when I actually kiss him...that afterwards, NO part of me will ever even CONSIDER wanting him again! And that'll set this whole mess to rest for good.'

_Yes, I expect it will..._

'Nip it! It's bad enough that you're forcing me to do this, so quit being so goddamn smug!'

_Why shouldn't I be? We're about to do what should have been done at least a month ago._

'And you're about to experience the worst disappointment of your life! And I can't wait to say 'I told you so'. Being able to say that to you...to myself...is the only reason I even consider doing this...no other reason...n-none! That is my only purpose with this undertaking!'

_Well, you seem aaawwfully sure of yourself on that, to say the least...now, enough talk. Go get him-_

'Don't you dare say-'

_-Tiger!_

'Grrrrrr!'

_That's the spirit, you're even growling like one! That's adorable!_

'I hate you.'

_And I'm still waiting to be 'supremely disappointed'. Nobody's perfect._

I tap my left index finger on the table, trying to decide how best to broach the subject. But, unable to think of anything better than the direct approach...I throw caution to the wind.

"Hey Shinji. You wanna kiss me?"

"Eh? What?!" He pulls out his earbuds, looking bewildered.

"Kissing," I repeat patiently, "you know. Have you ever done it?"

He sort of...nods...but seems to say "Uh uh" at the same time.

Deciding not to linger on the ambiguous answer, I push forward. "So let's do it!"

Shinji looks genuinely shocked now...and more than a little mistrustful. "Uh? But why?"

'Seriously, you're going to question this? Any other boy in your position wouldn't need an explanation.'

Knowing, of course, that I can't tell him the real reason, I simply say "I've got nothing else to do."

"That's your reason?" He looks away, as he audibly mutters, "You're weird..."

'Oh, I'm weird Third Child?! I'm the fucking weird one?! Fine then! Wanna play hard-to-get hardball with me? I'll bring out the big guns, you little shit!'

"Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"

Okay, even I have to admit that's more than a little underhanded of me to say...but I press on.

"Is she watching you from up in heaven?" I use my most sweetly nettling voice for maximum effect.

Shinji, for his part, looks a bit stung by this low blow...but surprisingly maintains his composure. "That's not it."

I then play my second trump card. "Or," I smirk at him imperiously, "are you just scared?"

He glares at me as he stands up. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"

Well...that's unusually assertive for him.

_I could get used to a little more of that..._

I must have really gotten under his skin by suggesting he was afraid. "Right. Did you brush your teeth?"

He affirms that he has.

"Then here I come," I say as I walk towards him.

His face is blank, but I can feel the tension building with every step I take forward, until I'm standing there...right in front of him.

For a moment, neither of us make a move. Then...I start to lean forward, as he visibly braces himself, and I can see that his face is bright red...and that he looks unsure of what to do.

'Not afraid huh?' I think to myself, scoffing at his earlier bravado.

But just when my lips are about to make contact...I pause, truly uncertain for the first time since I made up my mind...

I'm not sure I can do this...

Verdammt, I'm scared too! But why? I know exactly how this is going to go.

'It'll be disgusting, then Shinji will no longer be a distraction or disruption in my life!'

But what if I'm wrong, and...I actually like it, I wonder? What then? And what if...what if HE thinks it's disgusting?

What if he finds this...and me...repulsive, and just stands there like a statue until one of us has had enough? How will I feel then?!

I...I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I can go on with this anymore...

The tickling of Shinji's shallow breathing bring me back to reality...and I narrow my eyes slightly, as I make my final decision.

'You know what, if this is going to be an unpleasant experience for me, then why should he enjoy it? I'm not doing this for him after all, this is for MY peace of mind! Whatever he gets out of this means NOTHING to me!'

"Stop breathing, it's tickling me," I say as I raise my right hand, and pinch his nose shut.

His eyes widen, the pupils shrinking visibly, as I then close the final distance, and our lips meet at last.

I wait for the disgust to overpower me, and make me push him away. And wait, and wait, and...nothing. But I feel, something. His lips are soft against mine and...pleasant.

A tingling sensation is radiating from my lips and spreading rapidly through my body, as I begin to disconnect from the room around us...and...

Mein...Gott...

I...I...like this.

By all rules of logic, this is absurd, ridiculous, and yet, I know what I feel. Have I really been lying to myself this whole time? I must have been.

Somewhere inside, I know I should let go of Shinji's nose if I want this to go on, lest he break it off to take a breath, but I'm afraid of breaking the spell cast upon me for even a moment. And yet, I wish...

_Why won't you hold me? Why do you just stand there holding your breath, you idiot? If you want this, show me! Don't just stand there...be a man, damn you!_

And, almost as if it were in response to the hopeless plea forming in my rapidly fogging brain...for a moment, I imagine his left hand gripping my right wrist, and pulling it forcefully off of his nose, and a gentle warmth encircling me from my left as his right arm wraps around my waist, pulls me closer and...

I open my eyes...

And what I see...almost makes me break the kiss in surprise. He is even nearer than before, his eyes now closed contentedly. My hand, no longer fastened over his nose, is held gently in his left, and as I look out of the corner of my eye, I see that he has embraced me with his free right arm.

What?

The air seems to vanish from my lungs.

What?

The tingling I felt before has turned to numb shock.

What?

'But, you're a wimp, a spineless coward. How can you do this? How can you be doing this to me?!'

Then I wonder...

Doing, what, to me, exactly?

And it's then that silent, inarticulate question of 'what' begins to morph into a different word altogether.

Yes...

And with this single, jubilant word, the numbness is replaced, all over, by pulsating heat...a glorious tension at his touch is filling my chest, making my heart pound faster until it seems to erupt from my ribs.

All the doubts and uncertainties begin to melt away, slowly, almost lovingly...until all that remains is a joyful radiance; and an almost terrifying hunger...

And yet, I can hardly feel my arms, as I slowly try to lift them to return the embrace...and also steady myself, as my legs are rapidly weakening beneath me.

Even as I place my hands upon his shoulders, I can feel the warmth in my face and chest spread outward and then downward...there is no longer any denying it.

If there is anything surrounding us, it isn't real. The floor beneath us, isn't real. Nothing is real anymore. Not even...that older guy with the stubble and the ponytail.. Ryo- something or another?

Nothing is real now, but his lips and mine, and the sensations filling the the empty space.

I...I never...want this moment to end.

"And, yet...it will someday," a dark, mocking voice inside me sneers. "Someday, even stupid Shinji will see through your pathetic facade."

Shut up.

"Give in to this moment of weakness, and you may be happy for a time," the voice has no face...yet it's tone smiles wickedly, "but once you're laid bare before him, he'll see you for what you really are."

Go away!

"He'll run away. He's a coward. He always has been, and always will be. He'd never commit to someone so broken, so empty, so fake, so...", the voice smiles wider still, "replaceable..."

And now, a new vision tears asunder the haze of ecstasy in which I was so happily immersed...

And 'I' see Shinji...older now, and more handsome than I ever could have imagined him being, walking away from 'me'...just like Papa.

'My' eyes fill with tears as 'I' crumple, sobbing, pathetic and wretched, to 'my' knees.

'So...this...is what I would become?'

"Help me", 'I' whisper. "Help me."

My lips curl into a snarl as I watch the older version of myself begin to fall apart. 'Pathetic.'

"HELP ME!" Suddenly, the self that observe begins screaming, mad with despair, losing all semblance of control. "Don't leave me! Don't abandon me!"

The pain is more than I can bear, and I feel as though I will die here and now.

But is it...my pain?

"DON'T KILL ME!"

The older Shinji stops, and turns around for just a moment. Long enough to see that his cold eyes are as pitiless and unyielding as those of another man he greatly resembles.

And I hear his answer...a single word. "No".

Then, he turns to the side, and walks towards someone else, standing nearby, looking as if she has been waiting just for him. He takes her in his arms and embraces her, looking happier than he ever has in the time 'I' have known him.

Through 'my' tear clouded, anguished eyes, 'I' realize something...

I recognize the woman...and how could I not? She has blue hair, and red eyes...

I HATE YOU!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify...both the ‘words between quotations’ and the _words marked in italics_ represent Asuka’s thoughts. 
> 
> The ‘words in quotations’ are Asuka’s ‘mainline thoughts’. The _words in italics_ are Asuka’s _background_ thoughts...or rather, the _thoughts she doesn’t want to hear._


	6. An Unexpected Left (pt.3) 10/14/2015 (11:18 PM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright fellas, are you ready for this? 
> 
> This...this here is the TRUE diversion point. Obviously, we saw what happens in Asuka's POV...but it was Shinji's actions that have made the change. Shinji 'veered left' at the crossroads of his destiny...and this is the beginning of a new pathway.
> 
> So...I hope you all enjoy this as much as I loved writing it.
> 
> Here it goes :)

•11:18 PM

After returning from the market an hour ago, I had sat down at the kitchen table to read a manga Kensuke had lent to me.

Meanwhile, Asuka, judging by the sound of running water from the bathroom when I had walked in the door...had STILL been in the shower!

She'd been in there since a quarter to ten...around the same time I'd left to go to the only reasonably nearby store I knew of that had a decent variety of Western foodstuffs. Thankfully, they stay open late...

I was a little concerned that she was still in there when I got back an hour later. I almost...went to check on her...

Asuka taking a long time in the shower is nothing too new...but this time was longer than usual...

But knew that I'd probably be signing my death warrent by doing so...

So I let her alone.

About twenty some minutes after I'd walked in the door with my purchases, the water finally shut off, and I heard her walk out. And I found myself feeling relieved...both that she was alright, and that I had avoided making a suicidal move for nothing.

Looking over at the the clock, I see that it is now 11:20.

Misato has been out for awhile now...

Surely the wedding must be over by this point. But, if it isn't...I wouldn't be surprised if Misato decided to stay until they threw her out, just so she could take full and complete advantage of the open bar.

I sigh, rolling my eyes. "I just hope she doesn't overdo it...again," I mutter bitterly, remembering the the two weddings that she attended earlier this year...

The first one, on June 16 (exactly one week after I'd first arrived in Tokyo 3) had ended with Misato having to crash at Ritsuko's place, and she'd arrived back home at about 5am the following day, still not entirely sober. I'd been more worried than annoyed that time.

The second time...had been a little more harrowing. August 15, two weeks and a day before I met Asuka, Misato hadn't crashed elsewhere...but I found myself wishing that she had.

Before, I had found myself missing Misato when she'd slept off her drinking at Ritsuko's. But I soon discovered that it was better for my own health and sanity NOT to have to deal with her when she was completely blitzed to hell.

That night...an unusually hot and uncomfortably humid one, even by the standards of post-Impact Japan's actual summer...at about ten pm, I was summoned to the door over the intercom by a slightly panicky Maya Ibuki begging for help with Misato.

Opening the door, I was greeted by a sweaty and exhausted Maya...and a near catatonic Misato...who promptly vomited...all over the doorstep. Getting THAT out of the groove the door slides on had proven to be the least frustrating aspect of that evening.

Aside from cleaning up all the vomit...and by god there was a fucking metric ton of...something...inside that woman's stomach...

I also had to deal with Misato herself...

She oscillated between gleefully (and horribly) singing mangled karaoke songs...and crying uncontrollably. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I preferred the latter. At least I didn't need to clamp my hands over my ears to keep them from bleeding...

Worse though, was where she had gone almost completely quiet...

Her breathing had slowed rapidly...first becoming eeirily shallow and slow...then...just as disquietingly...ragged and irregular.

I then noticed how cold her skin was becoming...and began to remember something from a mandatory anti-drug seminar that my class had attended back in elementary school...

They had, after all, covered the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.

While waiting for the ambulance...something truly disturbing had happened.

Misato began to mumble incessantly. Most of it was incoherently slurred, but I was able to pick out a few words here and there...

"Help..."

"It's killing everyone..."

"Everyone's dead...oh god"

"I can't breathe...so much blood..."

"What are you?"

"Why..."

"Dr. Ångström is..."

"Daddy..."

"Chest...torn open...losing so much bl-"

But that last bit had been silenced by something worse.

Misato's face had suddenly contorted into a mask of horror...and she began to scream; horrible, bloodcurdling cries of terror, while clamping her hands desperately over her ears like a vice.

In between wordless shrieking, she screamed "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Even after I obediently and fearfully fell silent, she kept on screaming at...someone...or something...that I couldn't see or hear.

Just as the paramedics has burst in...she had begun to sob, still clamping her hands over her ears, begging, "someone, anyone...make it stop, please!"

I spent that night in the hospital, waiting by Misato's side.

Mercifully, she was silent from that point on. And when she woke up, she was more less back to normal...albeit rather embarrassed to have needed to go to to hospital...and apologetic towards me.

"Ugh...looks like I really overdid it, huh?"

"............."

She had turned to me with a rather impish grin and said, "luckily, I have such a virtuous knight in shining armor by my side to look after me."

I must have blushed at that, because Misato giggled a little, the way she always does when she gets a rise out of me with her teasing.

With a small sigh, she went on, "you're a good kid Shinji. Don't ever change."

"R-right."

We were both quiet for awhile after that.

Then she said, much more seriously then before, "I'm...sorry Shinji."

"Huh?"

"You must've had a rough night, thanks to me. I'm really sorry to have put you through that."

'As you should be', I thought bitterly to myself.

But I was also ashamed of feeling that way...after all, most of me was just relieved that Misato was alright.

"N-no problem."

"I....uh, hope I wasn't too much trouble."

"..........."

"Shinji?"

"U-uh n-no M-miss Misato. Y-you were f-fine."

She had smiled at that.

Though...

She was quiet for a long time, and spent the next few minutes staring at the ceiling...her expression seemed pensive...and kind of sad...ashamed maybe...

When we left several hours later, she was more subdued than usual. And when we arrived home, and saw the vomit I hadn't been able to clean yet, she insisted on cleaning it up herself.

It was strange, to say the least...though not as strange as what happened next.

Over the next few weeks, there was a small...but noticeable nonetheless decrease in the number of beer cans I routinely cleaned up. And after about a month, the brand began to change...

The Yebisu cans were gradually by steadily replaced by Boa cans...

I knew the latter brand to be somewhat more expensive...so I guess that's why there was a decrease.

Though...that wouldn't explain the initial decrease in Yebisu cans...

'Maybe even Misato is capable of some self-control?'

I smile a little at that.

'Also...at least Kaji AND Ritsuko are both there to look after her this time.'

Hopefully, if they do bring her back here, they'll only do so knowing that she'll be alright afterwards.

'Ah well. Here's hoping...'

Just as my mind begins to focus on the manga once more, a loud noise interrupts...

The phone is ringing.

'Probably Misato,' I think to myself, as I walk over to answer the call.

Sure enough, when I pick up the phone, a familiar and rather slurred voice says, **"Hey, Shinji? It's me."**

"Hi," I respond, wondering wryly...and not without a touch of apprehension...just how many drinks she's had tonight.

**"I'm gonna be out drinking with Kaji,"** she continues. **"Don't wait up for me, okay?"**

'Well, can't say I didn't see that coming.'

"Okay."

**"And don't get to bed too late, alright?"**

'Maybe you should listen to yourself once in awhile.'

"Right. Yeah. Sure." And with that, I end the call...hoping that this time, she'll at least spare me an evening at the hospital.

As I hang up the phone, I hear Asuka enter the room.

"Hmm, Misato?", she inquires.

"Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."

At these words, she looks mortified. "What? You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"

"I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji."

She looks at me with mingled frustration and incredulity. "Are you dense? That guarantees it!"

It doesn't take long for me to get the picture. So Asuka must think Misato and Kaji are going to spend the night together.

And given how she feels about Kaji...

I look over at her. She's sitting at the table, her head buried in her folded arms.

Walking over to her, I ask, "Asuka, what's wrong?"

She just groans inarticulately in response.

"Uh, I- um, hope you feel better soon."

She says nothing and doesn't even indicate that she heard me at all. Now I know for sure that this is really bothering her. Normally, she'd have probably yelled at me to 'fuck off.'

Is she really in so much pain over this, that she's not even bothering to lash out at me?

I guess I shouldn't really feel sorry for her, but...I know how she must be feeling.

After all, I know what it's like to want someone who will never want you in return...

I wonder if I should say something more...and really try...to help her feel better.

I walk over, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder...then immediately withdraw it, remembering what happened last time.

'Why bother?'

Why not let her stew in her misery?

You're not obligated to help her!

And she'd never do the same for you, probably just laugh at you and call you an idiot like she always does. Besides, it might be for her own good anyway. It might help her get over this stupid obsession with Kaji...

I glare down at her, feeling a mixture of grim satisfaction...and guilt for feeling that way.

'Still,' I think to myself, 'she's still a human being like me, and she has feelings. I know she'll probably just blow me off, but...I should at least TRY to say something to help her feel better.'

But what?

In the end, my nerve failed me, and I let her sit there being miserable.

Part of me feels disgusted, but...I don't even know what I would've said anyway...

'How can I help?'

I have no answer for that.

So, I do what I normally do when the world throws an unsolvable problem my way...and retrieve my SDAT player.

Plugging into the music and reading the manga, I tune out the ugly, confusing world around me...except for a red needle jabbing at the corner of my eye.

Glancing sideways, I see that Asuka hasn't moved at all, and wonder if she's fallen asleep.

Either way...deciding that she won't be looking up any time soon, I take the rare opportunity to actually look at her without fear of painful retribution.

"She really is beautiful," I think to myself. Even when she's at her lowest, I just can't help but look at her.

A sentiment that quickly evaporates when I see her stirring, and beginning to raise her head.

I hurriedly bury myself in the manga again, noticing as I do so...that her eyes are fixed upon me.

I spend the next several minutes trying my best to act as if I don't notice her gaze...wondering if she noticed me looking at her...

And if I'm about to get punished for daring to do s-

"...-ji, you wanna kiss me?"

What...?

I just imagined that...right?

"Huh? What?!"

"Kissing...you know," she responds. "Have you ever done it?"

Nope, that's what she said...I'm definitely not hallucinating, but...

I'm so dumbfounded, that I'm unsure whether or not vague memories of kissing my mother counts when it comes to answering her question.

In my confusion, I nod my head while at the same time saying "uh uh" to state, truthfully that I haven't kissed a girl my age.

Seemingly untroubled by the dubious answer, Asuka sits straight up in her chair, a oddly...avid...look on her face.

"So, let's do it."

I recoil in surprise...as well as fear.

What the hell is happening?

What game is she playing now?! I'm terrified of finding out.

"Uh? But why?"

"I've got nothing else to do," she responds loftily.

Just boredom then?

I guess I should have seen that coming.

"That's your reason? You're weird."

I expect her to give it up, but with a smug expression, she says, "Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"

Her voice takes on a mock baby tone. "Is she watching you from up in heaven?"

That's a low blow even for her...

But, managing to keep my composure and swallow the spark of rage ignited by her slight about my mother, I simply respond, truthfully, "That's not it."

'I just don't want to play your stupid game,' I think bitterly.

"Or," she turns to look right at me, smirking, "are you scared?"

Something in my heart hardens...and I feel the anger I held back at first rise and uncoil like a rearing cobra.

I don't know why I'm taking the bait now, when I know I'm falling right into her hands.

Maybe, I just don't care anymore.

Maybe, I just want to shut her up.

Maybe the only way to do that is to play along. Either way, I'll show her!

Glaring at her, I rise to my feet. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"

"Right," she responds, sounding oddly eager and maybe...relieved?  
"Did you brush your teeth?"

I nod my head. "Yeah."

"Then here I come." And she walks brazenly towards me, until she stands directly in front of me.

For a moment, she does nothing, staring blankly at me. She seems almost...unsure?

Then, slowly, she leans towards me...and I feel my face growing hot.

A fog seems to gather in my brain, and I suddenly can't remember where we are.

'This is a dream,' I think wildly. 'This a dream, and I'm going to wake up any moment now!'

I shut my eyes, bracing myself for the moment I am torn away from this fantasy, and fall back into reality. It's unusually realistic this time...

I open my eyes. Asuka's cerulean irises look back at me.

This is real?

'This is REAL?!'

Asuka's next words snap me out of my moment of uncertainty. "Stop breathing, it's tickling me."

My eyes widen at the words...and before I can even respond, the fingers of her right hand pinch my nose shut, hard.

And she closes the remaining distance, until our lips...meet.

I've only ever seen this happen in my dreams, but this isn't at all like I hoped it would be.

The kiss is clumsy and uncomfortable, and not just because my nose is clamped shut.

But, I still don't...want it to stop. This could be my chance. My chance to show her...to tell her...

I'm feeling...something.

A sense of vertigo, seeping into my brain, filling it with static, freezing the air in my chest, and making my legs wobble beneath me...

Oh, right...oxygen deprivation.

My hands are contorting at my sides as I struggle to breathe without breaking the kiss.

'Think, dammit, THINK! You have two free hands here, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU PASS OUT OR DIE OR WORSE, BREAK THE KISS!'

Suddenly, it hits me. I know what I need to do.

The memory of what I've seen in movies is clear in my otherwise blank mind.

Embrace her.

Show her you want this.

'And for crying out loud, pull her hand off your nose!'

But, I'm afraid.

I'm too scared.

She'll break the kiss herself and then kill me for 'being a pervert!'

Then that'll be it. She'll never kiss me again, and she'll hate me more than ever.

M-maybe if I just wait it out, she'll be the one to embrace ME...to let me know it's okay to do the same to her.

'And what if she doesn't?', the voice inside questions. 'What if...? What if she's waiting for YOU to show HER it's okay to embrace you?'

But that's impossible!

She'd never want that from me!

And if she does, why can't SHE show it? Why can't SHE just be open about it?

'I don't know', the voice responds. 'But I think you should try. If this is a once in a lifetime chance...then you have nothing to lose.'

Seriously, have you not felt her right hook before?! This has DEATHWISH written all over it!

'THEN MAYBE, JUST THIS ONCE, ITS WORTH THE RISK! Now start by raising your left hand, and...'

My left hand firmly removes her right from my nose, and continues to hold it gently by the palm.

Curiously, despite taking a deep breath and then exhaling through my nose directly into Asuka's face, she does NOT break the kiss, nor give any sign of wanting to.

Almost instinctively, I feel my right arm rise tentatively, and encircle her slender waist.

For a moment, I just feel...numb.

Did I just...

Did I do that?

Was that...me?

Is this me?

Is this her?

Are we really...

Are we...doing this?

Then, it starts to all come together in my mind.

And with that revelation...comes a feeling I'd only thought possible in dreams.

Only...more wonderous then could have been dreamed of.

It's more that just the sensation of our mouths pressed together and our bodies standing so close...and even more than just the...uh...stirring...I feel at the base of my abdomen.

It's...completion.

The tension inside of me...once the chains that helds me fast...once the ache that crippled me...is now the wind within my wings as I rise above my prison...the ceiling of iron grey clouds that had once made me hide in fear of the storm to come.

That same fire I felt when playing the cello is consuming every nerve...every thought...every beat of my racing heart...every emotion pouring from my soul is wreathed in the warm glow.

I no longer see the room...the floor...the walls...

There is only her...

There is only me...

There is only...us.

I take in her every feature in a way I never have before...

Her thin yet shapely form...graceful and elegant...her face; so full of confidence and so beautiful as to make one look twice...her red hair; exotic, fragrant with the odor of strawberry and balsam, always flaring out and seeming to glide tantalizingly in even the gentlest wind...her eyes; cerulean, usually cold and forbidding, but when she smiles, shining like the ocean's surface in the evening sun.

If this moment should end...and I know it must at some time, that is what I want to see most...a smile from her.

If I can see that just once more, I'll never want for anything else in this world.

It's then that I feel her left hand on my shoulder.

I feel it's gentle heat through my t-shirt.

I can also feel it trembling, as if she's unsure if it belongs there. I squeeze her right hand gently to let her know that it's okay, and the trembling subsides.

And slowly, she pulls her hand free from mine, and places it on my other shoulder.

And...pulling even closer together when my left arm joins the other at her waist, we stand there...lost in the moment...for how long, I do not know.

Suddenly, I feel her murmuring beneath the kiss, and her body begins to tense up.

The gentle weight of her hands on my shoulders becomes greater as she begins to clench them fretfully.

Opening my eyes, I see that her eyes are closed tightly in an expression of...

Terror?

Disgust?

I step back, releasing her waist...

And our lips are parted...

For a moment, her arms are aloft right where they held my shoulders, seeming to almost...reach out plaintively...before they drop to her sides...and clench into fists.

And before I can say anything...

Or even start to form the words in my mind...

She opens her mouth in a scream, and three words emerge...

"I HATE YOU!"


	7. Fallout 10/15/2015 (12:55 AM)

_ "Deserted again _  
_ You speak to me through the shadows _  
_ Walking in closed rooms _  
_ Using cold words _  
_ Captured by the night _  
_ The yearning escapes from my embrace" _

_ "Credence in my word _  
_ Written in dust, tainted by memories _  
_ I confess my hope, recognize my loneliness" _

https://youtu.be/Nt5_yybG9f4

 

“ **Credence** ” by Opeth

 

•12:55 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

"I HATE YOU!"

The words of my own mouth cut like a knife through my brain, shocking me into opening my eyes.

I'm standing in the kitchen of Misato's apartment. The adult Shinji is gone, replaced by the teenage Shinji standing in front of me. And taking one look at the horrified expression on his face, I begin to realize what's just happened.

I kissed him...

We were kissing...

That's right, I wanted...to prove to myself...that I found Shinji disgusting so that I'd stop thinking about him so much...and thinking the kind of thoughts I have been about him...instead of Kaji...

But...instead...

Instead...I...I...liked it...loved it...Gott im Himmel, I want more!

And yet...

The image of Shinji kissing that...thing...that doll...that little BITCH, Rei!

I HATE...

Oh...

Oh Mein Gott!

I screamed it out loud...I must have, that's why Shinji is looking at me that way.

I need to tell him!

_"Shinji! I-I'm sorry!_

_I...I didn't mean 'you' when I said..._

_I-I was thinking of...someone else...and it just burst out of me..."_

That's what I want to say...

But the words die in my chest before I can even begin to form them.

The kitchen is deadly quiet, and the tension hangs like a funeral veil between and around us.

_What are you doing?_

I have no answer...

_Say something!_

I open my mouth, struggling to articulate the torrent of thoughts and emotions surging through my brain.

But I can't...

Then, I see Shinji step forward cautiously. "A-Asuka? What's wrong?"

He starts to reach for my shoulder.

More instinctively than intentionally, I back away. "Just, stay away Shinji."

The words send a spike of horror into my heart.

_No! That's not what I wanted to say!_

Shinji looks more hurt than I've ever seen him. "Asuka...I-I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't m-mean to..."

Steeling myself, I at last manage to speak. "No Shinji. I'm sorry."

His eyes widen in surprise. "But...I...sorry? For what, Asuka?"

"For what I...just said," I answer. "I didn't mean it."

Shinji looks slightly reassured, but still concerned. "You don't hate me?"

"No."

Silence falls again.

"So then," Shinji says at last, "what...or...uh...who...did you mean?"

Panic at his question fills me like an icy ocean.

Damn it! What do I tell him?

_The truth!_

'Stay out of this! You've caused enough trouble! All of this is YOUR fault for wanting to do such...disgusting...things with...HIM, of all people!'

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Shinji," is all I say. "In fact, I just can't be around you right now."

Shinji looks scared, but determined as he says, "Asuka, wait! Please, talk to me."

"About what, Shinji?"

'Damn you, stupid Shinji! Isn't it enough that admitted I don't hate you? Why can't you leave well enough alone, and just run away like you always do? I feel my hands clenching into fists, and my frustration rising.'

"About what just happened," he responds nervously. "Really, I want to help. I need to know...did I do something wrong?"

I ponder for a moment, before answering, "No." I pause for a moment before adding, "But I did."

"You did?", Shinji asks, confused. "Well...if...if you mean the whole, uh, shouting I HATE YOU thing...well...um-"

"That's not what I mean, idiot!" I've decided on how to get myself out of this. "I mean...me...deciding to kiss you. It was a mistake."

Even as I feel a terrible plummeting sensation inside of me, I see, through the look of despair on his face, the same reaction take place in Shinji.

_No...you're lying! Stop it! Stop it right now!_

"But...but...Asuka...you...you don't...you don't really mean...please...tell me you don't really mean that..." Shinji's voice is so faint, I can hardly hear it over my thudding heart.

_No! I don't mean that, Shinji! I don't mean a word of it! Please...don't do this! Tell him you don't mean that!_

'Why? Besides, I do mean it! It WAS a mistake.'

_No! You know what you felt when you kissed him! You can't deny that to me!_

'But I can deny it to him. And I have to. It's the only way...'

"I do mean it," I say, not faking the heaviness in my voice.

Why does it hurt so much?

Shinji turns away, putting his face in his hands. "No...no...", his voice is muffled, but I can hear his anguish, clear as day.

"Shinji look, it was just a kiss," I say, trying to sound matter-of-fact. "I hope you didn't have some, wild idea of us...falling in love or something."

Shinji turns back to face me, his expression one of dawning horror.

'So, that IS what he wanted? He should remember who he's dealing with. He's a fool for having expected, or even wanted such a thing from me!'

_That's what you wanted too! Stop denying that! You want this every bit as much as he does! More even! And you're about to throw it all away! Why?!_

'I don't want that! I don't want Shinji! Shinji is a weakness that would hold me back! And in the end, even if I did stoop down to Shinji's level, he'd still end up running away...just like Papa...and you know that! You can't deny that what we just saw in our mind will happen eventually! Kaji is the only man I want! The only man in this world worthy of my status!'

_And who's to say...even if you somehow won him over...that he wouldn't just run away on you too?_

'I-I-I, you...! Sh-shut up! A real man like him would NEVER run away! And he's already proven that!'

_He did run away once. That story, about his brother, and their friends..._

'Th-that's different! Kaji was just a boy back then! He's a man now!'

_And he's more than twice your age!_

'I know that, and I don't care!'

_But Kaji does! Because unlike you, he's NOT a depraved human being!_

'One day, he'll come around! And even if he doesn't...well-...it doesn't matter now anyway...and it's time to put this issue to rest...forever...'

"I-I don't know if that's what I wanted," Shinji responds. "But, I-I like you, Asuka. I guess, I had hoped..."

"What? That some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?," I say, at least trying to sound casually, rather than maliciously dismissive. "Time to grow up Shinji. That's not how life works. And besides, I've told you. Kaji is the only man for me."

"Then why?! Why did you kiss me?" Shinji is beginning to sound angry.

I look away, as I respond, "I told you, because I was bored."

Shinji glares at me, as he says, "I don't believe you."

"What?," I turn to him incredulously. "Are you that dense and delusional?"

Shinji recoils from that, his anger softening, but continues, "I don't know how you really feel about me. But...something tells me that you're lying about just having been bored."

"And what makes you say that?," I respond airily. But there's a growing sense of dread inside.

And excitement.

Does he see right through me?

_Shinji..._

"It was the way you responded...when I pulled your hand away from my nose. When I put my arm around you. I'm no expert, but for a moment, it seemed like...like you were really happy."

'Oh...scheiße...'

_Shinji! You...you noticed? Gott I've never been happier then I was at that moment!_

'No...'

_You really do understand!_

'I can't...I won't let this-'

_Shinji, I-I...I think I...I-...Shinji! I lo-_

'NO! SHUT UP!'

_No! I won't-_

'I'M PUTTING AN END TO THIS RIGHT NOW!'

_W-what do you mean?!_

'Okay stupid Shinji, you can't just drop it like a good boy? Fine...then you've brought this on yourself...'

_Wait! What are you doing!?_

"Okay Shinj," I say in my most quietly dangerous voice. "You want to know the truth? Fine. I'll tell you. If you've really let yourself fall for me, you're probably not going to like it."

_No. You...you wouldn't!_

I walk closer to him, making sure to look him in the eye. "Like you, I've never kissed anyone before. I was curious. I wanted to see what it would be like. But, as I'm sure you know, Kaji won't let me kiss him."

_No! No! NO! NO! Stop it!_

'Shut up! This is his own fault...and YOURS!'

_You bitch! Stop it right now!_

A look of horrified comprehension starts to form on Shinji's face, but I press on, "So really, anyone else would do. You just happened to be here at the right time."

_I won't let you do this! Take it back! Take it back, or I swear I'll break out and tell him everything!_

'Well, what's stopping you?'

_W-what? What do you mean?_

'Why don't you just break out now and tell Shinji everything like you want to?'

_...I can't! I can't break free! You won't let me-_

'And in case you've forgotten, you are ME! Or have you forgotten what you yourself said to me earlier...?'

_You...y-you're just afraid! You're too much of a coward to say what you KNOW you're feeling!_

'But remember, if you are me, and I'm a coward...THEN SO ARE YOU!'

I press on, "Unfortunately, kissing you was more...sickening...than I had expected. So, I imagined that you were Kaji instead. And it worked, for a moment at least. Then I remembered what was really happening, and I...overreacted a little."

Somewhere in my mind, I hear the sound of weeping. It sounds like my own voice...

_No. Please no. Please...just stop! You've done enough..._

"So, let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."

My tone continues to rise as I grow angrier with every word, even as a growing sense of revulsion at my words threatens to make me sick.

"It's infuriating enough that I have to work with you. What makes you think I'd ever let you make me into some kind of trophy girl? And don't you dare try and tell me that your feelings are 'deeper than that'! Mein Gott, Shinji, one stupid kiss and all of a sudden you think you actually deserve me?! That I'd lower myself by being seen in public with you? Well Shinji, I'm sure part of you was looking forward to remembering back to this night; so when you do, you just remember what I'm about to say right now, you stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male!"

Shinji simply stares back at me, eyes wide, with the completely hollow look of someone who has lost everything.

_Shinji. Forgive me..._

"The mental image of kissing Ryoji Kaji was the only thing that made this experience close to bearable for me. But you know, looking back...it wasn't worth it! Kissing you was the most..."

I feel sick...

"Unpleasant..."

Not at 'what' has happened...but 'with someone'...

"Disgusting..."

And it's not 'with' who I expected...

"...mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence, just so I won't have to remember it! And I'd rather die than ever -, h-hey get your ass back here when I'm talking to you Third!"

For Shinji had turned around in the middle of my sentence and began to run. Within seconds he was out the door, and without bothering to close it, ran off into the night.

For a moment, the room seems to echo with my last words...before it all begins to sink in. Before I see...

...

Mein Gott...his eyes...

...

In the split second before he turned away, even before my angry demand had begun to spill out, I saw his eyes...and an expression on his face that will haunt me until I myself am as dead as the gaze of those cobalt irises.

That reflexive command for him to stay put has barely left my lips when the image branding itself deep into my mind makes my every nerve seize up with horror.

...

Wha...what did I...oh Gott...

"Shinji!" The anger in my voice is completely supplanted by desperation as I begin to run after him. "Shinji, wait! I-"

But before I've even reached the door, I hear someone else calling for Shini too! Then the voice yells, "Asuka! Get out here now!"

Kaji!

Already at the door, I step outside to see him struggling to keep Misato on her feet. Misato herself is trying to break free and stand on her own, blearily calling out, "Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I...can't...stand up strai- aahhh" and topples to the ground, landing, hard, on the walkway, where she promptly begins attempting to crawl after Shinji.

Kaji gently holds her back and helps her back to her feet. Then he looks over at me, his expression uncharacteristically worried.

"Asuka!" His tone is unusually sharp. "Help Katsuragi inside, and get her to bed. I need to go after Shinji!"

"Where's he going?" I ask stupidly. Everything seems to be a haze now.

Is that what it's like to be in a controlled state of panic?

"Hell if I know!," he cries exasperatedly. "Just get her inside! I have to hurry!"

And, leaving me with Misato, he runs off to the elevators. Misato tries to push me off when I pull her to her feet and help her inside the apartment.

"Kaji...wait...for me. Shinji! SHINJI!" Misato is sounds slightly hysterical, though her voice is rapidly weakening with tiredness. And she goes nearly limp once we've almost reached the bedroom.

"Not again...", her voice starts to crack. "Please..."

Mustering all my strength, I manage to get her to her room, and lay her down in the bed. Luckily her drunkeness made it difficult for her to fight back, or I'd never been able to move her at all.

For a moment, I look down at her. She's nearly fallen asleep, but fresh tears are forming in her closed eyes. "Shin...ji..." She whispers, then falls silent.

Unable to control myself anymore...even knowing that Misato may not fully be asleep yet...I clamp my hands over my face as I walk away.

I try...

I really do try with all my might to hold it all back...but to no avail.

And as I close the door to my room, I drop to the floor...

And for the first time in three years, I break down...crying.

\-------------------------------------


	8. Fallout (pt.2) 10/15/2015 (12:33 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here’s Misato’s debut POV.

•12:33 AM

Well, the wedding was alright after all. And going out drinking with Kaji and Ritsuko was nice too. Too bad I've overdone it again.

'Huagh....HHUAAGH!'

Puking in an alleyway after drinking all night? Check.

A mental promise to myself never to drink again that I'll just forget or outright ignore? Check.

A hot guy named Ryoji Kaji helping me get home? Mmm, check.

"Alright Katsuragi," said hot guy says after helping me to my feet. "Let's get you up on my back. I'll carry you."

Kaji locks his arms under my knees, as I wrap my arms around his neck from behind.

He sighs with slight exasperation as a he carries me down the street towards my apartment. "Drinking until you throw up," he says admonishingly. "How old are you?"

"Ugh, old enough to regret it," I groan.

I can't see his face, but Kaji's tone softens when he says, "I'm old enough as well."

"You're damn right!", I chuckle drunkenly.

"I can't believe that you wear high heels these days. Time really does fly."

Too distracted by rubbing my arm along his unshaven cheek, I ignore his comment and respond that he should shave his sloppy face. He gives some grunt of noncommittal agreement, seemingly lost in thought.

"Hey, let me walk," I tell him, and he lowers me gently to the ground.

I thank Kaji, and continue walking, him right behind me. It may just be the alcohol, but I'm feeling troubled. Maybe...now is the time to reveal the truth to Kaji. Maybe it's time to come clean after all these years.

I turn to look at him, and feel my heart race a little. Never has he looked so handsome to me; tall, confident, with a casual, laid back sort of elegance only he could pull off, with his long, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, and the eternal stubble on his face.

He sees me looking back and smiles, his blue eyes locking onto mine. I quickly look away as I say, "Kaji, do you think I've changed?"

"You're even prettier."

A gentle, warm touch of pleasure at the sincerity of the compliment is immediately doused by the weight of what I'm about to say.

"That's not what I meant." I steel myself, preparing to tell him..."When I told you there was someone else, it wasn't true. But you knew that didn't you?"

His answer was quick and calm. "No."

And as we walk, it all comes spilling out of me. All the regrets and the disgust I've carried for the last eight years since the day I left him.

How I panicked when I realized how much like my father Kaji was. How I ran away because I was terrified of falling in love with someone just like my father; the man I hated. How I only joined NERV to try to sever the ties with my father, only discover that he himself had been a member. How I then devoted my life to destroying the Angels to avenge my father and myself and bury all the pain.

I stop walking, hanging my head. Kaji stops in front of me, and tries to stop me from beating myself up, but I press on.

It was just an escape, and I ran to it. I ran away from the real world, and my father like a coward.

'Hell, I even had to get drunk to work up the nerve to say any of this!'

Again Kaji tries to calm me down, but ignore him. I go on that I'm an immature child, with no right to be a guardian to Shinji and Asuka.

"Enough!," shouts Kaji.

"Look at me," I cry out, so disgusted with myself, I could vomit again. "Afraid to accept a helping hand up from a man, except when I'm so falling down drunk that I don't even know what I'm doing! I'm a whore of a woman, and I'd use you!"

"Cut it out!"

"Use you, because I'm a coward! I'm pathetic-"

But my tirade is cut off. And though I continue to try to form words with which to wound myself, they are muffled beyond recognition by the lips pressed against mine.

Kaji's eyes are closed, his hands firmly clasped upon my upper arms, just below the shoulders.

For a moment, I protest weakly, mostly out of surprise. But, my mind, my soul and body are melting from the pleasure of this moment, and thus my tensions vanish and my muffled words turn to moans of lust.

Distantly, I hear the clatter of my high heels falling to the concrete as they slip from my hands.

It's just like it was eight years ago; better even. Kaji is standing by me despite my revealing how pathetic and broken I am.

He's here...his lips pressed against mine, despite seeing me at my lowest.

'God, what have been doing all these years? Why did I ever give this up? I'm a damn fool.'

And yet even as I realize this, I still hesitate to return the embrace of the man I love, halfheartedly raising, then lowering my arms.

Soon enough, the moment ends. Kaji pulls back, and smiles gently at me. I smile back...as I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him again.

This time, the kiss is aggressive, passionate, with a kind of ferocity. When his arms encircle my waist, it's like he is water to my parched throat.

And there we stand, beneath the pale halo of the street lamp, for how long, I know not.

Some time later, Kaji and I are walking out of the elevator, towards my apartment. Some of the alcohol that hadn't hit me earlier is now making it impossible for me to walk without his help.

As he helps me to my door, someone comes bursting out of it; a thin, teenage boy with a head of short brown hair, dark blue eyes, and a sensitive, almost feminine face.

"Shinji?" I say weakly.

"Hey there Shinji, can you give us a h-," Kaji starts to say.

But Shinji seems not to notice either of us as he runs past us, towards the elevator.

"Shinji!" Kaji yells angrily. "Where do you think you're going? Get back here!"

But the boy doesn't so much as turn his head.

"Shinji...wait...", I try to shout. But I know he can't hear me now.

"Asuka!," Kaji calls, sounding harried now, "get out here now!"

Asuka appears almost the moment he finishes the sentence, looking a bit panicked herself. I try my best to free myself from Kaji and stand up independently.

"Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I can't...stand up strai- aahhh!" Finally freeing myself, I promptly lose my balance and fall to the ground.

As I watch, the elevator doors close, concealing Shinji from view, but not before I see him hunched over, banging his fist into the elevator wall, the very picture of despair.

Behind me, I can hear Kaji curtly telling Asuka to help me into the apartment and get me to lay down.

'Fuck that!' Not until I find Shinji! He's already run away once before, I can't lose him again!

I start to crawl towards the elevator, dignity be damned. I hear Asuka ask a question, Kaji answering sharply, then Kaji runs past us towards the elevators.

"Come on Misato, let's get you inside," Asuka stays, sounding uncharacteristically worried. I try to push her off as she helps me to my feet, but I'm becoming too weak from inebriation to resist as she pulls me towards the apartment.

"Kaji...wait...for me. Shinji! SHINJI!" I'm starting to cry, thinking of how it felt last time to see that empty room the first time Shinji ran away. "Not again. Please..."

Asuka leads me to my bed, dropping me gently onto the mattress, and pulling the blankets over me. The last thing I see and hear before my drunken fatigue robs me of consciousness, is her walking away, hands clutching at her face, a muffled...hiccuping like sound coming from behind her palms, before I hear the door to her room slam shut.

And with that, the darkness of sleep claims me.

\-------------------------------------


	9. Fallout (pt.3) 10/15/2015 (1:06 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is VERY short...but it’s necessary setup for the next chapter.
> 
> So now, we go back to Kaji...

•1:06 AM

Leaving Asuka and Katsuragi, I arrive at the elevators. Unfortunately, one of the two operating cabs had broken down two weeks ago, so I'm forced to use the same one Shinji had entered.

I press the button, waiting impatiently for the cab to return. Looking up at the floor counter, I receive a surprise as well as a moment of relief; the elevator is descending downward, meaning that Shinji is still in the building...that he headed for the upper floors.

But where could he be goIng up there?

The roof, perhaps? But why?

An unpleasant thought crosses my mind.

Shinji, from what I could see as he ran by, seemed beside himself with grief. And for him to not stop to help with Misato is most unlike him.

Normally he's very kind and helpful, if also too timid and passive for his own good. For him to ignore Misato at a time when she clearly needed help...

And he's going to the roof...

'Surely, he wouldn't...he wouldn't...'

My heart begins to race. 'If I'm too late, Katsuragi will never forgive me!'

I curse at the elevator, wishing it would go faster. Reaching the top floor, I disembark, running for the 'maintenance only' door, which stands wide open. I run up the stairs two at time, and burst out of the door shed at the top.

I quickly turn my head this way and that, until...I spot him at the other end of the building...and my blood freezes.

Even as I watch, he clambers up onto the concrete ledge surrounding the roof, and stands there, overlooking the drop on the other side.

Time seems to stand still. In that moment, I quickly realize that if I make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, or even reveal myself at the wrong moment, that it will be too late.

That is, if it is not already too late.


	10. Upon The Threshold 10/15/2015 (1:07 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here stands Shinji, upon a threshold that is at once figurative...and very much literal as well.

_ "Mark these words _  
_ One day this chalk outline will circle this city _  
_ Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face? _  
_ A room colored charlatan _  
_ Hid in a safe _

_ Stalk the ground _  
_ Stalk the ground" _

https://youtu.be/4pMhnHVu-KM

“ **Televators** ” by The Mars Volta

 

** Chapter 4-Upon The Threshold **

•1:07 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

It was all a blur...from the moment I turned and ran...to when I found myself here on the roof....

I just...I needed to get away. I need to think, to swallow the pain...

"I HATE YOU!"

'She didn't mean it,' she said. According to her, she 'overreacted'.

But then, something just as bad followed...

_"I imagined that you were Kaji. And it worked for a moment."_

'She used you. She can't have Kaji, so she just toyed with your feelings to get what she wanted.'

_"What? You hoped some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?"_

'You even told her how you felt. And she took the heart from your chest, and stomped it into the dust.'

_"Let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."_

'You never had a chance...'

_"You just remember what I'm about to say right now, you stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male! Kissing you was the most unpleasant, disgusting mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence, just so I won't have to remember it! And I'd rather die than ever -"_

'Ever what? Kiss me again? Look at me again? Think about me again? Does she really hate me that much?'

I remember back to when our lips met. The feeling...it was incomparable. The feel of her hands on my shoulders, the soft pressure of her mouth, the feeling of holding her in my arms. For a moment, I knew what it was to be happy. I felt...wanted...needed, knowing that her sighs of contentment were because of me...except they weren't.

The scene changes...Asuka violently shoves me away, spitting in my face to show her disgust. And from behind me emerges another; taller, older, more muscular. Asuka smiles radiantly at him. Her smile...what I've wanted to see more than anything. Why? Why can't she look at me that way? Kaji takes her into his arms, as she, turning to smirk coldly at me, wraps her arms around his neck and...

'So this is what she envisioned. This is why she didn't instantly pull away or push me away. I tighten my fists, trying to hold back the tears, and the rage. I'd never felt so happy in my life. To have it all torn away like this...and to know that I could never feel this way again...'

Needing to see open space to escape the claustrophobia of my thoughts...I look over the concrete ledge, down at the ground below.

'Huh. Well that's not even why I came up here. The roof was just the first place I thought of to run away to. I hadn't really thought about...'

But now that I'm here...

'Surely...no one could live through a fall from this height. I might not even feel anything. And then...'

I can't feel this horrible emptiness if I make it so that can't feel anything.

'Then the hurting will stop...forever...'

I know that I'm pathetic, and an idiot for even considering the idea...but that feeling...it's all I can think about now. It's like a drug...an inferno burning up everything else in it's path.

'I wonder what it would be like to stand upon the razor's edge between life and death. Maybe when I'm there, I can finally decide.'

I hoist myself up to the top of the ledge, careful not to lose my balance, and stand there, looking at the night sky above, and the ground below. If there were people around, I suppose they would point up at me, screaming at me to get down, or just stupidly shout the obvious "he's going to jump!"

I can almost see myself simply lean forward a little, and topple over, falling with arms outstretched, my eyes closed peacefully, and then...nothing.

Nothing left but an ugly stain, and a chalk outline around a broken body on the concrete.

I can recognize some of the people in the crowd. A tall, long haired, unshaven man; his face looking grim. A muscular teenage boy wearing a black track suit; his expression one of shock. Next to him, a bespectacled and freckled boy with unruly dirty blond hair; his expression a mix of curiosity at the corpse, and horrified recognition. A teenage girl, with short blue hair; her face seemingly impassive, but with a distant sadness in her odd, red eyes. A purple haired woman in a red jacket...she is the only one openly weeping.

I don't see my father there. Could he even be bothered to leave NERV headquarters if heard that his own son had killed himself? A part of me...feels sure he wouldn't bat an eye at the news...the only words spoken, a cold order to find my replacement.

But there is...one more in this imaginary crowd of onlookers. A beautiful, red haired teenage girl, clearly foreign...and just as clearly, not the least bit saddened by the scene in front of her.

Indeed, she is trying and failing to hold back scornful laughter.

Then she turns to look at me. Not the bloody mass on the ground...but the real me...

"What are you waiting for, stupid Shinji? Go on. Take that step. You really want to make me happy? This is the best thing you can do. There's nothing else of value you can offer me." Her vicious grin widens. "So just end your worthless life. Give me something to laugh about. A reason to smile when I think about you, Shinji..."

No.

'I won't!'

I feel my face contorting into a snarl of rage.

'I won't give you the satisfaction!'

And I bend my legs at the knees, so that I can climb back down onto the roof, out of harm's way.

'I'll go on living. If necessary, just to spite you, Asuka!'

And...I think of Misato...I don't know how upset she'd be, really, but...she cares about me more than anyone else ever has, so...if it would make her unhappy in any way...

'I don't want to take that chance that it would. I don't know if it's just me being arrogant...or too much of a coward to take the plunge and just making excuses to back out...but I don't want to take the chance.'

The realization of what I nearly did begins to hit me. As wave after wave of misery, shame, and confusion rages through my mind, I sit down, my back against the ledge, burying my face in my knees and clutching furiously at my hair.

So lost in turmoil am I, that I fail to see the man approaching me.

\-------------------------------------


	11. Upon The Threshold (pt.2) 10/15/2015 (1:11 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Kaji POV is so far the longest segment of the story...over 8000 (almost 9000 I think!) words. But it is one of the most pivotal moments as well, so I’d say the length is perhaps quite warranted.

•1:11 AM

I breathe a sigh of relief. Shinji only bent his legs so he could climb down from the ledge, so at least the immediate danger has been averted. But still, I know that a bigger problem lies ahead.

After climbing down, he sits on the roof, his back against the ledge, curling up into a ball, clutching desperately at his hair.

'What happened to make him so distraught?'

I frown slightly.

'He was alone with Asuka tonight...'

From when I first noticed his distress, I kinda figured it might have something to do with her. It wouldn't be unlike her to do or say something that hurt him...but could she really have driven him to this?

"Hey there, Shinji," I say as I close the last of the distance between us.

He looks up. "Oh," he replies, looking up at me, slightly startled. "Hi Kaji. When did you get here?"

"You didn't see me carrying Katsuragi when you ran past us?"

Shinji looks a little surprised. "No, I-..." he pauses. "Carrying her? Is Misato okay?"

"She's fine. She just drank a little too much."

Shinji buries his face in his hands. "Im sorry. I should've stopped and helped."

I sit down next to him. "Hey don't worry about it. Asuka was helping her into the apartment when I left to follow you."

His face twists into a snarl at the mention of Asuka's name.

'Yup...called it. It's definitely something to do with her then', I think to myself.

"So, Shinji," I say, deciding to get to the point. "Wanna tell me what happened?"

Shinji shakes his head and hugs his knees tighter.

"Well, let me take a wild guess anyway. I'm thinking that you and Asuka had a fight. Am I correct?"

He turns and looks at me, his expression utterly miserable. Slowly, he nods. "Is it that obvious?"

I smile wryly and respond, "I just put two and two together is all."

He turns away, and hugs his knees even tighter.

'I've never seen him look so small and defeated. What could she have done or said to upset him like this?'

I know they have a rocky relationship at best, but generally he just takes her behavior in stride. Got to give the boy credit, really. She can be pretty difficult sometimes, and flat out vicious when she wants to be.

But not until today have I seen him truly beside himself because of her. Whatever happened must have been awful.

I suppose it's wrong of me to automatically assume that Asuka is the one at fault, but given that Shinji is generally too friendly and passive to do anything to anger her intentionally...well, it seems most likely that Shinji said or did something that may have inadvertently angered her, though clearly to a more violent or venomous extent than usual.

'But, I know I mustn't jump to conclusions. Time for some answers.'

"Shinji, I'd like you to tell me what happened tonight," I say in a tone friendly enough to be coaxing, but firm enough to indicate that I won't back down either.

After all, I want to make sure that if Asuka DID get especially vicious with him, that HE himself did nothing to deserve it.

Shinji, his shoulders slumping defeatedly, seems to know that I will not simply let the question go. Nevertheless, it is with extreme reluctance that he begins to tell me everything.

"She asked if I wanted to kiss her. And...well...we kissed," he says in a barely audible voice.

That...catches me somewhat off guard.

I mean, I know they like eachother...and it was kind of my intention to steer Asuka in his direction, but still...I had almost given up hope after hearing from Katsuragi how much they would argue all the time.

"You did?!" I exclaim. "Well that's a good thing isn't it?"

"I thought so too, at first," Shinji replies bitterly.

"Oh? Something went wrong?" Shinji hesitates for a moment, before nodding.

"Well, why don't you tell me about it. I'm sure it's nothing that can't be worked out."

"She said it was a mistake, and she screamed that she hated me."

'Oh...uh...well...ouch', I think to myself. Well, it's not too surprising. That damned ego of hers is standing in her way, as usual.

"She said kissing me was disgusting..."

'Yeesh Asuka, way to let the guy down easy.'

Well, that was certainly harsh of her...though, I suspect that she might have said something even more sinister for him to be this hurt.

'Still, best thing to do right now is try to calm him down. Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding that he's gotten overly worked up about, and maybe with some damage control, things can be patched up.'

"Well Shinji, you should know that women don't always mean everything they say," I tell him bracingly. "Sometimes, pride gets in the way of what someone really feels, and Asuka...well, she's always been a proud girl. She may come around eventually, just give it some time."

"She doesn't! You're wrong Kaji" Shinji's voice sounds more angry than I'd ever heard him before. He turns to me, and I find myself unnerved by the slightly crazed look in his normally placid face.

'Well, that tactic backfired spectacularly...nice going Ryoji.'

His entire body is trembling with rage and his tone begins to rise ominously with every word. "She'll never 'come around'! I even told her how I felt about her, thinking maybe if she heard me say it, she'd stop saying all the awful things she said. A part of me...even hoped that she'd take it all back...if I just manned up and told her the truth...but it just made things worse! Honestly, after the things she said, I'll bet you anything, that if she knew I was up here right now, and what I was nearly about to do, she'd either laugh at me and tell me to get it over with...or maybe she'd even push me off herself!"

"Shinji...," I try to say, but Shinji cuts me off.

"Just...don't! Don't try to tell me that she'd never do that! You weren't there! You don't know what she said to me!"

Calming down slightly, the boy says, "Asuka told me that she only wanted to kiss me because she was bored. And because she was curious about kissing. You wouldn't let her kiss you, so she said that 'anyone would do', and that I was just here at the right time."

'She wouldn't really...I mean, she might SAY something like that...but surely she wouldn't really mean...'

For the first time, I begin to wonder about Asuka's seeming interest in Shinji. Could it really be that she's that obsessed with me? To the extent that she'd use a boy with an obvious crush on her to either attempt to make me jealous...or worse...

"She did seem to enjoy the kiss for a moment, though. So, I told her I didn't believe it when she said she hated it. Then...she told me the truth. She only enjoyed it because...she imagined that...I was you...Kaji."

'...Oh...oh good lord, Asuka...you really said THAT to the poor kid?'

At this point, part of me begins to wonder how much truth there is in Asuka's words. Maybe she was just trying to keep up her facade...but I do sometimes fear that her feelings for me are, disturbingly, very genuine, despite my hope that she'd eventually grow out of the infatuation.

Is it possible that making him some kind of substitute for her to vicariously imagine as 'me' was the only reason for her interest in him all along; since he was both passive and very obviously smitten, and therefore, less likely to question his 'good' fortune if Asuka inexplicably began showing 'interest' in him?

'Well, that IS more or less the 'or worse' scenario you were considering a possibility...'

But...WOULD she really go as far as trying to use Shinji that way just because she can't have me...then reject him out of fear when he starts showing signs of genuinely liking her...or in a perverse attack of conscience? I'm not sure I really believe that Asuka would do such a thing.

Goodness knows, she CAN frequently be very cruel and callous to the feelings of others, though this...whatever the hell happened tonight...seems excessive...even for her.

Whether or not it's true, though...it seems to be what she wants him to believe...

'And I can certainly see now why he's hurting so much.'

Sadly, that this has hit him so hard also seems to confirm the hope I had that Shinji's feelings for her were probably more than just those of teenage lust and hormones.

'I think he really cares about her...or would've grown to truly care given the time and chance...but now...'

Now, I find myself...unsure of what to say next.

Thankfully, it is Shinji who breaks the ice. "I'm sorry. I know you're her guardian, or...at least...you were at one time." The boy hangs his head. "I understand if you don't believe me. I'm sure she was always nice around you."

I laugh internally at that, remembering how at first, Asuka had liked me no better than the other guardians she had scared off before.

'Still, he is right to think I'd take what he says with a grain of salt.'

After all, I hadn't ruled out the possibility that Shinji had tried to do something unseemly to Asuka, and had deserved the brutal rebuke he'd received from her, and that he might be telling a sob story to cover himself.

But looking at him now, I feel certain he's telling the truth. Still, I'll need to talk to Asuka about this. I won't be too surprised if she tries to tell me that Shinji DID do something perverse that made her react the way she did.

But if she's lying...I'll know.

So, for now, I elect to trust in Shinji's honesty. "No, I believe you Shinji."

"Oh...okay. Th-thanks."

Awkward silence falls yet again. This time, I break it. "Shinji."

He looks over at me. "Hmm?"

"I'm glad you choose not to jump. And," I give him an encouraging smile, "I'm proud of you for having made that decision by yourself, without my help."

Shinji looks away and with a bitter sigh, he responds, "It's nothing to be proud of, really. I just...couldn't give Asuka the satisfaction of knowing I'd killed myself over her. And also," his expression softens, "I'm not sure, but I thought that...maybe...it might make Misato sad if I...went through with it."

'Sad...that's probably a fair understatement, Shinji,' I think to myself, having noticed Katsuragi's attachment to the boy quite early on.

Out loud, I say, "You'd have broken her heart. You should have seen her after you ran past. If she had been able to run, she'd have beaten me here."

The boy looks deeply ashamed at that. "I guess I really am an idiot huh?"

"Only if you really believe that taking your own life is the only way to overcome your pain," I answer, turning to face him. "Killing yourself may end the pain...but what then? You can never be happy again either, never again see the ones you love, and you'll never be able find out if there was another way...a better way to overcome your suffering. That's it...there's no going back."

_Profound, Ryoji...most profound indeed...coming from YOU of all people..._

Shinji lowers his head, seeming to lose himself in thought. Then, without looking up, he says, "I guess...I know that jumping off the roof isn't the answer. But...I don't...really know what the right answer is either." He raises his head up, looking despondent. "I'm not really sure of what I should do."

"Well, ultimately, no one can decide your path for you Shinji," I reply. "But if you're lost, Katsuragi and I may be able to help you along the way." I rub the back of my neck, suddenly uncomfortable. "Well, Katsuragi more than myself. I'll be pretty busy for the foreseeable future, but I'll still take what time I do have to lend an ear if you need one."

Shinji smiles weakly. "Thanks Kaji."

"Hey, what are friends for?" I say jovially. "Anyway, Shinji, I can tell you from experience that rejection hurts, especially when the girl is cruel about it. But don't let being rejected prevent you from reaching out again to someone else. Or even to Asuka herself, if she comes round someday."

Shinji looks at me incredulously. And honestly, given what he's told me about what Asuka said to him, I can understand his feelings on that.

'Hell, even I'm not quite sure what to think.'

Still...

"I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. But...maybe someday...well, eh...you never know... people can surprise you sometimes...," I finish rather lamely.

In truth? I very nearly began to explain Asuka's past.

'I want him to know...want him to understand...but...I can't.'

It wouldn't be right; it would be unfair to Asuka to divulge her past without her knowledge or consent.

'Not to mention, probably make things even worse...if her actions were caused by a fear of Shinji seeing the truth behind her façade...'

Shinji's face hardens. "The only thing I want to do involving Asuka is to tell her how much I hate her," he replies angrily, practically spitting the words out.

No, I can't blame him for feeling that way. Still...

"Take my word for it, Shinji...as angry as you may be at her right now, telling her that you hate her would be a terrible mistake."

"Why?" Shinji asks sharply. "After all she said to me, she deserves it! And unlike her, I won't pretend for even a second that I didn't mean it!"

"Simple," I answer. "She was wrong to have said that, and, because I've known her for as long as I have, I'm certain she didn't really mean it. And also, saying the same to her in return wouldn't be right, because you'd only be saying it to hurt her."

"I don't care!" Shinji cries vehemently. "Maybe...maybe I want her to hurt too! I want her to feel a little bit of what she made me feel!"

I sigh, sadly. "I know Shinji. I do understand. But, still...it'd be wrong. Even moreso, because I think that if you did say it...you'd be lying."

Shinji looks like he's about to argue, then pauses. "Well," he says, "maybe you're right. But I hate it! The fact that I DON'T really hate her. After everything she said, why can't I just hate her like a normal person would?!"

"Hate is a terrible thing, Shinji," I say with a small smile. "Hate isn't merely dislike or anger, and it's not something that comes easily to a gentle soul like yours. Real hate is contempt, malice; a genuine desire to hurt or to kill, or to see someone in pain or dead. And despite everything Asuka may have said, I don't think she really hates you either."

Shinji bows his head again. "Well, I still don't want anything to do with her anymore."

Though it saddens me to hear it, I don't blame him one bit for his bitterness. "And that's okay, Shinji. After what happened, no one would blame you for feeling that way. I'll just say this...keep an open mind...bearing in mind that I know Asuka better than anyone else...but of course, that's your call in the end. You don't owe Asuka an ounce of forgiveness if you don't feel she's earned it."

Shinji remains silent for a moment. Then, "It's weird though."

"What is, Shinji?"

"Well...", he pauses, looking unsure of how to word his thoughts. "It's just...I'm angry at Asuka, and a part of me knows she was wrong to do what she did...but..."

His voice drops to a whisper. "I almost feel like it's what I should have expected from the start...for being stupid enough to believe she'd actually want to kiss me. And all the terrible things she said to me...they're all true. She's right about me. So, why am I so angry at her for saying things that I know are true?"

I give him a slightly stern look. "Nothing about the anger you're feeling is unjustified Shinji. What she said and did to you tonight was terrible...and you have every right to be angry about it. I'd honestly be more worried if you weren't upset with her right now. And," I soften my expression somewhat, "you really ought not think so little of yourself that you allow yourself to believe whatever insults Asuka threw at you."

"But...but...y-you don't understand Kaji." Shinji wraps himself up again, hiding his face in his knees. "Asuka didn't need to say any of that. I've always known it...I've always felt that way. And I still do..."

'You'd be surprised to know just how much I DO understand the way you feel...I was there once, after all...'

_Was?! Ha! You still are now..._

"I expect that there are quite a few people who would disagree with you there."

"Only because they don't know me well enough to know better. I'm weak, and a coward, and a pervert. If they knew the real me, they'd all hate me the way I hate myself...even you would."

'My god, you really are just like her...what a shame it had to turn out like this...'

"Well, the way you think of yourself is ultimately your own call, Shinji...but as for what others think of you...don't you think you ought to let them decide all that for themselves?"

Shinji looks up, eyes skeptical...but also faintly hopeful as well.

I go on, "I can't speak for everyone else of course, but I can tell you what I think."

The boy says nothing, but looks at me with rapt attention, waiting for me to go on.

"I think, despite what you say about yourself, that you're a brave young man who is quite capable, but also unsure of himself. You have a good heart, but while you're aware that you have flaws, you tend to judge yourself too harshly for them. You care for people other than yourself, even though you're afraid of having to fight to protect them. Being scared to death to fight in a war doesn't make you a coward...and, in a similar vein, a deep aversion to conflict and violence doesn't mean that you're weak...and as for the the third epithet you gave yourself, merely being aware of and acknowledging your primal desires for what they are, as long as they are not acted on, does not make you a pervert."

'Although,' I think to myself, 'I'd REALLY suggest you refrain from trying to kiss a girl while she's sleeping in the future...'

Shinji seems to chew on these words for a moment, before answering, "Is that...really what you think, Kaji?"

"That is really what I think," I state solemnly. "And," placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, I go on, "I don't THINK, I KNOW that you are better than you think you are. You may not realize it, but shouldering the burden you do of protecting humanity in this war, even if you don't do it happily or without complaint, is incredibly brave. Katsuragi has told me how much you hate it, and that at least part of the reason you do it at all is just to earn your father's approval...but regardless, the fact that you continue to fight is an achievement all on it's own. And whatever your reasons for fighting are, I've seen how you look out for the others in battle, and more than once, you've put yourself in harm's way to protect them. Don't ever undervalue the bravery and strength of character it takes to look out for someone other than yourself, especially when you yourself are terrified and in mortal danger."

_...words you'd have done well to heed yourself when you were his age..._

At that unwelcome thought, I see...I see all of THEIR faces flash through my mind. All of their eyes are unfocused, mouths gaping open in final screams of agony and terror...their limp bodies contorted grotesquely, riddled with bloody holes.

'No! Don't think about that right now! Focus, Ryoji, focus!'

Shinji smiles for a moment...but it vanishes quickly, replaced by gloom once more.

"Piloting the Eva..." Shinji sounds bitter and tired, "the only thing that seems to give me any real value. It's the only reason anyone can stand to be around me, isn't it? After all, before Eva, nobody liked me. Not my father...not my guardian...and I was never able to make friends...until after I started piloting the stupid thing."

'Shinji...if only...if only you knew just how alike you two really are. If only SHE could see how much she is just like you...but sadly, that's not important now.'

"It's more than just the fact that you pilot Unit 01, Shinji, it's specifically that you protect and look out for others with it...and the fact that I believe you would still do the right thing by the people you care about most, even without Unit 01 to aid you. You couldn't fight Angels of course...but I believe that if anyone you cared for were in trouble, and you knew you could do something to save them, that you would do so. That kind of courage doesn't need a giant war machine to back it up. After all, Katsuragi told me about your first day on the job...your first act of heroism wasn't getting into the Eva...it was choosing not to let NERV force a girl who was already gravely injured to fight...and that was for someone you had only just met! I'd be deathly afraid to get between you and someone you'd been friends with for years if you're already willing to stick your neck out for someone you've just met!"

This time, Shinji's small smile doesn't fade away.

"And there's something else you should be proud of, on a more personal level, Shinji. The fact that you found the guts to tell someone how you felt about them, especially during a moment like the one you just endured...and considering how much you fear rejection from others...that shows a remarkable amount of courage on your part. Now, Asuka may have rejected you...but tonight, you won a great victory for yourself. Sure, that fear may not be gone, but the fact is, you beat it once...and while facing off against someone like Asuka too! And when the time is right, you now know you can best your fear again."

Shinji seems somewhat buoyed...though it's tempered by a weary sadness that makes him look older and more jaded than a 14 year old boy. "Kaji," he says after a drawn out silence, "I think I'm ready to go back now."

Smiling as I stand up, I offer him my hand, helping him to his feet. "Alright then, let's head back down."

We walk in silence down the steps until we reach the elevator at the other end.

"Kaji?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't...I don't...want to live with...with Asuka anymore." I nod, not surprised to hear him say this.

"I mean, I guess...I don't hate her. And...I'll still look out for her when we fight the Angels...but...I don't want to be near her, if I can help it."

"Yes," I respond heavily, "I agree perhaps it might be best to separate you at this point. Tell you what, I'll crash here tonight just to make sure there aren't any more problems, and I'll have a talk with Katsuragi and Asuka tomorrow. We'll work something out."

Shinji nods, falling silent again.

The elevator door opens, and we step out, making our way back to the apartment. The front door is open, and, standing in the doorway, head poking out curiously as we approach, is none other than Pen Pen, the hot springs penguin. The strange bird looks up at me as we step inside, then turns back to Shinji looking curious...and unless my eyes are deceiving me, concerned.

Shinji, looking slightly nonplussed by the penguin's odd behavior, turns to look quizzically at me.

"I think Pen Pen was worried about you too."

Smiling a little, Shinji turns back to Pen Pen. "It's okay. I'll be alright now." Pen Pen nods his head and seems to relax slightly. And with that, the penguin waddles back to his freezer, closing the door behind him.

Shinji smiles fondly at the penguin's freezer, then turns to leave the room. "Thanks Kaji," he says quietly. "Good night."

"Good night, Shinji." A moment later, I hear the door to his room close.

After a few minutes, as quietly as I can, I make my way towards the other bedrooms. First, I check on Katsuragi. There she lies, fast asleep, snoring inelegantly.

Occasionally, she stirs fretfully, and I can almost hear a word forming between snores. "Sh...*snore* -ji". Smiling gently, I whisper, "It's okay, Katsuragi, I brought him back. He's okay now."

Almost as if she heard me, she seems to relax. When after several minutes, she shows no sign of distress, I turn away, and carefully close the door.

I then make my way over to the bedroom of the apartment's final occupant. Quietly opening the door, I see Asuka lying on the bed, facing towards the door, her head buried into a pillow, and clutching it for dear life.

Deciding that she is most likely asleep, I begin to leave. But as I turn, I see her stirring. Raising her head, she sees me standing in the doorway. By the light filtering in through the window next to her bed, I can see that her face is drawn with misery; blotchy and tear stained. She must have been crying for awhile.

"K-Kaji," she chokes out. "I...I..." I raise my hand to quiet her. I jerk my head towards the hallway, and she quickly rises to her feet.

Leading her back to the kitchen, I point her to the table. Sitting down, she puts her face in her hands. I take a seat across from her, and wait for her to speak.

After several minutes, Asuka speaks, her voice muffled from behind her palms. "So, you found Shinji?" The question is worded neutrally, but I can hear more than a hint of concern in her voice.

I answer, "Yes. Thankfully, he didn't go very far."

Asuka lowers her hands. Her eyes are red and puffy, and her cheeks are still slightly wet. It occurs to me that it's been years since I'd last seen Asuka cry. In all the years I've known her, I've only ever seen her cry once before.

On the one hand, it instinctually saddens me to see her so distraught, but on the other...after what she said and did to Shinji...honestly I'm relieved to see that it's impacting her this much. It's rather comforting in a twisted sort of way.

"So...then...", she begins, sounding like she's deeply dreading the answer, "where...uh...d-did you find him?" she asks.

I hesitate for a moment, wondering how much I should tell her.

"That's not important right now," I tell her, deciding not to mention finding Shinji standing on the concrete ledge atop the roof.

I can see that Asuka isn't the least be comforted by that answer...despite that, she doesn't pursue the question further, opting for a different one instead.

"How much...how much of what happened...d-did Shinji tell you?"

I frown, narrowing my eyes. "He told me most of it, I think. He may have skipped over some of the smaller details." I lean back, folding my arms. "That's where you come in. I want a full explanation on what was said and done here tonight. Start to finish. And Asuka..."

In my words, tone, and expression, I convey a stern warning. "Don't even think about lying to me."

In the past, I've told Asuka, truthfully, that in my line of work as NERV's Special Inspector, I routinely deal with people who lie more easily than they breathe. Since then, Asuka has usually refrained from lying to me, but right now, I need to be sure she understands the gravity of this situation.

She replies with a shaky nod, and after a brief silence, she begins to tell me everything.

To my more than slight surprise, there is no attempt on her part to paint Shinji as being solely at fault. No talk of him being a pervert or trying to force anything on her. And by the time she finishes speaking and goes silent, every detail of her explanation fits with what Shinji told me earlier.

Though...despite my warning not to lie, it would seem to me that Asuka may not have been entirely truthful about her reason for goading Shinji into being kissed.

According to her, she was curious about what kissing was like, and was intending to use Shinji as a substitute for me, trying to imagine me in his place, since I have continuously refused her.

But something about the way she can't look me in the eye...well, it could just be embarrassment or guilt, but...between the uncharacteristically, if unintentionally, open concern for Shinji's well-being, the genuine shame and remorse for her treatment of him, and the fact that she has made no attempt to redirect the blame to the boy...well...at the very least, she's certainly more fond of him than she's willing to admit.

But, sadly, it would fit in with her nature to go out of her way to shut him out and push him away if she started to like him.

I know, because at first, Asuka did the same to me. But I saw through her facade from the start, and made every effort to empathize with her. And because of that, I was the only guardian besides Katsuragi she wasn't able to frighten off within the first six months.

When I refused to abandon her and simply leave her to be someone else's problem, she gradually opened up to me and showed that she really could be a kind person if you earned her trust.

'Unfortunately, that probably also led to her being infatuated with me several years later.'

But, returning to the problem at hand...

"I'm guessing you're probably furious with me Kaji." Asuka looks down at the table, her face hidden by her hair.

I sigh heavily, as I answer, "You're not wrong to think that. But even more than that, I'm disappointed...very disappointed in you Asuka. If what you say is true...you used Shinji, knowing he had a crush on you, without considering or caring how it might affect him."

'While I don't necessarily believe that it's true, it's what Asuka wants both Shinji and I to believe, and she seems unwilling to change her stance, even when confronted with my disapproval. And given how much she goes out of her way to avoid angering or disappointing me, for hold fast to a story that would invite both anger and disappointment from me...'

"I never promised him anything or even said that I liked him!" Some of Asuka's typical anger is beginning to surface. "All I said was 'let's kiss to kill time'. It's his fault if he took it too seriously!"

Calming down slightly, she adds, "It's not like I don't regret hurting him as badly as I did. But, damn it, I told him the truth, and he didn't like it or want to hear it! Still, I guess...I could have been nicer. It's not like I really hate him, but still...I just...I didn't know how else to get it through that idiot's thick skull!"

Asuka still refuses to look me in the eye when she says any of this. Part of me wonders if I should call her out on what she's holding back and trying so hard to deny.

But, the sadder and wiser part of me knows that it would be futile, and likely more harmful than helpful.

'She would likely deepen her denial even further out of the sheer terror of having to confront a truth she is blatantly uncomfortable with. And forcing her to confront that truth before she is ready would serve no purpose but to make it even harder to acknowledge, driving her to deeper and more harmful behavior to avoid or deny the revelation.'

No, this is something Asuka needs to decide for herself, when she is ready to accept it. Though, I acknowledge sadly, that day may never come. But there's nothing I can do to help her with that without just making everything worse.

'Of course, even if she did admit her feelings now, there's still Shinji's current attitude to consider.'

Shinji is, understandably angry and deeply hurt, and would possibly reject her even if she came to him with open arms and full disclosure.

It wouldn't even surprise me at all if she has completely ruined any chance of reconciliation with him. He doesn't hate her, but I know he meant it when he said he wants to be separated.

On that note...

All things considered, I really do think it's best that they do live apart from now on. They don't need the stress of having to deal with eachother at home on top of the stress of being child soldiers. So much is already at stake for them...and for all of us...and they're forced to carry the literal weight of the world on their backs until this damned war is over.

Maybe they'll miss eachother, but it can't be worse than what they're feeling now.

I still think...

'Ah, but it's not worth the strain it's going to put on them when they have so many other things to worry about.'

And, to be honest, maybe I'm wrong...I just don't know. And maybe my hopes for them were just my selfish need to divert Asuka's attention elsewhere.

Anyway...

"No one is saying you should have lied and pretended to be interested in him to spare his feelings. Indeed, doing so would be even more damaging. You weren't wrong to turn him away, Asuka. But you were wrong to exploit his feelings for you, knowing that you intended, ultimately, to throw him away if he couldn't fill the role you wanted him to, or when you no longer found him amusing enough."

I straighten up, my frown becoming a glare. "To take advantage of someone that way is deplorable, Asuka. I don't know if you considered that before this happened, but now, I trust, you understand what I mean. To be honest, I actually DO hope that temporarily forgot that Shinji was a human with feelings and emotions as acute and fragile as your own, and that you DID only think of him as some kind of object only there for your amusement when you chose to go through with this. While it would essentially be dehumanizing Shinji, it would constitute more of a lapse in judgment and a moment of insensitivity on your part, rather than genuine malice. But if you did this KNOWING it would hurt him, and simply did not care...then what you did, to put it lightly, would be an extremely base act of cruelty."

Asuka looks genuinely horror struck at this suggestion. "I-I just...I didn't think it through! I didn't think it would hurt him like this! I mean..."

Asuka expression changes to one of deep shame. "I knew he liked me. But I figured it was just because he was drooling over me just like any other stupid boy our age. I figured kissing him wouldn't be anything to him but some cheap thrill without strings attached that he could brag about to his idiot friends afterward."

Her expression hardens as she continues, "I considered the possibility that he might try to take it further than that and attempt to have his way with me, of course. But, with my combat training, I knew I'd have no trouble fending him off or incapacitating him if it came to that. And in any case, I was sure Shinji would never do anything like that to begin with, and he didn't, thankfully, even though I didn't rule out the possibility. But..."

Asuka sighs heavily, looking weary, "I didn't expect the idiot to fall for me. Maybe it was cruel to tell him the truth, that I was thinking of you during the kiss to keep myself from being sick, and to have ripped into him afterwards. But damn it, I was just being honest! Don't you see? I was only being cruel so that he wouldn't get the wrong idea. I needed to get it through his head that he had no chance of taking your place in my heart, and...it's not...like I was...lying...when...I said I imagined I was kissing you instead of him."

She tries to look directly at me, but still, her eyes are unable to meet mine directly. "You said it yourself, Kaji! It would've been cruel to mislead him! I made a mistake at first, I admit. But when I realized what I did, I tried to fix it and level with him."

Her voice begins to rise hysterically, not with anger...but with fear. "It's not my fault! Damn it, it's not my fault the idiot couldn't handle the fucking truth!"

'I wonder...how much of her distress is from the strain of lying to me while at the same time fearing that I will turn my back on her for her misdeeds...and how much of it is guilt at what she's done to the boy who's only crime was to finally admit how he felt towards her?'

"I'm sorry it made him want to run off to God knows where...but I just...I didn't...I wasn't prepared to...I know I could have done better and been nicer, but...I just...he needed to understand that he could never have me! He could never be what you are to me."

She promptly stands up, and with enough force to nearly knock me out of the chair, throws her arms around me. "Oh Kaji", she wails into my shoulder, "please don't hate me for this! I swear, I'm sorry I hurt him that badly! Just please...just don't...don't be angry! I know I did a bad thing, but please...don't leave me. I'd die without you, Kaji...I-I love you...please, don't be angry anymore...I know...I kn-know I'm horrible, b-but don't hate me...p-please don't leave like Papa did..."

Anything else she is saying dissolves into an indecipherable mess as she sobs uncontrollably into my shirt. Despite knowing I should still be reprimanding her, I just can't bring myself to stay visibly angry at this moment.

'Not that my anger has abated of course. As much as I care for Asuka, I'm not about to let her off the hook for this...'

Still...

Whatever Asuka's faults may be, whatever harm she might have caused tonight...I can never forget that she's the same injured and frightened little girl I met all those years ago; her mother dead, and beforehand, too insane to recognize her own daughter after a failed experiment, until she killed herself, her hanging corpse discovered by none other than Asuka herself...her bastard father, a womanizer who chose his mistress over his four year old daughter, sending her away to be someone else's problem...that woman, who was supposed to be her mother's caretaker, and was too busy fucking Mr. Langely in the next room, not even out of earshot...her extended family, except for her maternal grandmother, who died a year after her daughter hanged herself, too busy and too estranged to care about the little girl...

After a moment I give in, hugging her back. For awhile, nothing is said, as I let her pour out her grief into my shirt.

She had once told me about her promise not to cry ever again...one she had made at her mother's gravesite. I had learned of that on the day she broke her promise for the first time.

And it's at this moment that I think back to the last time I saw her cry before earlier tonight...

'That was back when Asuka was still training. There was a particularly tricky battle simulator scenario she had to pass, and despite her immense enthusiasm...or perhaps because of it...she was catastrophically sloppy, and kept failing it repeatedly. After a three days of her simulator performance getting worse with each try, the director of NERV-03, always a rather abrasive man, had at last lost his patience.'

While his furious tirade about her performance was not entirely inaccurate...he seemed to have forgotten somewhere along the line that he was talking to a ten year old girl, as he had apparently graduated from berating her performance to more personal attacks...calling her 'spoiled' and 'useless' amongst other things, and culminating in a open threat to have her replaced...

And concluded by saying that a doll would be more useful...

I had witnessed the tail end of that exchange...something I regretted at the time, though in the long run, might have been better for everyone involved. When Asuka ran off, I was too busy chasing her to express my...displeasure...with the director.

Asuka had finally stopped running when she reached one of the stairwells. Hiding herself in the space under the steps, I might not have found her so quickly if she hadn't started to cry then.

She hadn't been very happy to see me when I found her; this was back when Asuka hadn't yet trusted me...though she had been warming up for the last month or so.

But, ignoring her hostility and defensiveness, I had spoken to her then much the same way I had spoken to Shinji earlier; no pity...I knew it would only alienate Asuka further...just understanding.

It had also helped that the day in particular had been December 4, 2011...she hadn't expected cake or a gift and I think the surprise was a welcome distraction.

Things were different after that day...I can only assume it was because she realized I saw her as more than just a component to power a war machine.

But, despite my telling her that she didn't have to keep that promise never to cry, she made me swear never to tell anyone and never to bring it up again. Knowing I could not refuse, I agreed...and she never cried again. At least...not when she was awake.

Until tonight...

'No one knows better than me how much pride was standing in the way of such a display. I know this isn't just a ploy just to get herself out of trouble.'

After a while she releases me, smiling tiredly. "Thank you, Kaji."

Asuka returns to her chair, wrapping her arms around herself. "For not...for not abandoning me. I know I don't deserve it right now, but...it means a lot that you're still here..."

I smile internally at the earnestness of her tone. "I've looked out for you this long. I don't plan to back out just yet."

And I promptly feel a wave of disgust at these words.

_Up until you saw Shinji on that ledge...and witnessing this little outpouring...your promise to keep looking out for her would've largely been a lie!_

When I arrived here in Tokyo 3, I had originally intended to put gradual distance between Asuka and myself, devoting myself entirely to my mission(s), knowing that I would likely be dead before the year's end.

I told myself it was for the best. Best for me, so I could fulfill the purpose that has allowed me to live with myself all these years, without the fear of leaving behind the few loved ones I have.

Best for those who care for me in turn, not to have me at the forefront of their lives. My eventual death would only weigh them down otherwise.

But now...I look now at the broken and confused teenager sitting across from me, and I feel sickened.

'I abandoned those I loved before...and I would do the same thing to those who love me now...'

Sure, I'm not betraying them to be hunted down and killed...at least, I would hope not...but how could I ever have thought this would be easy or fair for Asuka?

'The one person who stuck with her when no one else would decides to go throw his life away because he himself can't live with his mistakes?'

I know that I must atone for my sins in the past...but have I chosen the wrong path? Has my true path to redemption...my right to continue living, even when I deserve nothing but to die painfully and alone...been right there in front of me for eight years?

'Or is this my second chance? Was the first chance the one I threw away mere months before meeting Asuka?'

I lied of course, when I told Katsuragi that I didn't know she had lied about finding someone else.

I knew she hadn't, but I pretended otherwise. I was weak, and I let her push me aside. Because, I myself was too afraid of what was happening to me...I doubted my feelings...and I let my lifelong obsession be my justification for leaving behind the first good thing to enter my life since Second Impact.

And because of that, eight years...eight years I could have spent with the woman I love have passed by, while I threw myself into the gears of the machinery that controls this world, to discover truths that may ultimately not save or benefit anyone in the end, all the while, setting myself up to be buried in an unmarked grave at the end of the road.

What am I doing?

What have I been doing?

What have I done?

'Asuka...if only you knew. You'd hate me...and rightly so.'

Asuka's voice brings me back to myself. "So...what happens now?" she asks, her expression uncharacteristically nervous and unsure. "I don't know what to do. I guess...I should probably..."

She turns to look in the direction of his room, and she begins to rise from her chair...then stops, slumping back down.

'Probably for the best that she doesn't talk to him right now anyway', I think to myself. 'Now is not the time.'

"Well, I guess it would be wrong of me not to ask...", Asuka says after a long silence. "How is he? Is he gonna be okay?"

I decide to frank with my response to that. "He's deeply hurt by what you've done."

"What am I suppose to do? I mean...I guess I could apologize but..."

"Eventually yes, you should. Though, I wouldn't recommend it right this minute, since he's sleeping...and also very angry. I doubt he'd been willing to hear you out at-"

"It's fine," Asuka cuts me off. A small, sad smile on her face, she continues, "I think...maybe it's better that way. The truth is...what good would apologizing do? I can't...do anything but hurt him. That's how it's been since the day I arrived here. I've used him as an emotional, and sometimes, literal punching bag from day one."

She speaks nonchalantly, but I can hear the self-disgust behind the calmness. "Why? He's an easy target. He always was. And I've resented him from the moment you told me how well he was able to synchronize with Unit 01 in his very first battle. His very existence here at NERV..." her expression darkens, "Is an insult to my credibility."

I see her hands clenching tightly into fists as the calm is deplaced by her signature frustration.

She continues, "Here he is, just some dumb kid they yanked off the street...granted, he is the Commander's son, but still...untrained, untested, and not in any way the type of person who should be fighting a war. Hell! He even admits that he hates having to pilot the Eva! And yet, here I am, the trained professional, the elite pilot...and not only does stupid Shinji have one more solo kill than me, but he had to save me after I got mine! I've trained my whole fucking life for this, Kaji! And this...dummkopf...keeps making me look like a goddamn amateur! It's bad enough that I already have to compete with Wondergirl...but some stupid clod they just threw into Unit 01 too? Ugh, it's infuriating! And the worst part is...I can't hate him for any of this!"

She struggles to calm herself down, breathing heavily. "I want to hate him. Gott, do I want to hate him for daring to take away what should be mine. But...I know he doesn't mean to do it. I know he'd be fine with me being the best. He's not trying to compete with me or make me look bad. And to make matters worse, he's a genuinely good person. He cares about Wondergirl, and you, and Misato, and, I guess until a little while ago, even me. How can I hate someone like that? I can't. I want to, but I can't."

She laughs mirthlessly, "I guess maybe if he hates me now, then at least he'll be better off. And I will be too. I've let him be a distraction for too long now. If he washes his hands of me, then I can do the same. And maybe then, I can surpass him, and prove once and for all that I am truly the best."

I can't help but wonder if she really does believe a word of what she just said. Well, I can at least believe that she resents Shinji's apparent natural talent with the Eva. After the hellish training she endured to get to the same place Shinji is in by nothing more than 'luck', it does make sense that she'd be frustrated by him. All the more reason to seperate them now before things can get uglier.

"Shinji doesn't hate you," I tell her firmly. "He's angry, yes, but not to the point of hatred."

"Well then, he's an idiot," Asuka says, the sad, resigned smile so uncharacteristic of her having returned once more.

"That said, however," I continue, "I think it best that you two be separated, starting tomorrow if possible."

"Yeah, I agree," says Asuka. Though she tries to look relieved, she really just seems more forlorn than ever. "In any case, once Misato hears about this, she'll probably want my head on a plate."

I don't bother trying to deny that, given that it's largely true. "Well, if Shinji stays here, then-"

"I could see about moving in with Hikari," Asuka interrupts. "It might be nice actually, living with her. Though her bitchy sister is going to want to know why I ditched her worthless friend at the amusement park. Eh, I never liked Kodama anyway, I'll just tune her out or something. At least Nozomi is tolerable though..."

And she goes on like that for awhile, listing the advantages of living with Miss Horaki rather than here. I suppose she thinks she's trying to convince me, even though I've been on board with idea since the moment she suggested it.

It's obvious to me though, who she's really trying to convince...

Eventually, the conversation ends, and I send her back to her room.

And as I make my way to the couch and lie down upon it, I think over all that has happened tonight...and about the path in life I have chosen...

'Even if I want to escape the lonely, unmarked grave in the distance...could I?'

\-------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there was Kaji being the cool big bro he only ever hinted at being in canon...and what Shinji probably needed more than either of them realized.
> 
> That said...we’re not anywhere near through the wilderness and emotional mire yet. But Kaji’s words and encouragement have done more to salvage things than can be expressed in words.


	12. Upon The Threshold (pt.3) 10/15/2015 (3:28 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this Asuka POV, we end Chapter 4.

•3:28 AM

I'm not sure how long it's been since I crawled back into bed...how long I've been lying here, tired beyond belief...but unable to sleep.

It's deadly quiet in the apartment. The last sound I heard was Kaji opening Shinji's door, presumably to check on him before going to sleep on the couch.

I assume everything was okay with him, since Kaji closed the door and walked at a calm pace back to the living room.

Shinji...

I wonder if he's really asleep right now. Or did he hear everything of my conversation with Kaji? I just don't know.

If he is awake...

_Go..._

I know Kaji said this was the wrong time to speak to Shinji...but I can't...

_There might still be a chance..._

I just can't lie here in bed, doing nothing, not even able to sleep. I have to do something...even if Shinji is too angry to listen, I have to try...

_Go now...this can't wait anymore...it's now or never..._

I need to tell him...everything...before I lose my resolve.

_To hell with what Kaji said, now is the time!_

As silently as I can, I climb out of bed, and walk towards the door, step-

'You're insane'

By step-

'Don't do this to yourself'

By step-

'He'll turn you away'

By step-

'Or have you forgotten...'

I open the door-

'I imagined that you were Kaji...'

And step into the hall-

'Anyone else would do...'

I look from side to side-

'I don't love you and I never will...'

And move towards Shinji's door-

'You stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male...'

Reach for the handle-

'I HATE YOU!'

And open the door.

The room is exceptionally dark due to the lack of windows, and with a pang, I remember that this was once a storage closet.

I'm certain that Misato would have forced me to give back his room if he had pressed the issue...but he didn't...

I thought at the time...that it was just because he was too much of a wimp to fight back...

Given what he said earlier tonight...

'...I like you...'

Could it have been more than that?

_There'll be time to ponder that later...now focus!_

After a few moments, my eyes better adjust to the dark, and I can just see his figure on the bed, silent and unresponsive. As I approach closer, each step feeling like a walk on thin, cracked ice, I hear his breathing...slow and even.

So, he is asleep...

And he appears to be undisturbed by my entrance. For a moment, I do nothing. I simply stare down at him.

Now what? Do I wake him?

_That's kind of the idea..._

He's...sleeping so peacefully now...

As I stand there looking down, I think back to a September morning, just over a month past...

The night before, I had gone to the bathroom in a haze of fatigue...and disappointment.

I had...kinda, sorta extended an invitation to Shinji to join me in my room...several hours prior. That whole 'wall of Jericho' thing...

And he had utterly ignored it...although it did occur to me later that as a Japanese boy, he might be completely unfamiliar with the Old Testament story of Jericho.

But at that time, it had hurt...more than I thought it would...I don't even know why I attempted it in the first place...or what I'd have done if he'd accepted the invite.

Maybe I just wanted to test him to see if he'd work up the courage...but he didn't...

All I know is that I spent about an hour on my hands and knees with my head resting against the door...praying that it would open.

But it never did.

I went to lie down...but the lonely silence was overwhelming.

I did eventually start to drift off...but then I had to use the bathroom. And by the time I was heading back to bed, I was so tired I couldn't see straight, and I fell into the first bed I saw.

The weird thing was, I had immediately started dreaming that I had fallen into Shinji's bed instead of mine.

He of course, completely froze for a moment, seemingly terrified. But then, an odd glazed look had come over him, and he had started to move his face closer to mine...as if about to kiss me...I, for my part, was not as...disgusted...as I should have been...

But then, the dream had abruptly changed...

I was running down an unnaturally clean, dull white hallway that seemed far larger than it should have been...or maybe I was just smaller and shorter in my dream...

The bitter odor of antiseptics had filled my nostrils...a grim complement to the soullessly cold fluorescent lighting overhead, and the hollow silence of the early morning.

A clock on the wall rushed by...

12:03 AM...though out of the corner of my eye, I saw the number change.

I was shouting at the top of my lungs, my voice much higher pitched than normal...joyously proclaiming my acceptance into the Eva program.

'Now she'll look at me! She devoted her life to Eva Unit 02! Telling her that I am to be the pilot will surely make her proud! Even if she still just thinks I'm just 'that girl', surely she will at least smile at me, the soon-to-be pilot of her masterpiece! That alone would be more than I could ever ask for...'

"Mama! Mama, they chose me! I'm an elite pilot, now! I'm the best in the whole world! I must keep this a secret, but I'll only tell you mama! Everybody's so nice to me now, I  
don't feel lonely anymore! I'm okay now, even without papa! Look  
at me! Look at me, mama! Look mama-"

The door that I had been running towards had opened...

But something was strange...wrong...

The bed was empty...

But upon looking upward, I realized that room wasn't empty...

...

For a moment, I didn't understand...

The ghost of my last smile hadn't quite died from my lips, even as my eyes began to comprehend...

A motionless figure, not lying horizontally upon the bed...but hovering vertically above it...

A horrid spectre...

Eerily silent and unmoving...

The face was almost concealed behind a cloud of unkempt hair...

But not enough to conceal...

The eyes...unfocused, lifeless...

And the mouth...

That terrible mouth...

Curled into a ghastly, haggard grin...

And...without even moving its sightless, yet horribly bulging eyes to look at me, it spoke...

Whispering, almost lovingly...

"Asuka..."

The voice was soft...

"Asuka..."

The stiffened lips, the only part of the hanging figure that showed life, just barely parted to form the words...

"...die with me..."

...yet it's voice had filled the room, reverberating off the walls...turning into a hellish chorus...growing in volume...

"-iewithmediewithmediewithdiewithmediewimediemediewimeDIEWITHMEASUKAASUKASUKA-"

"Mama?..."

The corpse remained horribly, unnaturally immobile even as it's jaw slowly sagged open to unleash a gale of mirthless laughter...

Looking down, I saw something clutched in it's hands.

A doll...that doll she thinks is me.

As always, the doll smiled blandly at me, despite being gripped in a stranglehold by the clawlike fingers of the motionless, cackling spectre above me...

But...something...seemed different about the doll's face this time.

Slowly, I took a closer look...

And felt a scream of horror uncoiling itself inside my chest...as I stared down at my own face protruding from between the encircling hands...

Suddenly it had become hard to breathe, as...something...began to encircle my neck and-

I had woke with a start, breathing heavily, my face drenched in...sweat?

...or something else...my eyes had felt itchy and sore, as if...

My heart still racing from the grisly scene I had witnessed, I looked around frantically, fearing that with every turn of my head...that...THING...would be dangling before my eyes...staring balefully at nothing...it's near motionless lips whispering it's terrible, loving invitations...it's icy grip reaching out to encircle my throat...

But, my eyes revealed only Misato's apartment. However, there was something..off...when I examined my surroundings properly.

And then it had hit me...

I was in Shinji's bed.

Meanwhile, Shinji was fast asleep...in my bed.

I was about to wake him and angrily demand to know what kind of perverted trick he had pulled, when it occurred to me that in my tired daze, I hadn't really bothered to pay attention to which bed I fell into.

My musings were temporarily interrupted when Misato ordered me to wake up Shinji, who, in violation of our synchronization training had not awakened at even close to the same time as me.

I had moved immediately to comply with Misato's order, but as I looked down, I stopped in my tracks, pondering...

I smile softly in the darkness of Shinji's room at the memory...

I had taken a moment that morning to just watch him sleep. He looked so...peaceful.

Always a gentle soul...and so timid...

While awake, the boy was either a nervous wreck, or gloomily moping about. It was rare to see him truly happy. Or at least, it was rare for me.

Though I would never admit it to him, I always felt a little flicker of warmth inside when I saw him looking genuinely happy, even if it was from a distance. That smile of his...

In his sleep, he had looked...well, not happy, necessarily...but contented, and at peace...

Sadly, I had to break that peace eventually...

I was genuinely disappointed to have to ruin that moment. After all...it was...safe...to be near him when he slept...

Upon his awakening, Shinji seemed even more nervous around me than usual.

The reason for that was revealed later, after we had defeated the Seventh Angel, Israfel.

While furiously berating him for clumsily landing his Eva on top of Unit 02 in way that looked...embarrassing...to say the least...I had, based on my dream the night before, half-jokingly accused him of trying to kiss me while I slept.

The idiot promptly gave away that he had indeed tried to kiss me in my sleep.

Naturally, I was furious! Despite frequently calling him a pervert, I was surprised and disgusted that he had actually come so close to doing something like that.

Though...I was even more disturbed when he revealed that he had heard me muttering about Mama in my sleep...

I denied it, of course, praying that he'd drop the matter.

Thankfully, he did.

I didn't speak to him for almost a week after that day. Though...even now, I'm not sure if it was more because of him trying to kiss me, or because...I didn't want him to start...asking questions...

But, on one particular evening, he made a surprisingly competent effort at a German-style dinner, and apologized profusely for what had happened.

Recognizing the effort he'd gone to, I decided to...not forgive him exactly...but at least put the matter behind us.

Even so the part of me that felt that oh so unwelcome desire for him had been silenced for a time...at least until the day that I nearly died fighting the Eighth Angel.

After Sandalphon had, in its last defiant breath, severed the cables/coolant lines that held me aloft within the lava. Shinji had reached into the magma of Mount Asuma, his Eva completely unprotected, to save me and Unit 02 from falling into a certain death.

_Which brings us back to why we're standing here right now..._

I return from my ruminations, to find myself standing exactly where I was before the flood of memories overtook me.

I wonder how long I've just been standing here, staring down at Shinji, immobile, unable to reach out my hand to wake him, having no idea of what to say.

What do you say, when you've-

Shinji begins to stir, and I turn to flee. I don't look back for fear that if I do, I'll see his eyes...those gentle blue eyes...wide with pain, fear, and confusion, or worse...narrowed with hatred and fury.

I flop down on the bed, disgusted with my cowardice, but relieved that Shinji didn't follow or shout after me.

Still, sleep eludes me, and even though I feel more exhausted than I ever have in my life, the terrible things I said circle through my mind in a haze like an awful mantra...and swimming before my eyes, an image that will likely haunt for a long time to come...Shinji's expression just before he turned and ran away; as broken and lifeless as a candle that has not only been snuffed out, but swatted to the floor, snapped in half and forgotten, left to disconsolately roll away away out of sight...forever...

And I remember how innocent and untroubled he had looked while sleeping back then...

If he can have a moment of peace like that now...after what happened...

After what I did...

Maybe...

Maybe...I owe him that much

_But I know you! If you wait, you'll lose your nerve...and then you'll go back to the way you always are...and then he'll never know..._

Maybe that's better, ultimately.

'Don't fight it Asuka...this is how it's always been. This is how it will always be. It's better this way. For him as well. You'll always be alone in the end...so don't fight it anymore...'

Even if I did apologize...the next time I hurt him this way, it'll just be that much worse. Better just to walk away now, and never look back...and let him hate me, so that nothing I can or could do will hurt him again.


	13. Repeat & Regret 10/15/2015 (5:52 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankly, Chapter 5 is my least favorite of all the material I’ve written thus far. But I’ve gone too far into the story to just tear it out and retcon the whole thing...and besides, I don’t hate ALL of it. 
> 
> Anyways, let’s get started. The sooner we begin, the sooner we get through this chapter and onto the MUCH better chapters that follow this.

_ "There's no one to take my blame _   
_ If they wanted to _   
_ There's nothing to keep me sane _   
_ And it's all the same to you _

_ There's nowhere to set my aim _   
_ So I'm everywhere _   
_ Never come near me again _   
_ Do you really think I need you? _

_ I'll never be open again _   
_ I could never be open again _   
_ I'll never be open again _   
_ I could never be open again _

_ I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend _   
_ I'll never be open again _   
_ I'll have no more dreams to defend _   
_ I'll never be open again” _

 

https://youtu.be/rNbFhLDBbhQ

 

-" **Space-Dye Vest** " by Dream Theater

 

** Chapter 5-Repeat & Regret **

•5:52 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

With a gasp, I awaken, my eyes snapping open in the dimly lit living room of Katsuragi's apartment. Sitting up shakily, I think back to the dream...the nightmare...

Like nearly all the visions that haunt my sleep, it was about the Second Impact...and the days that followed. It's usually me finding the dead bodies of my brother and our friends...but from time to time, such as just now, I'll dream instead of the days that followed... and what I had to do to surv-

'Not now,' I think to myself with a shudder. 'Please...not now. I have more important things to worry about...'

After shaking my head to clear it, I turn to look at the clock on the VCR, and see that the time is 5:53 AM; a little more than two hours since I last fell asleep after being awakened the first time...when I heard Asuka sneak out of her room...and into Shinji's.

As silently as possible, I had crept off the couch, and hidden myself at the far end of the hallway, listening intently. It had actually surprised me somewhat that Asuka was going against my advice not to talk to Shinji in his current state.

But, I chose not to interfere...unless it became necessary; so rather than stop her, I kept watch, and listened closely. While she was in there, I couldn't hear any movement from within and neither of them spoke a word, but after about five minutes, Asuka had burst out of Shinji's room, and ran back to her own.

A moment later, I walked over to Shinji's room to try to gauge what had happened in there. But when I poked my head in, all I saw was Shinji, fast asleep, seemingly undisturbed by Asuka's entry.

Thankful that Asuka had not been foolish enough to wake him, I turned and closed the door, returning to my bed upon the couch.

My guess was that the guilt was really chewing her up inside, making her unable to sleep. Then, she worked up the courage to attempt an apology...only to falter when she reached Shinji's room.

On the one hand, I'd have welcomed being proven wrong. On the other...perhaps it's best that Asuka lost her nerve.

I'm broken out of my reverie, however, by the sound of someone approaching. The footsteps are very light, and give a distinct impression of wanting to avoid detection. There's little doubt in my mind as to who it is...and sure enough, Asuka emerges into the living room, fully clothed in her school uniform and carrying her bag.

She turns and looks at me for a moment before seeming to decide that I'm still asleep. But as she turns to leave, I softly call out her name.

"Asuka."

Stopping dead in her tracks, her shoulders slumping, she turns to face me again, this time making eye contact. "Good morning Kaji," she drones, looking distinctly annoyed. "Did I wake you?"

I smile, as I remind her, "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."

"Well, I'm sorry I woke you." Though in truth, Asuka sounds more aggravated than repentant. "I'm leaving now anyway."

'Yes,' I say to myself, 'it would seem that you are...but where?' Out loud, I say, "Okay, I'll walk you out."

A moment later, I close the front door behind us, and turn to face her. If I had hoped that by offering to walk with her, I could both raise her spirits a little and prompt her without asking to tell me exactly where she's planning to go at this time of day, I was sadly mistaken. Taking one look at her glowering expression, I realize that she is not at all happy with my being here.

She maintains her stony silence until I ask her, "Aren't you leaving a little early for school?"

"Yeah, so?" she replies curtly, folding her arms.

"So..." I keep my voice level, but harden my tone and expression just a hair; enough to curb any more stonewalling from her. "I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early."

Asuka throws out her arms, now visibly angry as well as harried. "I'm going to Hikari's," she cries exasperatedly. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all!" She glares at me, agitatedly tossing her hair. "Can I go now?"

Truthfully, I kind of figured it might be that. Still...given her current state, naturally I'd want to be sure. After all, I stayed here tonight to protect her as much as I did to protect Shinji...if not moreso...

"Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?" I suggest, still feeling a bit leery of letting her wander off.

Sighing with irritation, Asuka rolls her eyes. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?" And Asuka turns to leave.

Surprised by her hostility and defiance, I nonetheless refuse to give in, and let her walk away.

While I'm sure that she's probably just eager to avoid Katsuragi and Shinji...and that her agitation is due to not being able to conceal how much she needs the comfort of her best friend right now...I'd still much rather have Ms. Horaki come to her.

"Asuka, wait," I call out to her, and taking a few steps after her, manage to catch her shoulder with my hand.

I can tell you truthfully, If any one else tried doing that...especially anyone male...they'd be in for a very painful arm bar...or worse...before they could even blink. I've seen it happen too...it's not pretty. And when she turns around to face me, her furious expression makes me wonder if my own immunity has been seriously compromised.

But even faced with Asuka's wrath, my concern for her is no less genuine... and this sentiment must have shown through...for Asuka's demeanor visibly softens when she looks my in the eye, the anger melting away even as I begin to brace myself for it.

"Asuka." I speak softly. "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."

For a moment, she looks ready to argue, but I can tell she's giving in. Still, she looks nervously behind my back.

"I'm sure they're both still asleep," I reassure her. "Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."

With a sigh of defeat, Asuka nods. "Alright then, if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully, Hikari won't mind coming here."

"I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."

"True. Still...I've never asked her to walk with me though." Asuka looks sadly thoughtful at these words. "She's asked me before...but I always turned her down. She always went to school too early for my taste. The first time, she actually came here in person. Misato ended having to tell her that I was still sleeping and not about to wake up early."

She turns away and starts to walk towards the elevator.

"I guess I'd kind of deserve it if she said 'no'," she says more to herself than to me.

"Ms. Horaki is a nice girl. I'm sure that if she said 'no', it'd be for a good reason, not just because you've always said 'no'."

"Maybe..." Asuka replies skeptically.

'I think you underestimate your friend, Asuka.' I think to myself. 'I think Ms. Horaki will know just by the sound of your voice how much you need a friend right now.'

\-------------------------------------


	14. Repeat & Regret (pt.2) 10/15/2015 (7:32 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's Misato...waking up to a killer hangover :/
> 
> I owe my fellow fanfic writer Strypgia a huge thank you for this part! I was stuck on one part, and he helped me finish it. Indeed, none of this story would have been possible without his guidance and advice.
> 
> Thank you good sir!

•7:32 AM

I open my eyes and OH GOD, THE PAIN!

GAH! SOMEBODY TURN THAT FUCKING LIGHT OUT!

Oh wait...that's the early morning sun filtering into my room. Not much anyone can do about that.

Oh...oh...my head...how much did I drink?

'Well, lets see...there was the-'

I try to remember all the rounds I threw back...

'Oh...oh shit...'

Big mistake...

I leap out of bed as my stomach begins to clench ominously, a heaving sensation beginning to work its way upward.

'Bucket! Need a bucket! Gonna fucking hurl all over everything unless I get a trash can, sink, toilet, bathtub, laundry basket. Empty or not, it doesn't matter at this point!'

I just manage to hold it back, but nonetheless, I feel an unpleasant burning at the roof of my mouth.

'Oh god, can't hold it back much longer...'

Now, for the love of Buddha, where the hell is the-

Ah, yes! Bathroom!

Bathroom, come to mama!

Mama needs you, bathroom!

Bursting through the bathroom door like TNT, I frantically scan the room until...

There you are, my love! Come to mama!

And I hug that toilet like it's my bestest best friend in the whole world...and just like any good bestest best friend would do after their idiot friend drank too much, my bestest best friend the toilet lets me puke all over it...and not necessarily into it.

HUAGH!!!!

'Ahhh, much better. Now what was that other thing I was worried ab-uh-uh oh goddammit!'

HUAGH!!!!

'Okay, now my aim is getting better at least. Now where was I?'

Oh yeah...

HUAGH!!!!

'Geez, seriously, I don't think I ate THAT much. Where the hell is all this coming fro-'

Hold that thought...

HUAGH!!!!

"M-M-Misato," a familiar voice next to me says, sounding worried, "are you okay?"

"Ugh, fanfuckingtastic," I respond dryly, without turning around.

"Here, let me hold your hair out of the way," says Shinji nervously.

"Thanks, but I think I'm- uh-"

HUAGH!!!!

"Uhh, uhh, done now. At least I hope," I mutter bitterly.

Shinji puts a comforting hand on my back. "Here, uh, let me help you up. I'll get you some coffee."

Grateful for the help, I turn to smile at him. "Thanks Shinji, but just give me a minute to get my bearings and-"

Wait.

"Shinji?"

Wanting to be sure I'm not just imagining things, I turn all the way around, directly facing the boy...

"SHINJI!"

And promptly seize him in a tight hug!  
"YOUREHEREYOUREOKAYIWASOWORRIEDANDWHERETHEHELLDIDYOUGODONTEVERRUNOFFLIKETHATAGAINYOUIDIOT..."

While I babble at the top of my lungs, and tighten my grip on him even more, he struggles to free himself.

"M-Msst! Cnt brth!"

Looking down, I see that I've buried the poor kid's face rather deep into my chest.

"Oops, heh heh. Sorry Shinji."

"Gah hah hah, it's hah okay hah hah Misato," he replies through gasping breaths.

"It's just...I'm just glad that you're okay," I say, smiling as I pull him into another, more gentle hug.

But, as I soon as I pull back, I give him my sternest expression. "Now Shinji, I might be glad to see that you're alright, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook, mister! Now I want to know wh- ugh, shit! Hold on-"

I turn back to the toilet.

HUAGH!!!!

"Hey, Katsuragi!" a familiar voice calls out cheerily. "How goes it?" Footsteps far heavier than Shinji's thump closer from the entry hall.

HUAGH!!!!

I decorate the bowl with yet another donation. Damn it! Why does he have to be here at a time like this? I carefully crane my head around, keeping my face near the bowl, but manage to move far enough to shoot a squint-eyed glare at the tall man in the doorway. The bastard looks awake and clear-eyed, and even found time to change into fresh clothes. "Kaji! What the hell are you still doing here? God, what time is it? What did you crash here or someth- ugh- ugh- oh fuck m-"

HUAGH!!!!

Once more, I pour out the, apparently rather vast, contents of my stomach into the toilet, while he steps closer, gathering my hair in his hand. It's hardly the first time he's seen me like this, or held my hair, though it's been years. I try not to show how much I've missed the feeling of his fingers brushing my neck.

"Might want to settle down a little Katsuragi. The way you're going, you're likely to bring your stomach or liver up on the next one," he says in that annoyingly chipper voice of his. "Shinji," he turns to the boy, and while his tone doesn't change, he gives Shinji a pointed look, "why don't you run along. Get a nice early start for your walk to school."

"Oh...okay," he responds, getting to his feet. Shinji shuffles awkwardly around us in the crowded bathroom and squeezes out past Kaji.

I can hear Shinji rattling around in the kitchen and gathering his lunch and bag to leave. "Now you just hold on a second there Shinji," I begin, not wanting to drop the subject, but Kaji gives me a look. I shift my glare to him, brushing his hand away from my neck and starting to stand up.

He blocks me from leaving the bathroom. "Let him go Katsuragi," he says firmly. "We'll talk when you're feeling up to it." He's careful not to raise his voice. I search his face. He's serious about this, for whatever reason.

Still reluctant to let Shinji go gallivanting off to school without an explanation, I try to argue, but Shinji has already gathered up his things and is well on his way to the front door. Though, before leaving, he calls back, "uh Kaji, where's-"

"She already left," Kaji responds.

"Oh...I see," comes the reply from the living room. There's tension in his tone, and Kaji's. And it's obvious that they're talking about Asuka.

I hear Shinji speak briefly to Pen Pen, followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing, and with his departure, a certain heaviness seems to fill the room. I immediately turn to face Kaji. "Okay, now it's just us. Tell me, what the hell is going on here! And no bullshit, Kaji."

But all of cheeriness Kaji had displayed earlier is gone now, and he looks surprisingly grave.

"Let's go to the table."

I nod, feeling a sense of mounting dread.

'Just how bad could this be?'

He leads me to the kitchen, sitting us both down at the table. And, after a brief silence, he begins to speak...

\-------------------------------------


	15. Repeat & Regret (pt.3) 10/15/2015 (5:56 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is also a bit of a throwaway...not least because it's more than half the first segment from Asuka's POV instead of Kaji's. But, nevertheless, necessary to advance the plot, so here you are.

•5:56 AM

My alarm isn't set to go off for more than hour, but I just can't wait that long. For over two hours, since I ran out of Shinji's room, I've been trying to sleep. But even though I'm exhausted, I just...can't.

‘Well, to hell with it then!’

Throwing off my blankets, I rise to my feet and start to get dressed in my school uniform. I don't have to be there until 8:30, but...I just need to get away.

Maybe I'll walk to Hikari's house and then walk to school with her. That should work out time wise.

All I know is, I don't want to face Misato or Shinji when they wake up.

As I put on my socks and shoes, I wonder how I'm going to explain my early arrival at Hikari's house. She'll probably be innocently curious as to why I'm there, but...if I lie about it...well, Hikari is actually good at reading people...except, of course for Jock Stooge, and seeing that he likes her.

But anyway, Hikari's going to press me if she thinks I'm lying. I know it's just because she'll be worried, but...I don't think I can stomach telling her everything. And...what will she think of me...if I do tell her...or if she finds out?

'Don't think about that right now, just focus on getting away from here, and clearing your mind.'

Several minutes later, fully dressed, I walk to my door, and as quietly as I can, I walk out into the hallway. The whole apartment is silent and still, no sounds of life, save for my soft footsteps on the carpet.

My heart is banging against my chest, the terror of possibly waking anyone and having to face them right now filling every limb with the jangle of adrenaline.

At last, I've made it to the living room. I look over at the lump under a blanket on the couch, hoping I haven't roused him either.

I tiptoe my way towards the kitchen, but just as I reach the threshold...

"Asuka?"

The voice is deep and male, so thankfully it isn't Shinji or Misato, but still...I turn around to see Kaji sitting up on the couch.

"Good morning Kaji," I say dully. "Did I wake you?" Kaji smiles slightly. "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."

It was true; when I lived with him, anytime I went to wake him up for something...he would always already be awake. Always...it was weird, like he never slept.

Of course...after he told me a bit of his past during the aftermath of Second Impact...

"Well, I'm sorry I woke you. I'm leaving now anyway." And I turn to leave.

"Okay, I'll walk you out," he says, rising to his feet. He follows me outside, and after closing the door behind him, turns to face me.

Should've figured he'd want to talk with me before I left. Well, no getting out of it now, I guess.

"Aren't you leaving a little early for school?" he asks. His tone is pleasant, but his eyes are fixed on me with a sharp intensity.

"Yeah, so?" I shoot back, making it clear to him I do NOT want to talk right now.

"So...I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early." His tone, while still pleasant, brooks no argument.

"I'm going to Hikari's," I reply with some exasperation. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all." I throw my hair back impatiently, glaring at Kaji. "Can I go now?"

Kaji folds his arms, leaning back against the wall, his eyes narrowed with skepticism. "Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?"

I sigh with frustration. Apparently Kaji isn't getting the simple fact that I don't want to be here right now. Or he's choosing to ignore it. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?"

And I turn to leave, walking towards the elevator.

"Asuka, wait." Kaji pushes away from the wall in time to put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I would have melted at the touch of his hand. But now, I have only the desire to throw it off and run as far away as possible. But when I look back and see his face, something stops me.

Kaji looks...worried. Is it possible that's the whole reason he's trying to stop me?

"Asuka," he says in a quiet voice, "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come to here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."

For a moment, I want to argue back...

But what would I say? Truthfully, it does make more sense for Hikari to stop here, since it's essentially on her way to school. But...I'm less worried about the inconvenience than I am about...the possibility that Shinji or Misato could come out here right now...

And I'm not ready for that. I don't know that I ever will be either...

Noticing the way I keep glancing over his shoulder at the apartment door, Kaji smiles reassuringly and says, "I'm sure they're both still asleep. Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."

With that, I decide that I no longer have a reason to argue with him, and sigh heavily in resignation. "Alright then if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully Hikari won't mind coming here."

Kaji looks greatly relieved at this. Smiling he says, "I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."

Several minutes, and one cellphone call later, Kaji and I sit outside the building waiting for Hikari to arrive, enjoying the wonderfully cool and pleasant early morning; the oppressive heat and humidity of Japan's permenant summer still several hours away.

Not for the first time, I find myself wishing that the Angels had chosen to attack Berlin instead of Tokyo 3. Not that I really wish the destruction of this war on my own country, but still...the knowledge that Japan will never see another autumn makes me homesick when I realize that back in Germany, the leaves will be just starting to change color, the weather becoming more and more pleasantly mild as the countdown to winter commences. And more than that, I miss my native language, the familiar foods, the sounds, smells, sights, and culture of my homeland.

And what's more, if the Angels had come to Germany, maybe I wouldn't be so far behind Shinji and Wondergirl, having to struggle to keep up just to uphold my reputation. I'd probably have already racked up an enviable kill count, and wouldn't have needed help from anyone to do it...well, except for maybe the Seventh, Eighth, and Tenth Angels, but who knows; if I'd had a different commanding officer, maybe they'd have come up with strategies that didn't require more than one Eva to fight those Angels.

Though there is one thing, I admit, that I don't miss about home though...I never had friends back in Germany. Here, I at least have Hikari and...well, I HAD Shinji. For all my bullying of him, which at times involved teasing him, despite knowing perfectly well that he was attracted to me, the simple truth is...and I'm becoming more and more aware of it every passing minute...is that I genuinely trust him, I value his good nature, and I enjoy his company. And I threw all of that away last night. Now, I'm too ashamed to even face him.

I hang my head, staring down at my knees. I wonder if it would have been better for everyone if the Angels had chosen Berlin as their target, then I could have stayed there. And if everything had worked out properly, there might have been no need to send the First and Third Children over there.

Or they could have sent just one...I guess I could stomach having to work with Wondergirl at least. But Shinji...I clench my fists fretfully. It would have better if Shinji and I had never met eachother. Better for both of us...better for him.

Strange...why is it that I care so damn much about him when he's not around? The moment I get near him, all I can think about is how much he pisses me off. Well, soon it won't matter I guess. I'll only see Shinji at NERV and school after today, then hopefully, once I'm living with Hikari...well...if she's okay with it anyway...everything will go back to normal for me. Speaking of my new living arrangements...

I turn to look at Kaji, who himself seems to be lost in thought.

"I take it you're going to tell Misato everything today?", I ask.

With a jolt of surprise, Kaji snaps out his musings and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

Patiently, I repeat, "I asked if you were going to tell Misato...everything about what happened."

Kaji nods in agreement. "Yes."

"Any advice you can give me?" I ask, my tone vaguely joking, despite the seriousness of the question.

Kaji smiles wryly in response. "You weren't afraid to show me that you regretted what happened. Do the same with her."

"If she doesn't automatically rip my head off when I walk in the door after school," I say bitterly. "To make matters worse, she's always favored Shinji over me. I'd just best hope that she doesn't let her anger with me affect her professionally. I really don't fancy being sent on a suicide mission or used as Angel fodder."

"Now Asuka," Kaji reproaches, "Katsuragi would never do such a thing to you. She won't be happy about what's happened, but she'd NEVER throw you to the wolves out of spite, I assure you. And in any case, when I tell her, I'll make sure to talk down the worst of her anger." He smiles bracingly at me. "You have my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable."

"Hey, Asuka!" I turn to see Hikari walking up the street towards us.

"Hi Hikari," I respond, attempting a smile.

"Oh, hello Mr. Kaji," Hikari says turning to Kaji as she comes to a stop.

"Good morning Miss Horaki," Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," Hikari says with a small bow.

Hikari then turns to me. "So, are we ready to go?"

"Yeah, I'm all set," I tell her.

"Alright then. Bye Mr. Kaji."

I turn to Kaji. "See you later then. And Kaji..." I hesitate for a moment. "Thank you."

Kaji just smiles reassuringly in response before turning to leave.


	16. Repeat & Regret (pt.4) 10/15/2015 (6:38 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, this is the first chapter to be comprised of more than three segments (Chapter 5 is comprised of seven segments). 
> 
> After this, the chapters only get bigger. Chapter 6, 7, and 8 all have more than twice the number of segments (indeed Chapter 7 has THREE times the number of segments) and are each longer than all of the first four chapters combined together.

•6:38 AM

As I sat out here with Asuka, waiting for Miss Horaki to arrive, my thoughts had begun to wander over the events of the last fifteen hours...

And now, as I watch Asuka and her friend disappearing into the distance, the same train of thought begins to tug on my conscientiousness again.

It began at that silly wedding Katsuragi and I attended. Well, Ritsuko was there too, but...after the words Katsuragi and I shared on the walk home, I hardly even remembered her being there.

When we had walked home from the bar last night, for the first time in ten years, she had opened her heart to me. The first time since...ah, yes that week in September...

Stretching as I stand up, I make my way back to my apartment. I think a change of clothes and a shower are in order. And as I walk, my thoughts begin to sail ten years into the past...

Back then, for the two years Katsuragi and I spent together, both us just coasted on the high of being together, the thrill of making love, having someone to hold to stave off the crushing isolation we both felt in the wake of our losses.

After one particularly nasty fight in September of 2005, we made up by spending a week...a full week, holed up in Katsuragi's room. And we talked...she cried in my arms...in her lap, I confessed my sins...and when the walls between us began to crumble, we threw ourselves into the frenzied caldera...it was a week of paradoxes in unbridled pleasure...tenderness and ferocity...the time raced by, and yet it was a lifetime...we greedily drank of eachother, while we gave all we had to give of ourselves...

The memory of that week makes me pick up my pace. God, I REALLY need that shower now.

At last, I've reached my front door. Entering my apartment for the first time in almost a full day, I look around and realize...just how dismal the place is. Not uncomfortable or even ugly. Just...cold. Uninviting. I never noticed before...or maybe I just didn't care.

Stepping out of my clothes and into the shower, I once again...immerse myself...in memories...

'Ah...those seven and a half days...that was the climax of it all...'

No pun intended, of course.

But then, things had started to change. As we grew steadily closer, in the rising heat of our passions, our imperfections began to bubble to the surface, insecurities rearing their ugly heads.

And just like the climax of any story, even one that had come so early, it had been followed by a steady decline, until the ending of the story came to pass in June of 2007. After another fight that had dwarfed the one proceeding our week of paradise, we instead spent more than two weeks in cold silence.

Then...the silence was broken by Katsuragi asking me to meet her. I confess...part of me knew what was coming, and welcomed it...even as part of me dreaded it, and hoped against all logic that I was wrong.

On a day like that, it should have been raining. At least the sky should have been a morose iron grey, rather than bright, cheerful blue and speckled with clouds, with the sun shining down and with a cool breeze to dispel the oppressive heat of midday. But, life isn't like the movies...

We had stood outside the entrance of her dorm building, both of us silent for a time. Then the words had spilled forth from her mouth. Words full of empty venom...she had someone else, she had been seeing him for a year, and during our lovemaking, had thought of him the whole time so she could pretend to still be aroused, and she wasn't sorry in the least...she hated me, she couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, told me to crawl back to a girl she had once caught me looking at months ago, then threw a box containing everything I had ever given her at my feet, spilling the contents everywhere. 

"Take your shit, and get out of my life," were the last words that passed between us for the next eight years, as she turned and walked away.

Throughout that whole exchange, I spoke not a single word. I stood there, and like a rock against a maelstrom, withstood her wrath...knowing it was all bluster.

Shutting off the water, I step out of the shower and into a set of fresh clothes. While not dressing in my best, I do decide to put a little more effort into it than usual.

'Could I have called Katsuragi out on her lies?'

Naturally.

I had always been good at reading people, and knew she was lying. And I knew she was trying to hurt me as much as she could so that I wouldn't follow her. She needn't have bothered...when she dumped me, it saved me the trouble of having to ultimately do the same to her.

I was scared you see...we both were....of how close we were becoming to one another.

Not to mention...I had always been ashamed of what made me seek her out in the first place...

Despite how I later came to feel, my initial motives when I introduced myself to her were less than pure...but not in the way one would think.

One day, in early 2005, I had received a message from a fellow Second Impact conspiracy theorist I'd been in contact with, telling me that the sole survivor and witness of Second Impact was attending the same college as me.

Finding her had been easy, but winning her trust had been...rather easy as well. That was when I had first started to hate myself...even more than I already thought possible...for what I was doing.

While she did have quite a temper, and it wasn't overly difficult to set her off, she was...

Far from being the bitter, taciturn shell of a human being I had expected, she was lively, energetic, and had a capacity for a sweetness and affection that always seemed more genuine than that from other people.

She was very much a woman of extremes in that way, and in...others...

She rarely, if ever, seemed to hold back, or do things half way...

'I suppose that's one reason her leaving hurt so much...'

She had generally been so honest with me...for her to lie then...it hurt almost as much as her actual departure from my life.

Though, I suppose I should be grateful...it would have hurt me more if I had been the one who had to turn my back on her.

I shake my head as I examine myself in the mirror.

'Love 'conquers all', they say?'

Bullshit.

I loved her then as I love her now...and I still turned my back on her as much as she turned her's on me. Of course, I never knew if she even loved me back. I still don't...

But after last night...well, she was drunk when she said everything...but I know it came from the heart. And I feel that somethings changed in the way we see eachother.

'Well...I'll have to talk to her when she's sober to confirm it-'

But...

I shouldn't want this, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her. I never did. And now it's too late. I'm on a road of no return, and if I don't push her away, I may drag her down with me. And she deserves to live and be happy with someone...anyone else.

Like that guy who works on the bridge in Central Dogma....Hyuga, I think his name is.

But then I remember the night before...the feel of her mouth on mine, but even more; the sensation of holding her, trying to ease her pain and protect her from herself when she began to fall apart at the seams...

'Damn it! Damn me! Am I really so weak that I can't face my final days alone? If I really love her, I should leave her alone...'

Like I tried to leave Asuka? Phasing her out little by little, eventually to walk out of her life and leave her to the mercy of this war? I wonder...who was I really trying to protect when did that?

And now Shinji...granted, I was never very close with him...but, I know how much he's come to mean to Katsuragi. And when I saw his face after he climbed down from the ledge...well, he clearly needed someone to listen to him, and a vote of encouragement.

As someone who understands how it is to be viciously rejected by the one you love...even if the rejection hadn't been sincere...I feel the need to look out for him now.

He's stronger than he thinks he is...stronger certainly than I was at his age, but still...even if Katsuragi can be there for him...I want to be there too

And likewise...I want to be there for Asuka. She's a victim of herself just as much as Shinji is, if not more so.

I tried for so long to assure myself she was getting better, that time was healing her...

The events of the previous night have rudely awakened me to ugly truth of that empty hope. And after all that's happened, how can I turn my back on her?

Fully dressed and ready for the day, I depart for Katsuragi's.

'How can I turn my back on any of them now?'

\-------------------------------------


	17. Repeat & Regret (pt.5) 10/15/2015 (6:13 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have Hikari with her debut POV in this tale :)

•6:13 AM

* **ring ring ring** *

I put down the bento box I'm making, and dash over to the phone. "Hello?"

**"Hi Hikari"** , says the voice on the other end.

"Hi Asuka," I respond cheerily. "You're sure up early today. What's up?"

**"Oh...nothing really."**

I can tell at once that she's lying to me. Aside from the fact that Asuka is NEVER up this early, I also notice something in her tone.

**"Actually, I wanted to see if you'd be up to walking to school together this morning,"** Asuka continues.

Slightly taken aback by this odd request, I hesitate. Normally, Asuka walks to school with Shinji, or alone. I do walk home with her sometimes, but still...this is the first time she's asked to walk TO school with me; probably because I leave so early in the morning, and Asuka tends to leave at the last minute.

It makes me wonder if something is wrong. "Uh, well, sure Asuka. But..."

**"But what?"** The question sounds rather tense. Unsure of how to voice my concerns, I choose to wait until I meet up with her to ask any questions.

"Nothing," I answer quickly. "I just need to finish packing lunches for me and my sisters, and I'll be right over."

**"Okay."** Asuka sounds grateful...relieved almost. **"I'll see you soon then?"**

"Yeah," I tell her. "I'll be on my way out in about ten minutes."

**"Alright,"** she says, **"I'll see you when you get here. Bye."**

"Bye Asuka." And I put the phone back on the hook.

'That was strange.' I say to myself. Not only is Asuka up early, but...she asked, not practically demanded, but ASKED if I could walk to school with her. And what's more, she seemed genuinely grateful that I agreed. Almost like she was afraid I'd say 'no'. Well, I suppose I might get some answers when I see her.

Soon, I finish packing the lunches. Before placing them in the fridge, I label them 'Kodama' and 'Nozomi'. Then, turning around to grab my bag, I call out a hurried goodbye to Father and head for the door.

A short time later, I walk down the street, Asuka's apartment building looming closer and closer until, looking straight ahead, I see Asuka herself as well as Mr. Kaji sitting on a bench outside. They appear to be deep in conversation.

Given Asuka's feelings for him, I'd have expected her to look happier while having an intimate conversation with the 'man of her dreams' as she has so frequently referred to him. But I can see, even from here, that she looks deeply troubled, not to mention careworn.

Asuka normally goes out of her way to look clean and tidy, and is especially finicky about her hair; frequently she has refused to go out somewhere with me on the grounds that she has no time to fix her hair.

This morning, her red mane is completely disheveled, and looking closer, I see that she hasn't even put in her red barrettes. I frown slightly, and think to myself, 'Something must be wrong. This isn't like Asuka at all.'

And although I usually disapprove of eavesdropping, I decide to try to catch some of the words drifting their way towards me. But they're speaking in such low voices that I can't hear a word until I'm nearly on top of them.

"-ve my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable," the older man is saying in a reassuring voice.

So, it's probably an issue with her guardian, Miss Katsuragi. Deciding not to make my eavesdropping obvious, I call out to make my presence known. "Hey, Asuka!"

Asuka and Mr. Kaji turn to face me, Asuka rising to her feet. "Hi Hikari," she replies. She attempts a smile, but it looks forced.

Deciding to withhold my questions for later, I turn to greet Mr. Kaji as I come to a stop in front of them.

"Good morning Miss Horaki," Mr. Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," I respond with a bow. As I straighten up, I note that Mr. Kaji himself looks tired and troubled.

Turning back to Asuka, I ask, "So are we ready to go?"

"Yeah," she nods. "I'm all set."

"Alright," I say, smiling. And with that, we walk away side by side. "Bye Mr. Kaji," I call over my shoulder.

To my right, Asuka stops, and turns to look at Kaji.. "See you later then," she says to him. "And Kaji..." She pauses, seemingly unsure of how to word her thoughts. After a moment, she smiles; a sad smile, but genuine. "Thank you."

Kaji smiles back, before turning away to leave.

Proceeding forward, we walk in silence for awhile. Looking over at Asuka, I notice that far from walking with her usual straight-backed posture, head held high and tilted up so as to stare down her nose at anyone of equal or lesser height...her eyes are downcast and at times, she seems to be staring at the ground. Her shoulders are slumped, her head slightly bowed, and she seems to be clutching her books to her chest rather tightly.

Unable to withhold my curiosity any longer, I turn to my friend.

"Asuka?" I ask tentatively. "Are you okay?"

Asuka's head snaps up before turning to face me. "Huh? Whaaa? Uh, yeah, I'm...uh, fine Hikari. N-never better."

She flashes a big toothy smile about as convincing as a tabloid news headline.

"Asuka," I say in a voice firmer than I would normally use with her, "Come on. I can tell that something is going on here, and that whatever it is is eating you up inside."

Asuka recoils a little at my tone, but quickly counters, "It's nothing! Don't worry about it, Hikari."

Not to be deterred, I press on, "Asuka...you're not acting like yourself today. I mean, you're never up this early for one thing, you look like you haven't slept at all in the last twenty-four hours, and...it's kind of obvious that you haven't brushed your hair at-"

Asuka turns her alarmingly fierce glare towards me mid-sentence. "So what, you'd rather not have walked with me then?! Just because I look a little more scruffy than usual?!"

Horrified, I hurriedly cry out, "it's not like that Asuka! I'm just concerned is all." Asuka continues to frown, though her anger seems to be fading quickly.

"Asuka," I say gently, "you're my friend. It's normal for someone to worry when their friends are acting strangely. I really didn't mean any offense, and-"

"I know, I know," Asuka cuts across, sounding impatient. But her expression softens slightly, despite her tone. "I know you didn't mean to upset me. No one ever does, really. And yet..." She trails off, raising her arm in a one-armed shrug of exasperation.

But the jab seems directed at herself, judging by the mournful expression working its way across her face.

We walk in silence for several more minutes. All the while, I try to brainstorm a way to get Asuka to open up to me. Then I remember...

Her date last night! Maybe it went really badly. I mean...what I overheard her saying to Kaji doesn't seem to line up with that being the problem, but...at least if I broach the subject, maybe it'll lead to more revelations about what's bothering her.

"So, um," I begin tentatively, as Asuka turns to face me, "how was...how was your date with Yoshiaki?"

Asuka scowls. "Ugh. Let me answer that with another question. How tall would you say he is?"

"Uh," I frown at the strange question. "About 5' 7" I guess?"

"5' 7" huh? I didn't know you could stack shit that high," Asuka deadpans.

Well, that answers that I guess.

Part of me wants to giggle, and part of me wants to reproach her for her vulgarity.

I settle for mild disapproval. "Asuka, surely he wasn't that bad."

Asuka rolls her eyes, probably finding my 'prudishness' annoying. "He was a goddamn joke. Vain, shallow, pretentious...and," her scowl deepens, "he kinda creeped me out. It was weird. He tried to put up a front of being some sort of proper gentleman....while at the same time invading my personal space in a way that was clearly intentional, all the while trying to play it all off as accidental or just his 'natural awkwardness'. In other words," her eyes narrow dangerously, "I saw right though him. The way he kept...looking at me..."

Even in her indignation, I could swear that at one moment, Asuka had forcefully repressed a shudder.

I myself could not suppress the shiver I felt at her words. Toshiro Yoshiaki always seemed alright to me, though...now I think back...his interactions with Kodama...and sometimes myself...were fraught with 'uncomfortably awkward' moments where he had seemed to lack a sense of personal space.

Maybe it's just Asuka being paranoid. Honestly, she seems to have unreasonably high standards for boys.

But still...

'I'll have to watch Yoshiaki a little more closely next time Kodama has him over.'

Returning to the problem at hand though....

However unpleasant Asuka's date was, she doesn't seem to be willing to elaborate on how it's connected to her demeanor this morning.

Indeed, she's fallen silent once more, giving absolutely no indication that she has anything further to add. I know she doesn't want my help...or maybe she's just too proud to ask...but I can't just let her stew in her misery like this.

Though it seemed like Mr. Kaji had no trouble talking to her earlier...

Then it hits me. 'Kaji! Of course!'

It HAS to be something to do with him. Maybe he'd finally put his foot down and fully rejected her, the way he should have a long time ago. Not that I don't want Asuka to be happy, but I've always disapproved of Asuka seeking the affections of a thirty year old man.

I mostly kept that disapproval to myself out of respect, but I always told myself that if he did showed any signs of 'accepting' Asuka's advances...well, I certainly wouldn't have kept silent any longer. But, he never struck me as 'that' type, given that he always kept Asuka at arm's length, and seemed profoundly uncomfortable with her solicitations.

Still, he also never seemed willing to just tell her that it could never work between them, preferring to divert her attention, or casually brush her off. He probably hoped she'd get the point and just give up eventually...perhaps, at long last, he's stopped beating around the bush.

Still, if that's the case, I know Asuka must be hurting right now. I hope he wasn't too hard on her.

"Asuka?"

"Hmm?" Asuka looks up.

"Are you upset because of Mr. Kaji?"

Asuka looks confused for a minute...then she starts to laugh, an odd and slightly disturbing laugh; humorless yet somehow...not forced either.

"Um, Asuka?"

\-------------------------------------


	18. Repeat & Regret (pt.6) 10/15/2015 (6:55 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, at the meat of this chapter; this and the next segment, which is the same event from Shinji’s POV, are perhaps the parts of this story I am least proud of. 
> 
> But, as I said at the beginning of Chapter 5, it’s too interwoven to cut out or retcon. 
> 
> I hate to rag on my own work like this...but I really feel that this part of the story did NOT age well.
> 
> Well, at least this blasted chapter is over soon, and I can move on to the parts of the story I’m actually proud of.

•6:55 AM

I can't help but laugh at that question. It wasn't a stupid question of course, and given the circumstances between me and Kaji, Hikari isn't wrong to have assumed that my obvious distress is about him.

But, the irony is...that far from being the cause of my problems, Ryoji Kaji is the only reason I'm sane right now. Although...I'm not sure about the sane part...I should probably stop laughing for starters...

Calming myself, letting the laughter fade into a sigh, I turn to face a very unnerved Hikari. "Asuka? You're kinda...scaring me," she says timidly.

I smile bitterly. "Yeah, I know," I sigh. "But to answer your question..."

I hesitate, wondering how much I should tell her. Deciding to keep the info to a bare minimum, I continue, "It's not Kaji's fault that I'm kind of a mess right now. Actually, Kaji's been...really helpful."

Hikari looks slightly alarmed as she says, "Helpful? Um, helpful...how exactly?"

Knowing what Hikari might be thinking, I quickly clarify, "No, no, nothing like that Hikari. Kaji...Kaji would never...and, maybe...that's one reason why I wanted him so badly. Because I knew, even when he was denying me...especially when he was denying me...that he had my best interests in mind, because he'd never hurt me or use me like that. Which makes it all the more shameful that I threw myself at him for so long."

Hikari stares at me, eyes wide with shock, though with an undercurrent of relief as well. "Asuka...did I hear all that correctly? It...it...sounded to me...like you're-"

"Giving up on Kaji?" I finish for her. "Yes. And it's about time too."

Hikari looks comically flabbergasted, and I almost want to laugh again. But, with some effort, I maintain my composure.

After a few minutes, Hikari finds her tongue. "Well, I'm certainly glad you're doing the sensible thing here, but...what brought this about?"

I choose not to answer. Not because I don't want to give her a response, but because I can't think of what to say without revealing too much. "It's...complicated," is all I manage to come up with.

"Problems with Misato?" Hikari suggests.

I nearly trip over myself in surprise.

"I...um...sort of overheard a little bit of what you were saying as I walked up to you. It...sounded...like Misato was...uh...angry with you about something."

Just managing to keep a straight face, I try to reel in my racing thoughts, and bite down on my tongue, not wanting to release it until I'm sure of what to say.

"That's it, isn't it?" Hikari presses on.

"Uh...yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much what's going on," I say lamely, desperate to get Hikari off the subject.

'Though what good is that?' I think to myself balefully.

Soon enough, I'll probably have to tell her everything. If Misato is going to throw me out, and I'll bet anything that she will, I'll have to tell Hikari everything if I'm going to ask about moving in with her.

'And what if...' And my mind begins to work itself into a panic at this thought. 'What if Hikari turns her back on me? I know she's my friend and she hardly knows Shinji...but when she hears about what I did...what if she-'

She's always disapproved of how I've treated him, and she's told me I should be nicer to him. What will she think when she hears that I...

"So...can I ask what happened to upset her?" Hikari was asking.

Slowly coming back to reality, I manage to mumble, "Well, uh, we actually kinda fight a lot. It's not unusual. This time was worse than before though. I think she's considering throwing me out, actually."

"That bad?" Hikari looks shocked.

"Yeah."

The pigtailed girl gawks at me. "She can't...she wouldn't..."

"Ha!" I sneer at that. "Wouldn't she?"

I almost blurt aloud how she blatantly favors Shinji over me...how the idiot can do no wrong in her eyes, while I either get ignored or scolded for stepping even a little out of line. But doing so might reveal more than I want Hikari knowing right now...

"Well, if she does, it'll be very irresponsible of her," says Hikari indignantly. "I mean, she agreed to take you in in the first place didn't she? The least she can do is be committed to the task."

With a sympathetic look she adds, "If she does throw you out, you can come stay with me until things calm down."

I allow myself to smile at her offer, though not half as widely as I'd like to. Have to keep up my image after all, even now...especially now.

At last, we've reached the school building; squat, square and dull white, just like every other building outside the inner city and commercial districts.

The bland appearance is utterly befitting...never have I entered an educational facility so droll and devoid of mental stimulation. Out of everyone I've met here, Hikari is the only person I can think of who gives enough of a shit to take this place seriously.

I don't know how she does it, and in my opinion, her hard work and dedication are thoroughly wasted on this mental sludge factory, but...I guess someone has to care. If it weren't for her, I know...I don't think, I KNOW the whole fucking class would just walk out...with Jock Stooge leading the pack.

'Kind of ironic', I think to myself with a smirk, 'that she's fallen for HIM of all people.'

_But is it really?_

My eyes widen a little.

Is it really that strange that Hikari has fallen for someone so drastically different from herself...when I myself have...

'NO! We're not starting that again!', I say to myself coldly. 'That's what got us into this mess in the first place, remember?'

As we walk up the steps into the main entrance, I notice just how empty and desolate the school is at 7:13 AM. The earliest I've ever been here is fifteen minutes before the start of class, and by then most of the school's modest population is milling about in the halls or on the grounds...not that the presence of my fellow students helps diminish the dismal nature of this teenage wasteland.

On that note, I've been meaning to ask Hikari..."So, you usually get here early, right?" Hikari nods in agreement. "What exactly do you do here until class starts up?"

"Well," she begins, "I usually don't get here until about 7:30 on most days. But, when we spoke on the phone, you sounded like..." She stops mid-sentence. "Ah, I mean, uh," she fumbles. "Well, I, uh didn't want to keep you waiting, so I uh, left early."

‘So she was worried about me. Did I really sound that desperate over the phone? Gott, how pathetic am I becoming?’

"...but to answer your original question," Hikari went on, "I usually go over to the library to do some extra studying, or just read a novel to pass the time until class starts.'

‘Heh, should've figured as much.’

So, for the next hour, we sit in the library. Upon Hikari's request, I quiz her in preparation for an upcoming math test, and...after some prodding, allow her to do the same for me. At least it's better than just sitting around, brooding over having to see Shinji again at some point today...and the inevitable confrontation with Misato after Kaji tells her everything...

But soon enough, Hikari rises from her seat and tells me that it's a quarter after eight. So, we depart the library and make our way over to our classroom. By now, the halls are full of students; chatting, walking to their classrooms, or slumping against the walls.

As we pass, some of the girls greet Hikari and me...their smiles and cheery 'hellos' and 'good mornings' about as real as Monopoly money.

‘I know what they really think of me...gaijin...Teutonic whore...harpy...bitch...’

I'm used to it though...most girls my age hate me. That's how it was in Germany...I don't expect it to be any different in Japan...where a number of people probably already hate me for being a mixed-blooded foreigner.

The boys aren't much better, though at least they don't pretend to actually care about me. They just skulk about, shuffling their feet, pretending they weren't just ogling me when I turn to glare at them, all the while giving me a wide berth to pass by.

At least it's better than how they acted when I first arrived. During my first week here, dozens of them 'confessed their love' or left me stupid, inane notes full of bland declarations, laughable attempts at erotic poetry, etcetera, etcetera...

Still better than the ones that tried to approach me in person though; a few of them were reluctant to take no for an answer.

One 'genius' in particular stands out...apparently he was rather used to having his way with the girls around here. He tried to woo me with some half-baked 'romantic' verbal fecal matter.

I didn't even look at him...or stop walking...so he, in his infinite wisdom, thought it might be a good idea to grope me...purring about how much he 'loved a challenge'...well, he wasn't back the next day...or the day after...even I didn't know I could kick that hard. Since word of that incident got round, the boys keep to themselves.

Truth is, I don't care what everyone thinks of me, as long as I'm shown the proper respect and reverence for being the number one Eva pilot. Other than acknowledging my talents and prestige, they can all stay the hell away.

_Which makes it all the more sad that you've driven away one of the few people you grew to care about. And soon, Misato will probably turn her back on you as well. Even Hikari won't be able to stand the sight of you once she knows what you did._

'Shut up! I don't need...him! I don't need Misato! She's a slut anyway, and she always was! Do you hear me? I don't need anyone! And Hikari is just lucky that I took a liking to her. If she turns her back on me, then to hell with her! I never asked her to actually give a damn about me. She's as stupid as everyone else in this fucking place if she thinks I need her goddamn approval! Besides, when all others have turned their backs on me, there's still...'

_Kaji? the inner voice scoffs. The man who's been slowly putting more and more distance between you and himself for the past several months? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're losing him just as surely as you'll lose everyone you care about._

I can feel myself withering into nothing at the callously amused sound of my own voice. The world around me even seems to be crumbling into empty space until I can no longer discern objects from humans; I haven't even noticed that Hikari is no longer walking beside me.

_All that compassion he showed you...all that understanding...he was obligated to that. After all, who else would be there for you? But it's obvious...just as he's been meaning to steer your affections to the Third Child...he's been planning to dump you off to Misato...because no one who's spent enough time with you can stand to be around you..._

I close my eyes, trying to phase that voice out of my thoughts...but...

_Just like Papa..._

Please...

_And Mama..._

No...

_Because no one could ever really care about you..._

Clenching my fists, trying to resist the urge to scream, I forget to open my eyes as I round the corner near the boys restroom.

CRASH!!!

With a cry of shock, I topple forward, a hapless boy trapped underneath me as we land in a heap on the linoleum floor.

Shaking my head to clear it, I open my eyes, beginning to angrily tell the idiot to watch where he's going...and feel my entire chest turn to ice.

No...

No...

NO!

There is no way...

No...fucking...way...

No one's luck could possibly be this horrible...

Underneath a head of dark brown hair, a pair of dark blue eyes, wide with terror, stare back at me.

Shinji looks utterly petrified, his partially open mouth quivering soundlessly as he struggles to form the words, 'I'm sorry...'

Fog is filling every crevice of my brain...

The last time I saw him...I...

Mein Gott! I have to say something...but what?

_Shinji...I-I-I'm sorry for everything..._

I hear the words in my head. But my lips won't move. There's no air in my lungs to make words with.

I'm just now beginning to realize that we are surrounded by a group of onlookers. Despite the crowd, however, all is eerily silent...the dozens of eyes fixed on us are wide with shock and apprehension, but not one voice is heard.

I just want to run away. Just turn around, and run...pretending that this never happened...praying that no one works up the nerve to ask me about it...

But running would make me a coward...

'No! The Great Asuka Langely Sohryu does NOT run away! Ever! If anyone should be running away, it's Shinji!'

Though...I don't think he can do much of anything trapped underneath me...maybe I should get up now.

Hastily, I push myself off of Shinji, and clamber to my feet. Once free, Shinji pushes himself up with his arms it a sitting position, and scrambles back slightly out of kicking distance, all the while gazing up at me, utterly transfixed.

I can only guess at what's going through his mind right now. I don't even know what's going through my own mind. I had thought that getting to my feet would help clear my head...but now, my brain is full of empty static...my mouth seems like it's made of stone; dry and immobile...and the prickling sensation of all the eyes upon me is worse now that I can fully see the steadily increasing crowd around us.

Then, a single voice breaks through the white noise of the silent panic building up inside me; Hikari!

"Asuka, where are you? Class is about to start and...what? What's going on here? Alright! Step aside, let me through, pardon me! Okay, whatever's going on here, it ends now! Class is about to start, so get to your assigned-"

Exiting the girl's restroom, she stops speaking when she catches sight of me standing over Shinji.

"Asuka? What are you-"

She looks down.

"Ikari? What are you doing down there?"

But Shinji neither answers nor turns to face her, still transfixed with horror.

Hikari, looking rather concerned now, kneels down next to him.

"Ikari?", she asks again, but more gently. "What happened? Are you alright?"

With a start of surprise, Shinji turns to face her. Suddenly aware of all the attention he's drawn to himself, his face blushes a deep red, as he stares down at the floor beneath Hikari's feet. "I-I'm f-fine M-Miss Horaki. It's n-nothing."

Putting a consoling hand on his shoulder, she looks up at the spectators, fixing them with a hard glare. "Well, move along then! Nothing to see here! Go on, get to your classes, all of you!"

Grudgingly, but unwilling to face the infamous wrath of 2-A's Class Rep, they begin to leave en masse.

Hikari turns back to Shinji, helping him to his feet. "Are you alright?"

Shinji nods awkwardly, face redder than ever, determinedly looking away from her.

"What happened here?"

Strangled whimpers of indecision are all that can be heard in response. But his eyes dart fearful looks in my direction, as if trying to figure out how to answer Hikari's question without blaming me.

Hikari, however, takes note of where Shinji's eyes keep flitting, and with an ominous frown beginning to crease her brow, she begins to walk towards me, oblivious to Shinji's look of dawning horror behind her back.

Stopping in front of me, hands on her hips, she attempts to glare at me...though I can tell that's she really more disappointed and sad than angry. "Asuka, please...tell me you didn't-" she begins.

"Didn't what?!", I interrupt her, red hot anger beginning to boil inside of me. "What am I supposed to have done now huh?"

Fucking typical...everyone always takes his side. Always...even Hikari...who I thought would always have my back.

"Asuka! Calm yourself!" barks Hikari, who despite looking somewhat fearful at my outburst, does not step back an inch. "No one is accusing you of anything yet. It just looks like-"

"Looks like what, huh?" I scream back, knowing full well that I'm going to regret lashing out later. "You think I pushed him, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

Advancing on Hikari, glaring daggers at her, she still holds her ground despite looking more and more unnerved by the second.

"I never said anything like that Asuka," she replies in a level, dignified tone. "It's just that-"

"Just what huh?"

I've had more of this than I can stand.

"One little whimper from the idiot, and everyone starts fawning over him!" Standing directly in front of Hikari, I narrow my eyes as they bore into hers. "Even you...Hikari."

In my heart, I know that she's right to suspect me. I may not have done anything wrong this time...but I have in the past. And all I'd have to do is explain that it was an accident...but...I can't help but feel betrayed.

Whatever I've done, despite deserving to be alone and miserable, part of me always felt...or maybe just hoped...that at least Hikari would side with me over Shinji.

Given how this whole thing looks, I know she has good reason to think I'm at fault...but still...the same anger that drove me to mercilessly crush Shinji's heart beneath my foot is now raging inside of me...and I am powerless to stop it...

"Well, go on then," I snarl, turning my back on Hikari. "Go kiss his boo boos and coddle him like everyone else does."

"Asuka..."

Breathing heavily, my hands balling into fists so tight that it seems my knuckles will burst through the skin covering them, I try to reign in my rapidly deteriorating self-control.

"Just...don't! Obviously this is all my fault! Not his...it's NEVER his fault!"

I want to say the words sardonically...but the feeling that rises within me is not the contempt my tone has conveyed...but agreement...agreement without irony.

It is that realization, more than anything, that makes the fleeting yet savage glee I felt in insulting Shinji start to ebb away...replaced with stark horror.

Mein Gott...I've done it again! Why...why am I doing this?!

'You regret doing what must be done because you're weak!'

_Doing what must be done? Is that what you call this?!_

Stealing a glance at the boy, I see that his shoulders have slumped, his head hanging so low that his entire face is hidden.

I know...that I should...should do the right thing.

'You're above having to apologize for some stupid accident like this! Let the idiot blubber about how it's his fault.'

Still, even now...I just can't...I can't lose face...I just can't lose face. I can't apologize...

_You know this is wrong! And you're too weak to admit it!_

'You're strong enough to brush this off. Whatever Hikari and the idiot think about this stupid incident doesn't mean anything to the likes of you.'

For once though...I'm not sure that I believe what my pride is telling me...

'Well it shouldn't mean anything! Or have you forgotten who you are?'

But I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. After all, it's better this way...better for Shinji to hate and fear me too much to come near me again.

I'll leave now, and go back home...go back home and face Misato. Then...at least...once Misato has thrown me out, I'll be safely away from them all...from him.

'Good, then we can wash our hands of this whole thing. I'm not so sure living with Hikari is an option anymore...but living alone in a NERV facility room might not be so bad after all.'

_I can't believe you're so delusional that you can believe this lie for even a minute..._

Ignoring the war raging in my mind, I raise my head, and turn to face them both once more...the latest victims of my pride...of my refusal to show the weakness of remorse and contrition.

Hikari stands rooted to the spot, speechless; seemingly unable to find the words to articulate a retort.

While, behind her, Shinji, who has barely uttered a word through this entire incident is...turning to leave?

It isn't his departure that shocks me...it's the sudden calm and determined air in his bearing. In my surprise, I look at him for too long...and he notices. Looking back over his shoulder, only one eye is visible to me. And that eye is not wide with fear and hurt as it usually is when looking at me...it is narrowed, and blazing with cold fury.

The last of my anger dies as something cold blooms inside my chest.

\-------------------------------------


	19. Repeat & Regret (pt.7) 10/15/2015 (8:14 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite my denunciation of this and the previous POV, truth be told, while I still dislike what I did with the story here, I actually do like how I had the end of the segment play out. And I do prefer it somewhat over part 6, anyway.
> 
> Thankfully, as I said before, this is the end of Chapter 5. 
> 
> And for those who read my story in its initial series format...THIS is where I left off before. 
> 
> After this, we move on to uncharted waters.

•8:14 AM

The dismally flickering fluorescent light filters into the bathroom stall from above as I lose myself in contemplation, thinking about all that has taken place since last night.

It all began when Asuka...when she actually gave me an honest compliment on my cello playing...or so I thought. When I tried to play again...just for her...she yelled at me to stop; that it gave her a headache. I just...I don't understand.

'I don't understand her! Did she just compliment me all so she could take it back and hurt me more than if she had just chosen to insult me?'

Then, only a few hours later...she kissed me; something I thought I'd only ever see in my wildest dreams. When I kissed her back, she seemed to be...happy...just for a moment...before screaming that she hated me.

And then she took that back for a moment...only to say horrible things that might as well say 'I lied. I really do hate you...and I wish you'd fucking die!' But what hurts more than all of that...is the simple fact that she used me...used me as if I were less than a human to her...

'Anyone would do...'

And what's worse...she knows how I feel now...though, part of me suspects that she always has known. She took full advantage of that, just so she could pretend to kiss Kaji...

'I imagined you were Kaji...'

She did seem to regret it at first though...maybe it's my fault for not backing off when she was too upset to talk about what was bothering her...

'That doesn't excuse her using you that way! It only means she might not have exploded at you the way she did! All it means...is that you would have wasted your time pining over her, even as she went back to abusing and despising you, pretending that the kiss never happened. You'd never have known that all you were to her was some tool to be used as a cheap thrill...even though for you, it was the happiest moment of your life.'

I feel my brow folding downward, my jaw tightening...

'You'd never have realized how worthless you are to her, had you not pressed her into revealing her true colors. Even if she went back to treating you like shit, a part of you would've held out a vain hope that she could fall for you someday. And if she did ever reciprocate your feelings...you'd never have known it was all an act. You'd have bought it hook, line, and sinker...better to know now than later that she could never care for you the way you do for her. Could you really have talked yourself down from that ledge...if she had led you on by the nose for weeks, months, or even years...only to turn around and say those terrible things...only after you'd fully convinced yourself that she really cared about you?'

There's a roiling, hot, sick feeling inside.

'You only prevented yourself from jumping...because you wanted to spite her...if you had allowed yourself to fall for her...to really fall for her...would you really consider it worth living just to spit in the face of the one you love? Your love would have carried you over the edge of that roof...without so much as pausing to look down. You survived because you expected to fail all along. Sure, you got your hopes up for a moment there, and had them all smashed to pieces...but the simple fact is...that because Asuka outright rejected you, even if it hurt, you were able to live through the pain...she could have feigned otherwise, and for all the happiness it might have brought...you'd have been living a lie...and then the pain of discovering the truth would have killed you.'

But it still hurts...even now. I have to clench my eyes shut and shake my head to clear it of all those things she said. And even then, it never stops.

I want to run...run until I leave her voice full of scorn and disgust somewhere far behind me. But I can't...I can't run from myself.

'I mustn't run away...'

So, I guess...I just have to accept the reality...

'I mustn't run away...'

She doesn't care for me. She never will.

'I mustn't run away...'

I can't waste my life feeling sorry for myself because of one rejection.

'I mustn't run away...'

I see the shock and relief in Misato's face before being pulled into an asphyxiating embrace. But even as I try to push away from her so that I can breathe...there is a warmth inside that is beyond describing. I'm almost tempted to let myself suffocate if it means not having to let go.

'There...really ARE people who care about me.'

I remember back to that day I actually did run away and how I nearly left for good three days later. Misato had chewed me out for defying an order...I ran away and wandered the city for several days...and when found, I was chewed out again and convinced to quit being an Eva pilot.

I was at the train station, about to leave Tokyo 3 forever, and...Toji and Kensuke came to see me off. Kensuke was always pretty friendly from the start...but Toji...who had decked me the first day we met, hated me for accidentally injuring his younger sister Sakura in my first battle.

But then...during the battle with the next angel...the one code named Shamshel...they had exited the shelter to see the fight, and then had to be rescued by me allowing them into the entry plug of Unit 01. Something about that experience must have affected Toji...

When I arrived at the station, they threw me a bag of things I'd forgotten, and stayed to say goodbye. Then Toji asked me to hit him back...to even the score from two weeks prior. I was reluctant, but...feeling the need to oblige him...and maybe a little twinge of satisfaction...I gave him a small but noticeable bruise on his left cheek. I thought he might walk off without another word after that, but...he had smiled instead, and along with Kensuke, had intended to wait there until my train was out of sight.

The train I never took.

I hadn't seen Misato arrive until after my train had departed...without me on board. Despite my joy at seeing that she had come to see me off...or perhaps try to change my mind, in the end, it was Toji, not Misato who had helped me make the last minute decision to stay. Part of me was already fighting not to leave...and finish what I'd started. But it was the support of my new...friends...

Friends...something I'd never really had before. It was new to feel liked and appreciated by someone of my own age...or by anyone really...Tokyo 3 was the first place I remember feeling...wanted or liked by anyone...Toji, and Kensuke as well...made me realize that...maybe...even those who had nothing much to gain from it...could care about me.

'I am not alone anymore.'

"I don't think, I KNOW that you are better than you think you are, Shinji," says Kaji, smiling as he offers a hand to help me up.

I stand up, exiting the stall, and head towards the row of sinks.

'Others have faith in me, even when I have none in myself.'

"Why don't you just try smiling?" I had said. Rei Ayanami, still dazed and in pain from the recent battle with the Angel code named Ramiel, looks confused for a moment...before her icy stoicism is shattered by the most beautiful...the most wonderfully sincere smile I have ever seen in my life...

'There are people I must protect.'

A bearded man stands high above me, looking down, coldly and dispassionately, through orange lenses occasionally turned opaque from the bright lights high above. Had I not been so afraid to look directly at his face, I might have marveled at the resemblance to my own.

"I have a use for you." His clear, cold voice seems to fill the room without the need to raise it.

'And there is someone...I need to try to understand...to reach somehow...whatever the cost to myself.'

I stare at myself in the spotted and cracked mirror. Somehow, for once, I actually look as determined as I feel.

'I WON'T RUN AWAY!'

And in the vehemence of that silent declaration, I slam my fist down on the sink basin...and promptly regret it.

The other boys standing at the sinks look questioningly at me as I rub my left hand and bite down a litany of swear words. Muttering to myself something about how much cooler slamming your fist down in resolution looks in movies, I make my way to the bathroom door.

I never saw her coming.

CRASH!

Something solid collides with me! Something with a long mane of red hair. Something that cries out with surprise and displeasure at the unexpected obstacle that is me.

It sounds like...but it can't be...

No. No, this isn't happening. Whatever divine presence that may exist can't possibly hate me that much...

The force of the collision bowls me over, and I land, hard, on my back. Around me, I hear bystanders uttering cries of shock...that quickly fade into tense silence.

Dazed and stunned by the pain from the impact, I find it difficult to open my eyes to see exactly what's happening...or is it because I know what has happened...and am afraid to face it...

The tickling sensation of long hair in my eyes forces me to blink, and my eyes open at last to reveal...an angel? Not like the ones we fight, but the kind of angel Westerners believe in; beautiful, with a halo of light surrounding a head of long luxuriant hair, her face looks strangely familiar as it swims into focus.

I wonder, 'Am I dead? Did that impact kill me? Am I about to discover that Heaven exists?'

As my vision clears, the first thing I notice is that the halo...is nothing but one of the hallway lamps partially eclipsed by the head of...of...no...no...no...NO...NO...NO!

My ears seem to fill with a horrible buzzing as my mind begins to explode into a scream of horror that my lungs are to stunned to emit. I can feel my eyes bulging and my stomach convulsing painfully, as I take in the full measure of what is unfolding.

Crouched over me, on her hands and knees, is...Asuka.

Was it my fault we ran into each other like this? Are there witnesses? What does it matter? I'm probably about to die anyway. Asuka...made it clear, beyond any doubt, how much she despises me. What does it matter whose fault this is?

She'll blame me...then probably beat me half to death...or worse...she'll look at me with the same contempt she did before...and remind me how worthless I am...how she'd never care for someone like me, let alone...ever...

Asuka abruptly pushes herself up and to her feet, looking first down at me, then around at the onlookers. Her face is white as a sheet and her expression...is it my imagination, or...does she look almost as frightened and helpless as I feel? She looks down at me again, her eyes wide with...horror? Her hands are visibly tightening into fists.

'Here it comes then...'

And yet I can't look away or close my eyes to block out the impending doom. I just...can't stop looking at her face. I have to know...

'Is she...afraid too?'

So intent on answering this question am I, that I fail to notice her looking at someone behind me.

Right now there is only me and Asuka, and-

"Ikari?"

Jolted by the surprise of the familiar but unexpected voice, I turn to face Hikari Horaki. Her freckled face wears an expression of concern as she asks, "What happened? Are you alright?"

It just now occurs to me how many people are watching us, and suddenly the uncomfortable prickling of dozens of watching eyes overwhelms me.

"I-I'm f-fine M-Miss Horaki," I manage to stutter out. "It's n-nothing."

The reassuring smile and consoling hand on my shoulder she gives in return clearly indicate that she doesn't believe me in the slightest.

After a moment, she turns to face the onlookers, and disperses them with nothing more than her sharp tone and surprisingly fierce glare.

"Go on, get to your classes, all of you," she barks sternly. And before long, the hallway is clear...except for me, Hikari...and Asuka.

Hikari turns back to me, her face softening back into concern as she holds out her hand. After helping me to me my feet, she again asks, "Are you alright?"

The only response I can muster is a clumsy nod.

"What happened here?", she asks, her tone a little more commanding now.

Damn it! I can't tell her that it was Asuka. Not with Asuka standing right there. Even if she only ran into me by accident, which she probably did, if I even suggest that she's at fault...she hates me enough as it is already!

I guess...maybe it shouldn't bother me. I've already decided I don't really want to have anything to do with her...but I'm afraid...I'm scared of her...I always have been since we met. Not just of her fury, but of the power she holds over me without even trying. In equal measure, I'm enthralled by the control she exerts over me and everyone around her...it might be why I was falling for her.

But what do I tell Hikari? I should stick to the facts. As long as I do that, maybe Hikari will realize it was an accident. If I say nothing, she might think Asuka hurt me on purpose.

'Come on Shinji, speak up and clear up this mess!'

I promptly begin to utter...unintelligible, indecisive rambling...in my stupid whiny voice. All the while darting terrified glances at Asuka, who simply stares back with a blank expression.

Somewhere inside me, my inner voice is face palming.

'...way to give it your A-game, champ...'

However, that inner voice becomes a slowly widening scream of silent horror as I see Hikari, who had been looking from me to Asuka in time with my glances at her, turn to face her friend, squaring her shoulders and marching deliberately towards her.

Hands on her hips, she stops a foot and a half away from Asuka as I hear her say, "Asuka, please...tell me you didn't-"

But she's cut off, as the nearly immobile Asuka suddenly snaps back to awareness.

"Didn't what!?" she roars back, her face twisting with rage. "What am I supposed to have done now huh?"

'Please Asuka, don't get angry! Just tell her the truth and she'll believe you!'

"Asuka," Hikari snaps back, "calm yourself! No one is accusing you of anything yet. It just looks like-"

"Looks like what?!" Asuka is screaming almost at full volume now. "You think I pushed him, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

The furious redhead now advances on Hikari, who, to her credit does not take a single step back.

"I never said anything like that, Asuka," Hikari responds in a level, dignified tone. "It's just that-"

"Just what huh?", Asuka bellows over Hikari's retort. "One little whimper from the idiot, and everyone starts fawning over him!" Asuka clenches her fists, lowering her head ominously. "Even you...Hikari."

At this accusation, the pigtailed brunette looks wounded and lost for words. Though she still remains stoically standing her ground, the pain is visible in her eyes.

I can understand the feeling...

It's exactly how I feel now. Hearing her speak of me so venomously...it's more than I can stand. Even after everything that's happened...

She just can't find it in herself to give me half a chance. Is she that determined to hate me? Am I really so worthless and pathetic to her? 

"Well go on then!" Asuka snarls at her friend, turning away from her...though she strangely avoids looking at me as she does so. "Go kiss his boo boos and coddle him like everyone else does."

The words burn holes into my ears, and into my very soul. Normally, I try my best just to tune out the scorn, the insults, and hide the anger and humiliation her scorn fills me with...but not this time.

I've had it...

Normally, something like this would make me cry...or at least feel sad...

There is something inside me right now, roiling up from the inside...but it isn't the dull, lurching ache of tears and sobs...

Instead...it is the violent whirlwind of wrath...

Rising from the bowels of my soul is a hot, red blindness...a guttural pressure that builds itself into a silent scream of fury...a desire to ignite and yet to extinguish...to destroy and rend asunder anything unfortunate enough to be within eyesight and reach.

It's not even what she has just said about me...

Not even the sad reality that this is likely what she has really thought of me all along...

No...this time...

This time...she didn't even have the decency to say all of this to me. Instead, she decided to pretend that I'm not even here, despite her knowing that I am.

She has dehumanized me...just like she did before...

This...is...unforgivable...

I could take it when she chose to yell at me. If she had said this to me I instead of screaming it at Hikari as if I didn't exist, I might still have found it in me to crawl back to her and try to...what, exactly? Be her friend? At least be someone she doesn't hate? Maybe more...

Not this time...

...

...

...

In my mind, I can see it start to play out...

...

...

...

Behind the two girls, completely unnoticed by either of them, I rise slowly to my feet, and take a shambling step towards them. Head bowed so low, that all I can see of Asuka is her feet, I begin to breathe heavily, my body tensing, my hands first curling into fists...

'NEVER AGAIN!'

Then splaying out into claws...claws meant to encircle...to squeeze...to sink deep into the flesh of that thin, elegant throat that has insulted me, screamed at me that I am nothing, worthless, useless, pathetic, perverted, unworthy, stupid...to crush the larynx beneath that perfect, pale skin...until it can never wound me again...until it can never utter a sound again...until the angel's face above it is a grisly mask contorted into its final expression of desperation and terror...

...

...

...

I snap back to reality with a jolt...to find that I haven't moved a centimeter from where I've been sitting this whole time.

Even in my rage...I shiver at the images that have just passed through my mind.

...

...

...

My face...an animalistic snarl, eyes bulging with a mixture of lust and rage.

Asuka...her face the picture of horror as her eyes bulge out in fear, all the while gasping for a breath that would never come from a throat held tightly in the grasp of...my hands...my own hands...

...

...

...

Oh god...could I...could I ever really...

My hands fall limply to my sides as I force my breathing to slow. Then, I turn away...turn my back on them both...

I...I need to just walk away now...before I say...or worse...do...something I can't take back...

'But, even if I could never bring myself to...'

The horrid images flash before my mind's eye like a perverse clip show...

'Even though I still could never bring myself to...hurt her...I'm...I'm done with this...'

With her...

I turn just enough to look over my shoulder at her one last time...and see that she is looking back at me at last. Her expression is mostly blank...mostly...but, maybe also...

'To hell with you...'

I narrow my eyes...my fists clenching so tightly, I can feel blood between the fingers of my left hand...

'Second Child...'

And I turn away, feeling her eyes on my back, determined not to look back again, even as Hikari calls out my name to ask where I'm going.

"Have you seen the time, Class Rep?" I call back softly, without my usual stutter, as I continue to walk towards our homeroom. "You should head to class now if you don't want to be late."


	20. Repercussions & Reparations 10/15/2015 (7:51 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the first milestone beyond what I posted before...and the beginning of Chapter 6!
> 
> Here’s Misato with the first of her (I think...) seven POVs in this chapter; so yeah, Misato is the POV for roughly 1/3 of this chapter.
> 
> That should put into perspective how MASSIVE Chapter 6 is (21 segments!).
> 
> Since I’ll probably be reducing the number of updates to one or two a week (depending on the length and content of each segment and how well certain segments stand alone) from this point forward, we’ll be on this chapter at least a month or two into next year...unless you end up liking the story so much you ask me for faster updates. :)
> 
> Anyways, hope you all enjoy the material to come...don’t be afraid to speak your mind about it in the comments. I only ask that if you really hate it, please try not to be too caustic.

_ “Fear is growing in the eyes of the underdog _  
_ For each day we increase the obstacles _  
_ Pushing you down again and again _  
_ To determinate the limits _

_ The mind has become so twisted _  
_ I am saving myself by hurting the others _  
_ The anxiety and the sympathy _  
_ Are scanning my spiteful conscience _

_ I, the leader _  
_ Scars been given _  
_ Hearts collapse _  
_ Impossible to repair _  
_ I dare to tread the dividing line _

_ Now they all turned against me _  
_ I received the eyes of the underdog” _

 

https://youtu.be/N2FnYxjCEbw

 

-" **The Dividing Line** " by October Tide

 

** Chapter 6-Repercussions & Reparations **

•7:51 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

Kaji falls silent after speaking for several minutes. I myself have not spoken a word since earlier blurting out my joy that Shinji and Asuka had finally kissed...joy that was short lived after what Kaji said next.

A tense silence falls over the kitchen, Kaji watching me warily. I feel like a statue, except for involuntary blinking, my face is motionless as I sit at my table, trying to process all that Kaji has revealed.

At last, Kaji speaks up. "So there you have it," he says matter of factly. "That's why Shinji ran off last ni- h-hey, where are you going?"

For once his voice broke the silence, I had risen to my feet. Something had shattered all manner of resistance and restraint inside of me...and I was about to do something about it. I grab my car keys, and head for the door without a word.

"Katsuragi?" Kaji springs up from the table and darts over to the door to block my way.

"Get out of the way, Kaji," I say without raising my voice. He looks unnerved...and he should be. He knows that the only thing more unpleasant than me screaming when I'm angry is me being calm when I'm furious.

Furious...does not even begin to cover what's going through me right now...

That girl...

That little whore...

It's a damn good thing she wasnt here when Kaji told me everything. But her luck in avoiding me earlier is about to fucking run out.

"Katsuragi, listen to me," Kaji pleads calmly, "please don't go do something you're going to regret!"

"I'm not gonna regret it one bit Kaji," I retort in the same calm voice. "I'm also not going to regret what I do to you if you don't stand aside once I finish counting to ten."

He stays put.

Fine then...

"One"

"Katsuragi..."

"Two"

"Katsuragi, please..."

"Three"

"Stop this..."

"Four"

"This won't help..."

"Five"

"You're making a mistake..."

"Six"

"Dammit, listen to me!"

"Seven"

"Katsuragi, she's just a kid..."

"Eight"

"She didn't really mean for any of this to happen..."

"Nine"

Kaji seizes me by the shoulders. "Dammit, just...listen, will you?"

"Take your hands off of me," I respond coldly. "I'm gonna find that little skank, and drag her back here by the fucking hair. Then she can start packing and haul all her shit out of this apartment by herself. Whatever she can't carry or wear on her back gets chucked over the fucking balcony."

"Katsuragi! Will you just calm down and listen to reason for one second?!"

It's not his words that make me pause. I can count on one hand the number of times Kaji has shouted at me, and whenever he does, he means business.

So, as much as I want to find that little tramp and slap the red out of her hair, I'll take a moment to hear Kaji out. After all, he may know more about all that's happened than I do. So, with a deep breath, I look at Kaji and fold my arms. "Alright Kaji. Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill her, and I won't."

"Thank you," Kaji sighs, looking relieved. "Let's head back to the kitchen table."

And he leads me back to the kitchen table, placing me in the same chair he had vacated when he prevented me leaving, while he takes the seat I had originally occupied.

After a moment to gather his thoughts, he resumes speaking. "I didn't mention yet that I think Asuka lied to both me and Shinji about why she kissed him. She claims to have been using him since she couldn't get to me, but I could tell she wasn't telling the truth. For one thing, she went out of her way to ensure that I knew Shinji didn't do anything wrong. That's not like her at all. She put all of the blame on herself from the start."

"As she should," I interject acidly. "That's doesn't change the fact that she verbally eviscerated Shinji to the extent that he almost..."

I can't bring myself to say it...

"No, it doesn't change what happened," Kaji agrees. "But you didn't see her after I retrieved Shinji from the rooftop. She was beside herself, Katsuragi. I've only once seen her cry before. And this was before she knew where Shinji ran off to."

I snort derisively. "Crocodile tears, nothing more. You're too soft on her. You always were. No wonder she was more spoiled than ever when she arrived here."

"Look, Katsuragi," Kaji retorts, "here's what I think happened. Asuka has been interested in Shinji for awhile now. The problem is, she's afraid to tell him, and scared of anyone else finding out. To be seen with someone like Shinji; relatively plain, not especially bright, reticent and much more timid than is considered socially acceptable for a boy...would, in her mind, ruin the public persona she's adopted to cope with her past."

For a moment, my anger dims as I remember the details of Asuka's past. Yes, what Kaji says makes sense...but still...

"And what's more," Kaji continues, " it is her fear of opening up to ANYONE that is keeping her from accepting how she feels about Shinji. Miss Horaki was mostly just lucky to break through Asuka's shell, but it helps that she's a girl. Asuka is, thanks to that bastard father of hers, a bit of a misandrist. It took me a LONG time to be an exception to that rule. Now, she likes Shinji because he's kind and modest, and for all his lack of bravado, can be astonishingly brave when the situation calls for it...but at the same time, also deeply mistrusts him because he's a boy."

Yes, Asuka was always more than a little misandrist during the time I knew her. She avoided men and boys like they were the plague. Shinji, however, does act rather different from most boys, and I myself, despite teasing him over it sometimes, find that to be endearing rather than embarrassing. Still...

"According to you, she admitted to having said terrible things to Shinji that made him run out of the room, and up to that rooftop. You're really convinced that she kissed him because she secretly cares about him? I mean, I understand hiding your feelings because you're afraid of being hurt. But what she said to him...how do you even bring yourself to do that to someone you actually care about?"

Kaji fixes me with a meaningful look. And, to my horror, I realize that he's wordlessly reminding me of when I myself...

That day...eight years ago-

Nope. Nope, not going there. Besides, this is more important right now. God, I need a freaking drink! I don't even care that I'm still suffering from a hangover.

"So, uh," I continue a little awkwardly, cursing the rising heat in my face as I walk to the fridge, "Even after all of that, you really think she actually cares about Shinji deep down? It sounds more to me like she just wanted to tease and humiliate Shinji for kicks. Then when Shinji started to get attached, she smashed all his hopes to pieces. Girls can be cruel like that, you know? And she's always had a sadistic streak. I just never would have thought she'd sink so low."

Kaji gives a small sigh in response. "In your heart of hearts, is that really what you think of Asuka? It's true that she has a sadistic facet to her personality, but...I feel that her outburst after they had kissed was more due to fear and confusion than outright cruelty."

He waits for my reply, but I give him a look that tells him to continue as I return from the fridge with my prize. While I feel that his theory is a long stretch, Kaji has always been an excellent judge of character...it was one of the things that made me afraid of him back then...

"In short," Kaji continues at last, "Asuka approached Shinji and suggested kissing to 'kill time'. That was just her way of downplaying both to herself and Shinji how much the kiss would actually mean to her. At first Shinji was reluctant, so she goads and bullies him into it. They kiss, and to her surprise, Shinji actually kisses her back, something that she paradoxically hoped for and yet did not expect to happen. For a moment, she enjoys it. But then, her insecurities ruin the moment, and almost make her break character in front of Shinji, the one person she is more afraid of opening up to than anyone else. Shinji even seemed to notice the crack in Asuka's façade, even though he still has no idea that Asuka's behavior is a façade at all. This slip in her persona frightens Asuka badly enough to viciously lash out at Shinji and both arbitrarily reject him and throw as much venom as she could into doing so. All this, so that Shinji couldn't see the real her...the real her that does care about him. In a sense, she is the real life version of the tsundere girls often seen in anime and other media. However, unlike in works of fiction, Asuka's antics are not amusing or endearing, but alienating and destructive, both to herself and to others."

Hmm, makes sense I guess. I still think he's being too soft with her though. Kaji doesn't have to live with her anymore, so it's easy enough for him to say all of this. Besides, I'm sure that after he became an exception to her mistrust and disdain towards men, that she was a perfect little angel for the 'man of her dreams.'

A crack and hiss break the silence as I crack open the pop top lid of my impromptu breakfast. But as I prepare to lift the beer to my lips...something makes me stop, and without even having lifted it from the table, I release my grip on the can.

Across the table, Kaji takes another deep breath. "Although, there is one thing above all else that complicates things further. While Asuka cares about Shinji deep down...she also resents him. That resentment is NOT feigned, though it does somewhat mesh with her façade, and 'enhance' it, so to speak. She cares about Shinji the person...she resents Shinji the Eva pilot. Shinji is accomplishing everything she has spent her life training for...and is not even trying. Sure, that's not his fault, and she knows that. But it doesn't change her bitterness on the subject. If anything, it just frustrates her more that he's NOT an insufferable asshole about his success, because despite all her rage and feelings of inadequacy, she can't bring herself to actually hate him as he is. If he lorded it over her that he's as good or better than her without all the training she went through, then she could allow herself to want him to die or at least screw up and severely injure himself in the next battle. And she wouldn't have to keep hiding how she feels about Shinji as a person. To her, it would be so much easier if she could hate Shinji. But she can't, thus her feelings for Shinji are instead deeply conflicted and confusing to herself, Shinji, and most people who see them interact."

Leaning back in my chair, I fold my arms, chewing lightly on my tongue. I look at Kaji, then at the open but otherwise untouched beer on the table, then back at Kaji.

"So," I say after a rather long silence, "that's your theory on why this happened?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Kaji replies matter of factly.

'Well,' I think to myself, 'I guess that all makes sense if you think about it. The confusion, the insecurity, and the resentment. Still...'

"Alright Kaji, after some thought on the matter, I think I agree with you on the matter of what happened."

Taking a deep breath, I once again reach for the beer in front of me...only to pull back my hand from the can, without having touched it. "Now the question becomes...what do we do about it? Just because I understand, doesn't make what she did to Shinji okay, and I can't just let her off the hook. Honestly, I still want to backhand the shit out of her...but...," I let out another lengthy sigh of frustration, "It wouldn't take back what happened, and I guess it wouldn't go about making her a better person."

"No," Kaji shakes his head in agreement, "It wouldn't. I can't expect you to be thrilled with her right now, but I do ask that you don't allow your anger on Shinji's behalf to override your good heart."

"Ugh, fine," I reply grudgingly. I stare down at the beer again...and feel my face hardening into a glare.

When Shinji ran past us...I couldn't do...anything...I couldn't even stand. Because I just HAD to go out and get trashed. Had to go and leave my wards alone and unsupervised. And because of that, the kind but fragile boy I had taken in and come to care deeply about in the three months I'd known him had been left alone with the damaged, unstable and sometimes vicious German girl I'd also taken in. Their relationship was complex and ultimately destructive and volatile. And in this particular fallout, Asuka had verbally attacked Shinji with enough brutality to almost literally push him over the edge.

And I wasn't there to help him. Kaji had to save him in my stead. And where was I? Falling on my fucking face, trying to crawl after him, and then being dragged off to bed to sleep it off...a bag full of rocks would've been as much help as I was.

I stand up suddenly and furiously. Kaji, looking slightly alarmed, also rises to his feet. "Katsuragi?"

But I pay him no mind, as I snatch up the beer, glowering at it with all the hatred and accusation I can muster, stomp over to my sink...and promptly turn the still enticingly cool can upside down, emptying the entire contents into the drain, crushing the flimsy aluminum cylinder in my fist as it empties...

Then, with as much pent up anger as possible, I throw the misshapen chunk of metal into the waste basket. Turning back to look at Kaji, I see that he looks surprised...but is smiling broadly nonetheless.

"No more drinking out," I mutter more to myself than to him. "I...I don't think I can stand to give it all up...but, from now on, my drinking doesn't leave this room."

Kaji says nothing, but continues to beam proudly, putting a hand gently on my shoulder. I feel tempted to lean forward just a bit, and rest my shoulder against his chest with my head against his shoulder, his arms encircling me...

But, there's still work to be done. Asuka may be sorry about what happened, but...she's still crossed the line in the sand.

"Kaji," I say, gently shrugging off his hand, "I want her out of here." I shake my head semi-apologetically, but press on, "I'm sorry, but...what happened...it's too much, I can't have her here anymore. Not with Shinji living here. And whatever her reasons for acting out were, I will NOT make him leave because of what SHE did. None of this is his fault."

"I know," Kaji says placatingly, "I thought as much. And actually, Asuka and...well, Shinji too, are way ahead of you there. Asuka was talking about asking Miss Horaki if she could move in with her."

Mentally, I wish the Horaki family better luck than myself in dealing with her, should they agree to take Asuka in. "Alright then. I guess that now we just wait for them both to get home from school. Or I guess, we could have Asuka come back early to start packing. I'd rather that she not be anywhere near Shinji outside of work from now on."

Kaji nods, then pauses. "Wait to call the school though."

"Why?" I ask.

"Because there's some things I have to tell you about myself, Katsuragi." His voice is even...but his expression is as grave as it was when he first sat me down at the table. "I really shouldn't...I don't even really know why I am. And it's not like it's the best time either...but...I don't know...I don't know when or if I'll get another chance."

I stare at him, disquiet filling me as I see that annoyingly calm demeanor of his slowly unravel. His face is drawn with sorrow, and the fear is evident in his eyes.

For the first time since I've known him, he looks lost and frightened; like a man hopelessly trapped in a room slowly...very slowly...filling with water. It was the haunting expression of someone not yet descended into panic...but fully aware that, short of a miracle, his death is near.

"Misato."

My eyes widen in shock. For a moment I think someone else must have entered the room. There's no way...Kaji has never...

But there's no one else here.

"Misato," he repeats. His voice is calm, despite the loss of composure. "I need you to promise me something."

"Uh, sure?", I reply uncertainly.

"If anything should...happen...to me...keep an eye out for Asuka. I know you don't feel very kindly towards her right now...but there's no one else I could trust to ask."

"What?! What kind of talk is that?"

"Misato, promise me!" He sounds emphatic again.

Despite my misgivings...

"Uh, yeah sure. Kaji, what is this? Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?"

"Because," Kaji answers with that unnerving juxtaposition of fear and calm, "I am a dead man walking."

\-------------------------------------


	21. Repercussions & Reparations (pt.2) 10/15/2015 (8:26 AM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it’s been awhile since I updated this.
> 
> Of course, I don’t really know if anyone’s actually reading it here. But even so, I guess it can’t hurt to post it up anyway. 
> 
> The fully up to date versions of ‘Veering Left’ can be found on both FanFiction.net and on Sufficient Velocity.
> 
> By my count, I’m about 14 chapters behind where I should be. So, I’ll be posting one chapter a day for the next two weeks (well, probably anyway. I might miss a day or two here and there).
> 
> Anyways, with all of that said...it’s update time!
> 
> This one is another Hikari POV. This is just after the unfortunate scene in the hallway.
> 
> Also, this is a rather short segment, so I might be tempted to post the next one later as well.

•8:26 AM

Asuka stands in front of me, looking...horrified?

Turning around, I see that she's staring at Shinji who, in the time between Asuka's furious tirade about him and now, had risen to his feet and is now calmly walking away from us.

"Uh, I-Ikari? Shinji? Where are you going?" I ask, still a bit dazed by this whole situation.

In an unnervingly calm voice, without stopping to turn around, Shinji replies, "Have you seen the time, Class Rep? You should head to class now if you don't want to be late."

Turning to look at the clock, I give a yelp of shock, and turn to follow Shinji. But, when I realize that Asuka is not following, I turn around to call out to her, only to see her red mane disappear behind the hallway corner, and judging by her rapidly fading footsteps, she's running full tilt.

...

What?!

What the hell is going on here?!

'Ugh, time to get some answers and...'

I look back at the clock.

'Okay, maybe later.' And I promptly pelt after Shinji.

For a moment, I feel guilty about letting Asuka run off. But knowing her, it's probably better just to let her be for now. That and, to be honest, I'm more than a little offended by what she said to me...and kind of mortified at what she said about Shinji, right in front of him.

Speaking of Shinji, I manage to catch up with him just outside of our classroom. And seeing, to my slight annoyance, that the teacher has yet to arrive, I decide to stop Shinji just before he enters.

"Ikari, wait."

Shinji stops and turns around. "Uh, yes?"

I find myself at a complete loss of what to say. I wish I had had more time to articulate a question, but just then, Shinji looks around me and says, "Uh, Miss Horaki, the teacher is on his way down here. I-I think you'd better head into the classroom now."

I don't stop to argue, and promptly walk into the room. Shinji walks in after me, and makes directly for his seat, avoiding the many eyes following him. No doubt, many of our classmates bore witness to the incident in the hall. Indeed, it is only as the teacher walks in, and complete silence falls, that I realize that the room had been positively seething with furtive whispers.

For a moment, I stand at the front of the room, knowing that there's something I have to do before I sit down...but what it is, I can't recall for the life of me. I begin to make my way back to my seat, when I hear the teacher clear his throat loudly and pointedly.

"Miss Horaki?"

I turn back, staring blankly for a moment...before remembering with a start that I've forgotten to lead the class in the morning greeting!

Clearing my throat, I try to muster my usual air of authority, as I bark the imperious commands, "Stand. Bow. Sit."

As ever, the commands are obeyed, and for a moment, everything seems back to normal as I hear the teacher beginning the roll call, and promptly expressing his disbelief and exasperation at Rei Ayanami being absent yet again.

But before returning to my seat, I look around the room. I notice that many of the girls are eyeing Shinji sympathetically...some with marked interest. Likewise, Shinji's friends, Touji Suzahara and Kensuke Aida are both watching their friend intently, and Kensuke in particular is fidgeting with his laptop, clearly itching for the opportunity to open it and send a message to Shinji.

I myself feel the need to do the same. I must get to the bottom of this! And several minutes later, the chance is granted when the teacher allows us to open our laptops. Normally, I heartily disapprove of my classmates chatting electronically during class; after all, it's just like passing notes, but much harder to detect. But today, after what happened...

I open the chat room, and see that Shinji isn't online yet. Even so, I decide to send a message anyway, hoping that he opens the chat room eventually.

For a moment though, I hesitate, wondering what to say...then I decide to keep it simple and to the point.

Horaki, H.: _"Hey"_

For some time, there's no reply.

But after sitting with his head in his hands for awhile, Shinji raises his head and opens the laptop on his desk.

And soon enough...

Ikari, S.: _"Hey"_

Horaki, H.: _"So, can you tell me what happened back there, Shinji?"_

After a slightly longer wait...

Ikari, S.: _"It was nothing. Asuka just bumped into me as I walked out of the bathroom. I think it was an accident."_

'Yeah, I figured as much,' I think to myself, 'that's what I thought. There was no need for her to get all worked up like that.'

But then, she's been acting strangely all morning, before all of this happened. Something bigger and nastier than that is going on here...

I continue typing, _"Asuka seemed very...off...when I met up with her this morning. Distracted, agitated, and maybe even...a little sad. She mentioned something about having a fight with your guardian, Miss Katsuragi, and being thrown out soon. And it's obvious that there's some kind of tension between the two of you as well. And I don't mean from the collision you two had in the hallway. Obviously, there's something else going on at home."_

I send the message and wait. No response comes...

I turn to look at Shinji himself. His face is in his hands, and he's shaking his head fretfully. When he attempts to type a response, he continuously pauses and backtracks.

A feeling of dread overtakes me as I realize that whatever is happening must be bad if it's this hard for him to explain it. Though, now I think about it, he's usually pretty tight lipped in general.

Nevertheless, I press on typing, _"I know, it's not really my business...but, Asuka is my friend, and I'm worried about her. And, I may not know you as well, but...I'm worried about you too Shinji. You both seem so unhappy and stressed right now."_

No response.

Horaki, H.: _"Shinji, please. I want to help you both. But I can't if you won't let me."_

At last, he responds, _"I can't...tell you everything. Also, I think you should hear out Asuka's side of it . But, I guess...what I can tell you is..."_

And as I read, my eyes grow wider and wider with every word...

\-------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what some of you are probably thinking; that Shinji would NEVER open up to Hikari like that. Well normally, you’d be right.
> 
> But in this case, Shinji feels obligated to tell the clearly worried Hikari what happened. After all, she stood up for him...against her BEST FRIEND...who virtually EVERYONE in school is terrified of. His opening up to her is out of a mixture of gratitude and guilt for how distressed the situation is making her. 
> 
> Also...there is his pathological fear of being hated. He can’t help but wonder what Asuka will tell her. Thus, he also opened up so that Hikari would know his side of the story.


End file.
